I tend bar a few afternoons a week and have a friend who usually stops in. We have known each other for about three years and have played on pool league teams several times. We’re about the same age and I consider “Bob” a very good friend.
Over the summer, Bob didn’t come by for a couple of weeks so I sent him an email inviting him by. He replied with an email telling me that he had broken up with his wife of 22 years and that things weren’t good at home. I invited him out to have a drink and talk about it which he agreed to and I heard the whole gory story.
Suffice it to say, she had another boyfriend and wanted out of the marriage. Now here it is four months later, Bob is moving on, having found help both professional and online and is rapidly moving towards finalizing the divorce. The ex largely agreed to all the terms Bob asked for.
Last week I was at the bar and Bob’s ex walked in with a visiting pool team. She is now apparently dating one of the guys on the team (a different person from the summer). She and I had a quick, innocuous conversation and, when she went back to watch the pool, I finished my drink and left.
The next day I was tending bar and Bob came in. I mentioned to him that his wife had been in and told him who she was with. He called her a few choice names, but he knew about the relationship and that it was one of several that the ex was engaged in. At this point he is well past the denial stage.
Bob had his usual two beers before going home to make dinner for the kids (11 and 18 by the way). When shift-change arrived and the night manager came in he told me the story that is the point of the post. The night manager is quite a bit younger than me or Bob, and told me in confidence that one of the security staff had caught Bob’s ex in the men’s room giving her guy a blow job. He’d thrown them out.
“I’m only telling you this, c, because you’re good friends with Bob and have been helping him. The only people who know are you, me and Zach (the security guy), and as far as I’m concerned Bob never has to know.”
My question is whether it is better for Bob to remain ignorant of this detail or to know about it? My thinking is that he is already aware of her actions both before and after they broke up. Telling him does nothing to help him move forward with his life. But then I’ve never been in the sort of long, dishonest relationship he was in. The only reason I might tell him is if she tried to put the kibosh on the agreements relating to the kids, the house, the cars, his pension at the last minute before the divorce goes through.
Is my thinking correct? What are my obligations to my friend?