Talking with a friend tonight about this phenomenon after another friend discovered the pictures a guy was sending her were actually of some internationally known model.
Back in the day, pre-internet, when I was meeting guys via newspaper dating and things like that, I would always make it a point to describe myself as ruthlessly as possible. Any guy that was still interested and met me almost invariably expressed being very pleasantly surprised, which was the goal: lower the expectations so that you can be a pleasant surprise.
What do people hope to achieve by misleading someone into believing they are thin when they are fat, short when they are tall, old when they are young, etc? Why would you set yourself up to be rejected, not only for being whatever thing it is you were hiding with your lies, but for the lying itself?
Have you personally done something like this and had it work out positively? Do you know anyone who has? Do you know anyone who regularly presents themselves dishonestly and has explained to you why they do it and what their expectation is?
That is what I imagine to be the internal dialogue of the women who perpetrate this fraud (I can’t speak for men). And I’ve had first hand experience in the matter.
I am aware of several people who do this as a test. They have no plans on meeting anyone, but mostly are trying to validate their theories about what matters most to women/people regarding looks, money, status, etc.
For example they might make a legit profile with information filled out that is supposedly compatible with what women are looking for, but since they are only average looking they get no responses or hostility. Then they make another profile where the information does not match stated desires at all, but use a model and then every woman in the universe matches them back or starts propositioning them, etc.
I’m sure some people actually expect to meet someone and try to manipulate them into overlooking the misrepresentation or just hoping other factors will overwhelm that. For example, when I met my wife her pics were a little out of date (though she did give me some warning, to her credit) but I was so far into her (which I regret) for other reasons that I didn’t care too much.
I was tricked into going out with a girl who weighed easily 80-100 lbs more than she did in her profile pic (as in one single picture. It was my first online date tho, so I wasn’t aware of the red flags).
It was weird too, because when I got to the Starbucks where we we’re meeting, I looked around and didn’t see her (or see who I thought she was). But she just waved me down, cheerily as fuck, smiling and excited, as if everything was perfectly normal. Um, okaay.
So I go sit down with her and chat for about a half hour before I politely excuse myself and make an early exit. At no point did she say one word about why/how she gained an entire extra, well, her. It mystified the fuck out of me.
Plus, the idea of it being some sort of “test” really irks me. What about the “tester’s” dishonesty and deception? And even with my experience, WTF was she thinking? What an awesome way to begin a relationship of any sort: on lies. Awesome.
I’m physically unattractive but I have a nice personality
if I can trick a female into going on a date with me with a good picture
once she gets to know me she will overlook my physical shortcomings and fall in love with my personality
I guess the idea is that in the comfort of their own home people feel all right to reject others for whatever petty reason they like, but once confronted with an actual person will not be so quick to say “you look nothing like your picture. I’m off.”. So you get at least a shot at turning them around.
Knowing humanity, I’d say they rationalize lying about their appearance by pointing out the people honest about their appearance are lying about other stuff, like a very attractive friend of mine who never mentions she’s got two kids, or is unemployed, or lives with her mother. (Or that she’s no longer thirtysomething.)
I think for many men catfishing is about power and curiosity. The reality of Internet dating for men is that unless you are in the most elite 10% of men, most women won’t give you the time of day. So there is probably an appeal to setting-up a profile and having all these women who normally wouldn’t even talk to you end up competing for a fake version of you. It’d be kind of. Like applying for jobs and getting dozens of rejections or lack of responses. It is satisfying to lie on your resume and pretend you are a high value employee and suddenly all these employers who normally wouldn’t give you the time of day are lining up for you instead.
Plus curiosity, dating is miserable for most men so they wonder if it is as easy for beautiful men as they have been told. And it is, at least getting your foot in the door is.
I’ve never done it, but I’ve read threads on other forums where men discussed their catfishing experiences. Power and curiosity seemed to be the main motives, the men didn’t actually intend to meet any of these women.
I’d guess the “foot in the door” theory – at least they got a face-to-face and can try and change your mind.
But that’s when you sent some photo of yourself from ten years and a hundred pounds ago and you at least have the plausible deniability of “Well, that’s a picture of me”. Sending photos of some other person seems just bizarre.
There are also scammers using dating sites who put up stolen photos. They hope to develop a relationship via email and chat, get their victim emotionally involved and then hit them up with some sob story that involves sending them money. A common one is pretending to be an American soldier in Afghanistan, and yes, women have fallen for this.
They never intend to meet anyone. Just jerking off to a live person.
Deep denial.
I had a date with a guy who claimed to be 5’ 10". I am 5’ 5" and he was maybe 1/2 inch taller. When I mentioned it to him, he told me I must be wrong about my height. He was also Mr. Happy Hands and didn’t stop the touchy feely even when I told him is was making me uncomfortable.
The only time it happened to me the picture he sent was probably 20 years old. But he was a very attractive guy even older. (we didn’t work out for other reasons… )
When talking about your appearance, where almost everything is subjective, there’s a continuum of honesty rather than simple black-and-white. For example, think of the following common dating site behaviors, listed from most to least dishonest:
[ul]
[li]Total falsehood, but difficult to falsify absolutely on the first date. (A man saying he’s 6’0" when he’s actually 5’10", or a woman saying she weighs 135 when she’s 155.)[/li][li]Dishonest statements of opinion that could be rationalized. (An average man listing his physique as “athletic,” rationalizing that, well, it’s athletic compared to a fat guy.)[/li][li]Ruthless editing. (A woman taking her photos from the super high “hide my chin, show my cleavage” angle. A guy using a photo that’s five years old. Anything done in Photoshop other than basic cropping.)[/li][li]Merchandising 101. (Having a friend take ten photos of you and choosing the one you think looks the best.)[/li][/ul]
I would guess that few of us here would do the first, but almost all of us would do the last. I mean, where does “putting your best foot forward” end and “out-and-out bullshitting” begin?
Just about every woman I know who is around my age has gotten married to a guy she met online.
None of the guys belong to the elite “10%”. Unless you think having a job that supports an independent lifestyle, possessing an average countenance with average grooming habits, and being free from baby mama drama are “elite” attributes.
Every time I go out, I see tons of average-looky, schlubby guys holding hands with similarly matched women. How do such pairings happen if your assertion is true?
I think the bottom 10% of any distribution will always struggle to find mates. This includes both men and women. But sorry, I don’t buy your assertion that the only men who can afford to be honest in their dating profiles are the “elite”. That sounds like a pity-party bullshit rationalization right there.
Well for starters, thank you as an asexual woman for having the wisdom to condescendingly explain to a heterosexual male how life works for us. Most people would be too constrained by humility to do that.
This reminds me of the time I went into the feminine hygiene isle at cvs and talked down to the women about how period cramps feel. They didn’t appreciate my wisdom for some reason.
The reality about online dating is for men if you aren’t elite you are mostly invisible. Are there exceptions, yes but that is how it works for us. It is what it is, not what we want it to be. This relates to the op because some men will create fake elite profiles just to see how dating feels for the minority of men who have lots of options.