What is "presence" and do you know anyone that has it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Some people have presence – the ability to walk into a room and have everyone sit up and take notice, not because they’re overtly calling attention to themselves, but simply because of some indefinable…something.

So what, in your opinion, is that “something? Is it a pattern of behaviour, is it a confident manner and plenty of eye contact? Are people with presence simply sloshing with the right kind of pheromones or what? Most importantly, is it innate or can it be learned? Have you ever known anyone to project that kind of quiet authority?

2

Well Olivia Fox Cabane in The Charisma Myth says it’s all learned behaviors. Although when she talks about presence she means something different. She means actually being present in the interaction that is taking place. Presence, power, and warmth are the three essential elements of charisma according to Cabane.

Presence is the single most requested aspect of charisma when I’m coaching executives. They want to increase their executive presence or boardroom presence. And they’re right to focus on it: presence turns out to be the real core component of charisma, the foundation upon which all else is built. When you’re with a charismatic master— take Bill Clinton, for example— you not only feel his power and a sense of warm engagement, you also feel that he’s completely here with you, in this moment. Present.

I only started reading it on the weekend and it’s a very enjoyable read so far.

3

God, yes. I know a bloke who has it in radioactive spades. Call him “Jack Bloke.” All his friends refer to the “Jack Bloke effect.” He seems much larger than he actually is: he fills more space. He is incredibly persuasive. Anything he says sounds like a good idea at the time. He makes friends easily, and keeps them.

I think a big part of it is confidence. He knows he’s good.

Balancing this, keeping it from being arrogant, is his empathy. He likes people, and he listens as much as he talks.

And, yeah, he’s naturally good-looking. Damn handsome, in fact.

I love him like a brother…and gnaw my own ankles in abject jealousy at how well he gets along in life!

4

I know people with charisma, but I’ve never seen someone completely stop a whole room unless they were in some position of authority over people. Not even a really hot person, since they’ll only stop one half of the room (and those talking to that members of that half). Honestly, I think I’d find that creepy, and want to stay away from that person. Which would be easy, because, if they are that popular, they’d have no reason to talk to me or any of my friends unless they wanted something.

5

Imho, presence is something really simple. We feel it if someone notices us, want something from us, right? If they look at us with some intensity, we notice them and we, in turn, look closer at that person to see what it is he wants with us. The Jack Blokes of this world simply radiate that they are confident, attractive, and that they would like to interact with us. Maybe they need our help, maybe they want to tell us something, maybe they just really like we’re there because they like people, period.

If you want to try what it is like to have that presence, just volunteer to make an general annoucement most people would be interested to hear, for instance, volunteer to announce over the mike at a wedding that the open bar will now open. Forget your own self- consciousness and focus on this really cool news that you just want to share with everybody, convinced they will like it as much as you, even if you cant tell them personally but have to do it by microphone. The tone of voice you will have then is the audio- version of presence.

6

So, to be more precise, you get presence by noticing all or most people in the room and by non-verbally communicating to them that you have seen them, that you are pleased with what you saw, and that some more interaction beyond those basics is possible.

For that to work, you have to be focussed outward. All self- consciousness means your energy and attention is turned inward, busy with thoughts about yourself. Most people’s attention is either focussed inward, or on the person they’re with. If it is focussed on others, it is usually just at a few others and seldom wholeheartedly positive. So a person who is focussed on many others in a positive way will stand out.

7

In the military it is called “command presence.”
The person who has it can make you feel like you are the most important person
on the ship, in the platoon, at the conference, etc.
I remember being on a ship where a female cadet from the Academy (Kings Point)
made it a point during the voyage to personally talk to every crewmember.
At the end of the voyage, everybody liked her in a genuine way.
She had command presence. Seasoned officers use the same technique. They
treat you like a king… as long as you don’t get in their way to advancement.

A similar phenomenon is “the camera loves you.” In Houston I dated a plain looking
gal with a number of negatives. She was a social activist at my church. One evening
I saw her giving an interview to a local TV station host. Something to do with “peak
oil.” Her appearance was marvelous and her diction was compelling. I could not
fathom why she was so good on screen except to say “the camera loves her.”

