Moments of esprit de l’escalier and lost opportunities for wit.
What I should have said: “What, you don’t study for your STD tests?” It would have been such a great joke in context, but when I thought of it, the moment was gone. That one has annoyed me for years.
[
](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmhZKN58otE) (phrase occurs at 3:55)
I have way too many instances of coming up with the perfect retort far too late to do me or anyone else any good. That’s why I savor the times when I manage to nail it.
Turn back, turn back, O Time in your flight
I just thought of a comeback I needed last night
Username/Post Combo FTW!
Fortunate, since the paroxysms of laughter induced in the phlebotomist would’ve left you badly scarred.
Ah, lost chances.
I was taking Theories of Personality in college. The first unit was on Freudian and Jungian theories. One of the experiments mentioned in the class purported to prove “Penis Envy” by measuring whether women were more likely than men to keep pens or pencils.
So the test comes around and since it’s the first test, I don’t know whether I’m going to need a pen or a pencil, so I bring both. Then the professor announces that it’s going to be computer graded and passes around a box of pencils, so I grab one.
When the professor then passes out the tests, he points at my desk and says “Aha! Penis envy!”
I laughed with everyone else, then later realized that what I should have said was:
“It’s not that we want one, it’s that we like to play with them”
Brilliant!
Thought: you can always bring it up later.
A friend told me about a personal problem, and I came up with the perfect line just a beat too late. So I saved it…
And of course, I just had to mention that to the friend a week later. He said “That’s hilarious, but I’m glad you didn’t make a joke at the time.”
So I got credit for being clever… and sensitive! (undeservedly so, but hey…)
The key to being witty is not so much to be quick as to have a good memory. Hold on to your best comebacks no matter how belatedly they hit you. You *will *have a chance to use them again; be ready. That first delivery at the second opportunity feels *soooo *good. 
In September, I get lots of lost students wandering by my office. Many of them are looking for the main lecture hall in our building.
A few years ago, a student popped her head in my office and said: “Hi. I’m looking for healthy sexual development.”
I am proud that what I said was “The main lecture room is just down the hall - room 250”
What I WANTED to say was:
