[QUOTE=Wee Bairn]
Ok I a dum-dum- can someone explain the rabbi gambling joke?
[/QUOTE]
If the other guys weren’t gambling, then he wasn’t either…because he didn’t have anyone to gamble with!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
[QUOTE=Malacandra]
And then the hotdog vendor gave him two scoops of vanilla with a chocolate flake.
It was an ice cream koan.
[/QUOTE]
So, then the monk asks, “Yesterday, you gave me ice cream. Today, you give me a fortune cookie. Is this the way you treat all your customers?”
The vendor replies, “That was zen. This is tao.”
A man is waiting outside the ballpark to buy a ticket when he hears someone yell, “Dave.” He looks around but doesn’t see the person who yelled. Soon after he is in line to get some food and again he hears, “Dave.” As before he is unable to locate the person who called. A short time later, while sitting in his seat, he once again hears, “Dave.” He stands up, looks around, but again doesn’t see who yelled. This infuriates him and he yells back, “my name’s not Dave.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping. During the night Holmes nudges Waston awake and asks him what he sees.
“I see the stars, Holmes.”
“Yes Watson, and what does that mean to you?”
“Well, Holmes, it means that we are on the dark side of a small planet, orbiting around our sun. The sun is part of a vast galaxy of stars, and the stars are spread out in the night sky in the vastness of God’s beautiful creation.”
Then Holmes says:
No, you idiot - it means someone stole our tent!!
All of my clean jokes are really long, so bear with me.
A butcher was about to close up shop, when a dog walked in with a paper bag in its mouth. The butcher thought this was odd, but took the bag from the dog. Inside was a twenty dollar bill and a piece of paper. On the paper was written “One pound of Italian sausage and one pound of ground chuck.” “A paying cutomer is a paying customer”, thought the butcher, put the meat and the change into bag, and handed it back to the dog, who then walked out.
The butcher was very intrigued by this, and since he was closing up anyway, decided to follow the dog.
The dog walked down the street, bag in mouth, and stopped at the intersection. He put the bag down and reached up to push the walk button with his nose. When the light changed, he picked up the bag and crossed the street. He did this same thing for several blocks, always crossing with the light.
The butcher was amazed at this behavior and continued to follow.
After several blocks, the dog got to a bus stop and hopped up onto the bench. He sat there as a few busses stopped and then left. When the #32 bus arrived, the dog got on. So did the butcher.
12 stops later, the dog rang the bell, and when the bus stopped he disembarked, as did the butcher. The dog then went down a side street and finally arrived at a house. The butcher hid in some bushes to continue observing.
The dog went up to the front door, set the bag down, and rang the doorbell with his nose. He then barked, then went around the side of the house and barked again. He came around front and barked a third time.
At long last, a man opened the front door and let the dog in. The butcher emerged from the bushes and said “Wow! I have to say, that is the smartest dog I have ever seen!”
The man replied “Smart? You call that smart? This is the third time this week he forgot his keys!”
[QUOTE=bouv]
These two muffins are sitting in an oven, baking up nicely. The first one turns to the other and says,
“Damn it’s hot in here!” The second one goed,
“Holy crap, a talking muffin!”
[/QUOTE]
I don’t know why, but this one made me laugh the hardest.
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
I don’t know why, but this one made me laugh the hardest.
[/QUOTE]
It’s even better in person.
[QUOTE=TimeWinder]
Knock Knock…
Who’s there?
Interrupting Clam
Interrupting Clam who?
Hmmm, maybe needs a little more work.
[/QUOTE]
Try a giraffe…
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost
What do you do if you have a trumpet weed in your garden?
Root-it-oot (has to be said out loud pref with Scots accent)
[QUOTE=AHunter3]
Honorary Mention (significantly better score if you haven’t heard it before, though):
911 Operator: Hello? Please state the nature of your emergency and give location…
Voice: Help! Oh god oh fuck I’m out hunting with by buddy and he tripped and his rifle went off and I’m pretty sure he’s dead its awful
Operator: OK calm down. First we need to make sure he’s really dead…
<BANG!>
Voice: OK, now what?"