Singanas

8

My partner has it. It’s partly because he’s very tall and very good-looking, but there are a lot of other things about him that people notice, but are difficult to describe. Self-esteem is part of it, being comfortable “in his skin” is also part of it. And then there’s his smile; he almost literally lights up a room with his smile. And it’s contagious, the way a yawn can be contagious. But there’s also a kind of humility about him. He honestly doesn’t see how other people react to him . . . but everyone else sees it.

Both of us turn heads when we enter a room. He turns heads toward him; I turn heads away.:wink:

9

My husband has it. He isn’t tall (5’10), doesn’t have a deep voice and has the belly of an aging athlete. He was a skinny, short kid; a sidekick until his twenties. His presence, it seems, was deliberately manufactured rather than organic. He plays every sport and his posture and strut reflect it. His arms and shoulders are huge, so he takes up a lot of space. He’s good looking and women make fools of themselves for his attention, some men want to fight him for this. Every waitress, hairdresser, and secretary gives me the stink eye while trying to engage him. Gay men cruise him at the mall and give me withering looks. He makes an impression on men because of his physicality and appearance, on women because he looks like a good time.

But his presence is due to his famous smile, which he is nicknamed for. It’s blinding. He is constantly joking around and teasing, laughing and having fun. Kids and dogs love him. He’s always invited to parties, vacations, golf foursomes and shows. His voice is expressive and loud; he do great voice overs for cartoons. Think Charlie Day with a slightly deeper tone. But only slightly. His voice is hilarious, and he’s aware it’s funny, uses it to his advantage. He’s a ham, makes a lot of racket, invites strangers in on conversations with acquaintances, makes a huge production of goofing around with the baby in stores. The baby is a prop for the Husband Show. Everyone thinks they know him, they shake his hand, ask his name, then leave grinning. Even a quick trip to the grocery store is an event and every public venue is his stage. He takes a sour expression as a personal challenge and engages the shyest, most unpleasant people and he wins nearly every time. Everything can be quickly turned into a wisecrack, and he uses a fair amount of self-deprecating humor, too, which people find endearing. He is utterly full of shit, but he has so much fun and includes absolutely everyone in on the action. He is pretty irresistible. Man, it’s exhausting. But it’s admirable, too.

I have it, was born with it mostly because of my posture and my love of strangers. My parents were pretty famous in our small town, so everyone thought they knew me, too. I got stuck a lot answering twenty questions about my family. I’m not shy at all. I’ve held several jobs which required me to be in charge of large groups of unpredictable felons, so carrying myself with authority is a habit. I’m tall, make eye contact and ask questions and don’t share much about myself. Like my husband, I grin constantly. Unlike my husband, I’m not a flirt and I rarely tease anyone, never say anything negative outside of my home. I’m the person lost kids and stray dogs run to, and unfortunately I’m the person that troubled, ill, depressed, or crazy people confide in. I’m the sin-eater and I’m so good at finding something honest and pleasant to say about even the most miserable people I should turn pro. I attract some tragic stories while my husband is getting digits, but I get all the hugs, and I love that.

10

Madame Pepperwinkle goes into a store, and before she leaves she will be approached by half-a-dozen people who’ve never seen her before, all with a smile on their face. The fact that she’s in a wheelchair and wears very colorful clothes is only a small part of it. Most people at conventions we go to remember me as the guy who pushes her wheelchair. (I’m not complaining.)

11

One of my coworkers has it. During meetings, you’ll find yourself agreeing with everything he says, and it’ll sound like the best idea you’ve ever heard. Five minutes later, however, you can’t remember why you agreed to it. It’s eerie.

I’ve taken to planning stuff over *email *with him as much as possible.

12

Bill Clinton is a good example. I saw him during a presidential visit to Uganda. Honestly, the guy fills a room; he exudes charisma, and speaks with authority and earnestness. I do pretty well, part of which is because of my time in the military, but nothing compared to this guy.

13

I was at a local Congressman’s “Town Hall Meeting” once, and got buttonholed by an Admiral. (What kind of Admiral, I do not know. I’m a civilian, and he wasn’t wearing stripes.)

