What if....? Holiday Specials

Inspired by this thread, describe what we might see on some other cinematic inspired, and mostly inappropriate Holiday Specials.

Silence of the Lambs Christmas Special

I love the scene where Clarice and a bunch of kids are waiting at the dinner table for Hanibal to bring in the turkey. And he comes through the door and he has taken all the skin off the turkey and placed it over the face. The kids were scared, I tell ya! Then Hannibal took off the skin and ate it and everyone had a good laugh with Clairce saying, “Oh, Hannibal”

Classic.

The Se7en Holiday Special

“Go on, detective. Open it.”

An updated Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer about alcoholism.
Amusingly, the second Futurama Christmas special (“A Tale of Two Santas”) started with a parently advisory “Due to the mature theme and violent content” which in my book automatically puts it in the top ten holiday specials of all time.

A Very Pulp Fiction Christmas (or, How the Gimp Almost Stole Christmas)

Marsellus Claus, who had been trying to deliver gifts to all the disadvantaged children in the world, has just been set free in the middle of being tag-teamed by male rapists. One of the rapists, Zed, is now at Marsellus Claus’ mercy.

Marsellus Claus: What now? Well let me tell you what now. I’m gonna call a couple of pipe-hittin’ elves, who’ll go to work on homes here with a pair of Fisher-Price pliers and a Playskool blow torch.
(to Zed) Hear me talkin’ hillbilly boy?! I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’m gonna git Medieval on your ass.

Ornamento - A man wakes up. He doesn’t know where he is. Next to the bed he sees a half-empty glass of eggnog and a piece of paper. The message on it says: “There are only /7/ /6/ /5/ /4/ 3 shopping days left to Christmas”. It’s in his own handwriting but he doesn’t remember writing it. He stumbles into the bathroom. When he looks into the mirror he is startled to see there is a tattoo on his chest he can’t remember getting. It says “Decorate the Tree”.

Well, me, I’d be up for the Vivid Video Christmas Special, starring Ron Jeremy as Santa (of course, all the children on his list are naughty), Jasmine St. Clair as Mrs. Claus, a host of lipstick lesbian elves weilding 18"DHIBJDs, and of course, the stable of reindeer played by the same eight guys from every porn video ever made wearing foam rubber antlers.

Let’s take a peek at the script, shall we:

SANTA (counting): Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I see only 10 ho’s. Where are Savannah and Sindee?

SFX: <over-acted moans of passion>

SANTA: Aha, they seem to be testing out the last batch of toys for all the naughty boys and girls. I best go see how they’re coming along…

SOUNDTRACK: <cue hackneyed porn guitar riff #27>


SANTA:  Well, that was certainly riveting... ho, ho, ho...  Why don't you three fidgety elves come sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas.

A Godzilla Xmas

Godzilla, smashing buildings down–KRRE-GAAAAAHHH!

Mother, cowering amidst the rubble-“Don’t cry children, we’ll be with Daddy in Heaven, soon.”

Kid–“YAAYYY! Together agaibn for Xmas! Thanks Godzilla!”
I’m going to Hell for this, aren’t I?

You’re close, but I think you need just a little bit more to secure your trip down there. How about this?

Mother: Actually children, I lied. Your father isn’t dead, he’s a crack whore.

Or.

Mother: Just kidding, we won’t be seeing HIM in heaven!! Not after what HE did!!! HARK THE HEARALD ANGELS SING…

Santa: You know where little boys and girls who don’t believe in me wind up, don’t you? HAW! HAW! HAW!

A Dana Plato Christmas

Failed child stars will all gather around the exhumed body of the late Dana Plato where they will sing songs like ‘Daddy the Embezzling Agent’(To the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer).

Then they’ll all get sloppy drunk, Bryce from Mr Belvedere will lap dance for Danny Bonaduce, and Eleanor Donahue will get into a knife fight with Justine Bateman again.

Ahh… good times.

A Very Special Wilfred Brimley Christmas

With his special guests Sharon Stone, Heidi Fleiss, and Robyn Byrd.

They’ll be working the candy canes, decking the halls, and bringing good will(and incurable STDs) to all.

Special guests Shannen Doherty and Deidre Hall will be mud wrestling to finally decide who over acted the most during their tenure on Our House.

Then Wilfrec, who by this time is a toy surprise short of a box of Cracker Jacks, will pass out Rolaids and diabetic testing supplies as gifts right before he shoots himself up with so much insulin that he doesn’t wake up until February.

“Touched by a Santa”

A GLOBAL-WINTER CHRISTMAS

In the third year of sub-freezing temperatures following an asteroid impact, a family gathers around the fire to reminisce: how three years ago the “Christmas Star” had appeared in the heavens on December 24, and smashed to Earth the next day. How the world had been in perpetual winter ever since. And how even though there had been trials, such as the collapse of global civilization, how everyone was thankful for what they had. This Christmas, every child got a lump of coal in their stocking (oh boy! Warmth!) and “Santa” managed to find a frozen steer carcass for Christmas dinner, so the family wouldn’t go hungry until at least Easter…

The Ten Commandments Christmas

Joshua: Merry Christmas, Moses! Well? Aren’t you going to open your gift?

Moses: What the hell are you talking about?

Joshua: You know! Christmas? Santa? Elves? Birth of Jesus?

Moses: I think you’ve been eating tainted rye seed again.