What I want for my birthday

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, thursday, April 12 is my 34th birthday. Knowing all of you are eager to know what I want, I made a list. Sorry to post it so close to the actual day.

  1. I want a cordless drill. I have 2 already, and it’s not enough. I wear them in criss crossed tool belts like Jessie James. I need a third one to tuck into the back of my belt, A “hideout” drill, if you will. I have friends over and actually invite them to break stuff so I can swing into action. Any doper ladies who want to give me a “special” gift are welcome to come over. Loosen some of the fixtures in the bathroom and then retire to the bedroom in a teddy. You’ll know I’m ready for a night of fun when I come to the bedroom door naked. Except, of course, for my criss crossed tool belts, with two cordless drills slung low.

2.Ratchets and sockets. I just love to say that. “Hand me that ratchet.” “Where’s my 15mm sockett?” They just roll off the tongue. If you really want to please me, how about a socket adapter for my cordless drill? Damn! I’ll take the frickin car apart! Ladies opting for the “special” night above might want to avoid this gift, cuz I probobly won’t make it to the bedroom. I’ll open it and…" OMG! YES! A SOCKET ATTACHMANT! OH, YES BABY! YES! YESSS!.. cigarette?"

  1. Something for the car. I don’t care what, it dosent really matter. Ice scrapper, bumper sticker, fuzzy dice, anything. Get me a starter coil from a 1949 Oldsmobile Rocket 88, I’ll bolt the fucker on somewhere. Buy me oil. Buy me USED oil, I’ll recycle it. The secret here is the odor. It’s like catnip for men.

4.A TV with picture in picture. Hell, get me one with 16 windows, I’ll go nuts! I can watch EVERY NFL GAME AT ONCE!! Hell, I’ll even put soccer in one window, just in case Clog Boy drops by from Amsterdam! And you can flip them! I’ll be up at 3 AM flipping between the ping pong channel and public access. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip…

5.A label maker. WOW! What a gift! I have been meaning to get more organized, and for a man that mean labeling everything. Computer. Door. Lock. Key. Sink. Dirty dishes. Spoiled milk. Cat… naaa, not organized enough. Head, tail, whiskers, paws, ears. Yea, that outta do her!

6.A huge mother of a grill. Ahhh, burning meat over an open flame, takes me back to my Neanderthal roots! The fact that’s it’s a very short trip in immaterial. If you really like me, get me a BROKEN grill. It’ll save you money, and I can fix it with my cordless screwdriver! And then I’ll label it.

  1. A chain saw. Handheald, raw, vibrating destruction! I need logs cut into 3" lengths, I really do! That tree out back is dead, and the forest must me thinned! Fuck that, I’m gonna RAZE the damn forest! Goddamn birds are waking me up early with their cheeps anyway.

8.Beer. It dosen’t matter what kind, as long as I get lots of it. Light beer, white beer, lager, stout, imported, domestic, expensive, cheep, one beer, two beers, red beer, blue beer! I want it all! And after I drink it, I’ll go fix that grill. With the chain saw.

Thanks to everyone in advance. Please plan to visit me in the hospital and share your memories of my left hand and right leg.

2

Crap…I was going to send you a video of me and the ex skinny dipping and having sex outside but I’ll go get the damn drill if that’s what you want. I can’t figure out men OR women.

Tibs.

3

I know what you mean, Tiburon. I was going to get him a virtual blowjob, but that’s not on the list either. Shrug.

4

Really, girls, it’s OK. y’all obviously put a lot of thought into your gifts, so they’ll be fine. really. Honestly. I don’t want to put you out by having to get another gift. I am just thinking of you here, it’s the thought that counts.

5

But I retract that statement.
COOL! CORDLESS Drill!?! Can I come over and watch thirteen games at once on that TV? I’ll bring beer (it’s the single guy housewarming gift, for you ladies out there) Maybe we could watch those two videos (Tib’s and the one you’d film of you and Geo) AND 13 games, PLUS the PLAYBOY CHANNEL!!! We could label all the beer cans “empty” or “full” so we wouldn’t make mistakes when grilling that cow on the MONSTER GRILL!

Ahhh. Men stuff.

6
  • Dabs a little used motor oil behind her ears and onto her very nice cleavage *
    Happy birthday, Dave
  • gives Dave a sultry smile *
7

Well Dave, since I don’t have a lot of money, how about I over-night you some real Colorado Springtime Snow? It’s coming down like gangbusters out there!

Happy Birthday my friend! Ya old fart!

8

pours motor oil into a big tub, dons a bikini, and waits for the wimmens wrestling to begin

All for you, Dave.

9

Tell ya what, Dave my friend. I’ll see what I can do about arranging the puddin’-rasslin’ between me and Sue Duhnym that was suggested in the “Sexiest Doperchick” thread. Would that do?

And UncleBill, I don’t know where on earth you got the idea any of my antics would be available on videotape. Nice try, though. Then again, I bet I could make a pretty penny selling that match between me and Sue on pay-per-view. Hmm…

10

Dave, thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all week. After discussing the relative merits of Biblical passages all day today (and for large chunks of this week), that was refreshing.

11

GEOBABE -

I made that suggestion, so if you and Sue D. do engage in a Pudding Battle Royale, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE video the event for me.

Well, plenty to think about tonight!

12

Well, today’s the day, isn’t it?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVE!!!

May your day be filled with numerous power tools and various “entertaining” videos…

Look forward to meeting you next weekend :wink:

13

Happy Birthday, Dave! I emailed you a little something to hopefully brighten your day. :slight_smile:

14

Happy birthday, hon!!!

hugs Dave hard