Lord, God, did that guy have me under control! He not only absolutely radiated command…he toned it down so it wasn’t overpowering. He could speak with just enough grit in his voice to make it clear that he had the Combined Armed Forces Band in his throat, if he chose to unleash it! He could do more with a mere, “Well, son, I see what you mean, but…” than most people can do with half an hour of intense cussing! He not only melted me like a candle, but swept me up again and put me back on my feet.

THAT was leadership!

14

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! How do people get this way? Are they born with it or can it be learned?

15

Trinopus,

Thanks for this vignette. Command presence or leadership enables armies to win
battles because most combatants are willing to follow such charismatic persons
to their death. General Patton got around the “death” threat by telling his
troops to “Go out there and make that Kraut die for HIS country.”
I can believe that many soldiers were willing to die for General Lee, Napoleon,
and Julius Caesar because their leadership qualities were sterling.

Cheers, Singanas

16

It’s the fine line between confidence and arrogance. I think it can be learned but teaching yourself to be confident would be a challenge. I’d start with appearing confident and go from there :slight_smile:

17

Unless you believe in the blank slate, I think you’re born with charisma. But there are many things you can do to improve your presence.

It’s often a red flag for me because so many sociopaths have charisma. Maybe under that definition it’s a promise of something with a return rate of nothing. So I watch for a while before making a commitment to people for whom I have that intense attraction.

My daughter has been charismatic since day one. Heads have always turned when she enters a room. Some people have said she’s like a bright light. I tease her that she’s one of those people everybody wants. And we’ve had many a long talk about safety and not abusing her gift of charm. And also about giving back.

My husband projects authority but has little charisma. Since high school, when he always played the father figure in the class plays, everything he joins into he is elected to an officiating role. But his presence is silent and sort of sneaks up on people. His mother was similar. She was soft-spoken, never demanding, rarely asked for anything and yet somehow always had things her way. Quite a trick.

My son attracts people who want to help him. Lucky man.

Me? I attract people who want to tell me about their problems.

So maybe our daughter learned something about charisma within our family. But I’m too close to it to see what it is. None of us have what I would call charisma except she.

18

I think such things are a combination of nature and nurture, but I lean pretty far over toward the blank slate side of the balance. Some elements of personality may be inborn, but most, in my opinion, comes from upbringing.

But, yes, definitely, there are things that an adult (or a youngster) can do to improve presence. Taking a speech class is a very good first step: you really can learn to speak more effectively from such a class. Participating in amateur dramatics – trying out for a play – or running for a minor office – Secretary for a small non-profit organization – can also be hugely educational.

19

I can go with nature and nurture. And I do make a distinction between charisma and presence.

Having presence can be as basic as taking up a lot of space or the way a person carries themselves. But that isn’t necessarily charisma. Charisma has a more positive connotation for most of us I think. I’m not sure you can make that happen by practicing.

I thought of an exception. That would be if you know what kind of audience you could appeal to. For instance, Charles Manson knew how to select his followers with little or no formal education.

But all that borders on the mystical and really doesn’t address what the average person can do to enhance their appeal to others.

Thinking on my feet (actually, butt) here. I’d like to describe presence in the way we are discussing it as a sense of being grounded, solidity. And I thought of something that people do which takes away from that.

And that’s nervous laughter. It’s an easy thing to fall into when a person is just learning a new role. And it can quickly erode others’ perception of your gravity.

You’re right that a good public speaking class would help with that.

20

My husband has presence (I do not). For him, some of it is innate (the booming, deep voice, the easy smile, his carriage) but some of it is from roleplaying games. He’s been playing D&D (and similar) since he was about 7. He can become that person he needs to be, like a good actor, and make you believe it - even suspend your disbelief, if he wants you to do that.

He carries a D20 and will roll it before going into rooms where he is presenting, or the top person there, or something of that nature. He’s doing a diplomacy check.

Silly? Sure, but I think its sort of a talisman to bring out what he knows he can do naturally, and take his mind of being nervous at all. It started as a joke and now it’s kind of a ritual, but he does do it. I guess when you’re presenting to a big room, every little bit helps. He’s good with all situations though, big rooms and small gatherings and one on one. He can turn it on with me, still, but I can see through it now - I tell him I don’t work for him so stop managing me. :wink:

So some of it learned, some of it innate. He’s a massive extrovert, and he’s just sort of infectious in terms of his ideas.