I heard a rumour I kissed a girl at a school disco when I didn’t.
Many people have thought I’m straight.
Either I’m not interesting enough to gossip (or lie) about, or the ones doing it are extraordinarily discreet. Occam’s Razor favors the former.
Some people, relying on my interest in and knowledge of Broadway musicals, have assumed I’m gay, especially in on-line discussions. (Me: “Bobby Van was Billy Early in the 70s’ No No Nanette revival; I have the cast album.” “There is no way you’re straight and know that.”)
But I am. Or at least I haven’t met the right guy yet.
Apparently at a conference I had a threesome in the hotel pool with two women. Several different people attested to this.
I did no such thing.
Freshman year of high school I knocked a kid out in the hall, immediately realized I probably shouldn’t have acted so impulsively, and continued walking to class expecting to get picked up and expelled and/or arrested. No one ever came for me and 20 years later it’s safe to say I got away with it.
Apparently a girl in my gym class saw what happened. The next day she was telling everyone what a badass I was, how I threw a single punch and destroyed this kid’s glasses and sent him sailing against the wall and he connected with it really hard and didn’t get back up and I just walked away dead-eyed and completely unconcerned like a stone cold assassin.
With a perfectly straight face I said “who?” and played dumb convincingly enough that someone accused her of making the whole thing up because she had a crush on me. Even the teacher joined in on teasing her about it.
I used to be a professional extra for movies and tv for a couple years when I first moved out here to LA, just as something different to do and make a few beer bucks. No real aspirations for becoming a real actor or anything. Then I went with my parents to South Korea for a few weeks and we got a guide to show us around. When ever he introduced us to anyone, he kept telling everyone I was a Big Hollywood Movie Star! And everyone seemed to believe him. It was…weird.
One of the people I supervised once said I was the Devil.
So it was three women, you lucky stud! 
There was a rumor that my boss had bought me a car. Unfortunately, my boss did not buy me a car. He did buy me a microwave, partially as a housewarming gift and partially as a reward for working long hours to keep things running after a key coworker left unexpectedly. It is a good microwave and I appreciate it. But it is not a car.
Next time, kiss everyone in sight. If you’re going to be blamed for it, get the benefit of it.
Somebody once told me he heard I was hilarious.
I think I have too many to recall, but here is a recent one.
I tend to live under-the-radar, mind my own life and greet everyone as good - but when I heard from third parties that I was popping pills and shooting up (allegedly from a certain lady that I never had any romantic interest in), I almost went ballistic.
I live in a small town. Stuff like this got corrected very quickly.
GRR.
Yes. It is true.
I always enjoy your posts.
I was disappointed to learn after running into one of my class mates some ten years after graduation, that I had “bitch slapped” a teacher in front of the class.
The real story is much more interesting. She slapped me! And was summarily fired for it. Which was a good thing because she was an insufferable woman who was terrible at her job. (This was evidenced by a majority of her students failing her class)
My favorite rumor: Back in my bar going days, it was rumored that that me and another bar patron were fucking on a regular basis. We got to talking, and figured, since it already being rumored, we might as well make it true. Which we did. 
It was NOT me who started that rumor BTW.
That I was taking sick time at work to have fertility treatments.
I was pregnant.
As a freshman in college, I was attacked by several guys (playfully, not seriously) and I managed to thrash about and push one or two of them over before being ‘rescued’ by other guys.
The next week, the rumor was out and about, exaggerated that I had not just wriggled free but had actually flat-out beat-up multiple attackers or something (I’m a small skinny guy, BTW.) My RA said the rumor was that I had defeated “like, 8, attackers” (more like 4-5 and I was merely resisting while I was being dragged away.) Someone drew a martial-arts type cartoon calling me “Master.”
A lot of people seem to think I’m Buddhist. Can’t imagine why…
Way back in the day, I used to record myself playing a lot of add-on maps for the video game DOOM. I was never that prolific or popular, so it came as quite a surprise when I ran across a certain map (which I’d never even heard of before) that was credited to me. And it wasn’t a case of me forgetting I had recorded it, since the player clearly used a mouse whereas I never progressed beyond keyboard-only. I thought about writing the database owner to correct the attribution, but never bothered.
I got you both beat. In high school, there was a serious contingent who thought I was a gay Satanist. In their defense, I always wore a heavy black cape, spiked my hair, and used too much eyeliner to draw cracks all across my face.
Some college dude sent word through mutual friends that he wanted to meet me. He was a pagan/ceremonial magician who had seen me around town (with my decorated walking stick) and decided I was to be his magical guru. He named his ferret after me. When we finally met, he was extremely disappointed :).
I have actually instructed one of my old advertising friends to include in my eulogy, “He loved musicals, wrote fashion copy, and could dish with anyone. Who’d have thought he was straight!”