This is really stupid…
A few years ago (when I was in fact a very full-blown adult) I was at a major league baseball game. I was seated next to a low wall with a railing on top. You could lean over the railing to watch pitchers warm up in the pen below.
My mind wandered (baseball is made for that). I thought “It would be stupid to lick this railing.” I stuck my tongue out and touched the railing with my tongue.
No alcohol was involved.
Somehow, I am still alive.
I once attempted to brush my teeth with a tube of my wife’s depilatory cream.
We were no doubt separated at birth. 
What a timely thread! I just put a bunch of antibacterial hand soap in my mouth at the dentist yesterday. I thought the spigot it came out of was drinking water and then I didn’t look before putting the cup in my mouth.
A college friend once drank a cup of raw waffle batter from a continental breakfast thinking it was orange juice.
That reminds me of one time in maybe 5th grade, we were discussing the expression “to put one’s foot in one’s mouth” during class. That in turn led to speculation among the students as to whether it was physically possible to literally put one’s foot in one’s mouth. I took that as a challenge. Being more flexible back then than I am now, while I wasn’t able to get it actually inside my mouth I did manage to get close enough to stick out my tongue and lick the bottom of my own shoe. Which of course completely grossed out my classmates and got me in some minor trouble with the teacher.
Of course this thread is about accidentally putting things in your mouth, and that was something I did on purpose.
I poured orange juice into my coffee instead of milk.
.
Yes, I spat it out.
I don’t have to name names, do I?
I have one related thing and one I saw someone do with things that normally live in your mouth.
A while ago, my husband took our daughter out shopping to a fancy tea and spice store to pick up fancy tea. While there, the cashier noticed how adorable our daughter is and gave her a little glittery rock thing in a small bag. It was called something like unicorn tears or fairy dust or something. When they got home, I asked my husband what this mysterious packet with a hard glittery rock thing was. He didn’t know but I speculated that, since it came from the fancy tea store, it must be edible. So I stuck my finger in there to get some of the dust and confidently popped it into my mouth, sure it was sugar or something.
It was soap. These things really should be labelled properly.
And now for the slight tangent - When I was in college and broke as heck, I was getting my hair cut at a Mastercuts. The lady was gabbing along, combing out my hair and asking what I wanted. While I answered, she took her dentures out and put them in the front pocket of her apron. Just naked, in her apron, not even wrapped in a napkin or anything. And then she kept on gabbing and cutting my hair. Worst haircut I’ve ever had.
One time in a still half asleep state I started my single cup coffee maker, waited for it to finish brewing, added cream and sugar to the liquid it dispensed into my cup, took a drink, and discovered I was drinking a cup of hot water with cream and sugar in it.
My brother-in-law once drank a cup of raw waffle batter to prove he would.
A couple of years ago a co-worker brought in something to share. I didn’t hear what, but went over and took a big ol’ bite of cheesecake. That turned out to be home-made soap. Always willing to make a fool of myself, I showed the wedge to each of the others - complete with teeth marks straight through the tip. Tastes funny, I said, and not sweet at all.
The sharer was horrified. Everyone else laughed uproariously.
Not me, my dad. He had a bowl of shredded wheat, and mistook the salt shaker for sugar. As a child of the depression he was loathe to waste food, so he ate it, with a running commentary - “That bite wasn’t so bad…oh too much salt in that one…”
Once at a party I set my beer down and went to the restroom. Came back and took a big swig off my beer and yep, someone had dropped a cigarette butt in it. I didn’t throw up but came really close. :eek: And I don’t throw up easy! Take my beer with me now.
Just last weekend I picked up a can of soda that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for a while. I took a big swig and it seemed kind of…grainy. Took a closer look at the can and it was covered with small ants. I had swallowed a few and I spit a few out. That didn’t bother me too much, even considering that those ants may have first visited the ant poison I had just put out that morning.
I’ve ridden motorcycles for 40+ years so random unidentified bugs in the mouth are to be expected occasionally.
I was taking a medication I had to take on an empty stomach. So I’d set the pill on my bedside and take it first thing in the morning.
One day I put the pill in my mouth and it felt squishy. Apparently a fly died near where I put my pill and I put that in my mouth.
One boring Saturday afternoon two of my brothers, a friend of theirs and I had similar thoughts. I ended up licking an ATM camera. The friend licked a piano - it didn’t appear to taste very good, judging by his expression. I no longer remember what my brothers licked. We were all in college by the way.
For the accidental oral stuff I once made a sandwich out of moldy bread but I didn’t know it until I bit into it. I had that musty taste in my mouth for hours. Ugh.
When I had braces, I somehow simultaneously snapped the wire and loosened a bracket on one of my lower front teeth, which I then proceeded to swallow. Again, no big deal; I just went back to the dentist and they replaced it.
When I was pregnant, I got thirsty a lot, and got into the habit of having a glass of water near the bed. One night I awoke feeling parched but very sleepy, and recalled I’d have to walk across the room to the dresser to get the glass of water. I decided I was sleepier than I was thirsty, so stayed in bed.
And thank god I did. The next day I went to get the glass of water and there was a big roach floating in it. (And as a long-time resident of the tropics, when I say “big” I mean close to 2 inches long.)
Years later I had a similar experience with a glass of wine. In the morning, I found THREE big roaches drunkenly scrabbling up the sides of the wine glass only to slowly fall back in, remain stunned for a few seconds, and start climbing again.
Since the second incident, I’ve kept all food and non-water beverages out of the bedroom, and I get my H2O from a bottle whose lid I keep tightly shut when I’m not drinking.
I’ve done that several times. BLEEEECCCHHHHH.
Recently, I had the last of a baguette that had been in the fridge for a few days. I saw a small spot of mold on it, so I picked it off, but even the opposite end must have been invaded by mycelia because it just didn’t taste right.
Bee in soda can, check.
Cigarette butt in beer, check.
Insects while riding motorcycle, check.
Automotive fluids while working on cars, check.
Curdled milk, check.
Pee while changing my son’s diaper, check.
Vomit from drunk chick that was riding me during sex, check.
I need to go brush my teeth…