[/QUOTE]
Which was written by the late, great Spike Milligan
My fave -
Guy goes to the Doctor, Doctor looks him over and says “I have some terrible news! You only have three minutes to live!”
Guy goes “oh my God! Is there anything you can do for me?”
Doctor says “Well, I could boil you an egg…”
mm
What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?
Linoleum blown apart
Did you hear about the explosion in the boarding house?
Rumors are flying.
What’s brown and wrinkled and lives in a bell tower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
This guy gets onto a plane headed to Newark NJ. The fellow in the seat next to him is a wreck. Seating, nervous, talking to himself, a tic.
So the guy asks “What’s wrong?”
“Oh my company is transferring me to NJ, and I am afraid of NJ. I have heard they have riots there, crime is unstoppable, muggings, theft, murder. I am afraid for my life, my wife and kid’s lives.”
“Buddy, the guy says, settle down. I have lived in NJ all my life. Great state. I go to work, no problems, go home and enjoy life. My wife and kids both love NJ. It is a really nice place to live.”
“Thanks, you have made me feel much better. By the way, who do you work for?”
“I work for the city of Newark”
“Really, what do you do?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a garbage truck.”
[QUOTE=Avarie537]
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A bunny fart.
[/QUOTE]
This is my new favourite joke! So I’m juvenile…
I am amazed at what some of you include in things that couldn’t be considered offensive to anyone at anytime.
None of these jokes offend me in the least, but I wouldn’t dare tell a lot of them in front of my grandmother, or even my boss or most of my co-workers for that matter.
Silent order of monks who are allowed to speak only at Christmas.
All sat down eating their soup and Brother John stands up and says “This soup is to salty”.
Nobody answers him.
The next year Brother John stands up again and says “This soup is to salty”.
Nobody answers him.
The next year Brother John stand up and says “This soup is to salty”.
Brother Simon stands up and says “Will you quit moaning about the soup”.
[QUOTE=drillrod]
A lady decided to buy her family a new pet. She went to the pet store and saw a covered cage and a sign that said ‘Parrot for sale.’ When she inquired about the parrot, the shopkeeper told her, “Ma’am I have to warn you, that parrot was raised in a brothel and he sometimes says the most unexpected things.”
Well the lady’s daughters were in high school and the whole family had a good sense of humor, so she decided to buy the parrot, figuring it would be intereting.
When she got the parrot home, she opened the cage and the parrot awoke. He took a look around and said, “Well, new house, looks pretty nice. New Madam. Everybody has to show the Madam of the house respect. Hello Madam, good to meet you.” The lady thought that this was quite amusing.
A little while later her two daughters got home from school. The parrot says, “Well. New house. New Madam. New girls. All the girls have to pay the Madam. Hello Girls!” This, too seemed quite funny.
A bit later the lady’s husband arrives home from work. The parrot says, “Well. New house. New Madam. New girls. Same old clients. Hi Dave, how’ve you been?”
[/QUOTE]
Gold.
Irishman just can’t get a job because of his accent so he decides to take elocution lessons in order to speak *really posh.
After 2 years of this tuition he walks into a shop and asks for “20 Bensons, the Daily Telegraph and a box of your finest chocolate, my good man”
Clerk says to him “You’re Irish aren’t you?”
“Yes, but how did you know?”
“'cos this is a chip shop”
Chowder, grow up, “thick mick” jokes are so last millenium
>>> Well…I could post a link to the longest ever joke ever,
The longest joke ever is the one about the French Foreign Legion captain and the camel, (at least as I tell it.). (Punchline :- no, usually the men get on the camel and go to the nearest brothel. It’s kind of like the Aristocrats).
On the OP,the official Funniest Joke In The World
http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
is pretty funny and reasonably non-offensive.