Self-criticism. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d have a shelf full of gold medals and the competition every four years would be over who would win silver. To the outside world, I am successful and accomplished. On the inside, it all feels like a sham–that I’m really good at fooling people.
I have lots of problems but everything is made worse by my narcissistic self-pity. Self-pity on a scale comparable to Lucifer after being cast out of heaven.
I want to hear it. That’s why I created this thread. 
Prescription pain pills----I’m addicted to codeine and find it hard to not doctor shop.
Depression.
Male, 72 years old & a recovering Texan
PTSD from being molested as a child by at least two adult males, one of which was my own father. It’s been aggravated lately by my little girl being sexually assaulted this past March. I go through spells of derealization, plus severe panic attacks, multiple phobias, binge eating, and depression. I self-harm when I feel detached but so far it’s mostly just surface cuts and bruising, but I fight it so hard. I can no longer work and it’s getting harder to drive because I have occasional hallucinations of planes falling or cars coming towards me. I’ve started taking Risperidone in addition to 200 mg. Zoloft and I’m really, REALLY hoping it makes a difference. I started taking it Monday. I haven’t noticed much, only that I feel heavier than usual, like gravity is working overtime on my arms and legs. They said it might take a few weeks to really start noticing a difference.
My psychiatrist and case manager both feel that I should apply for disability but I panic every time I even start talking about applying. I feel ashamed because I’m not physically disabled and I feel like they’ll be judging me and thinking I’m a faker. I don’t want to get that same look from them that I get from my brother, who thinks I’m just a lazy slacker. I don’t want to be this way. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, including the government, but I don’t want my older daughter to feel like she has to be responsible for me.
Also, I’m just very, very lonely but I’m so shy it’s hard for me to make moves towards making friends or even keeping in contact with older friends because I don’t want to bother them. The only people I have regular contact with are my daughters and roommate.
Thank you (and you, corkboard, and you, purplehorseshoe). I’m thinking along the lines of an occupational certification such as lab tech, though CPR training would be a start…I guess saving lives is somewhat respectable. 
Well the childhood abuse thing certainly framed my life, but right now my sister is being given morphine (or whatever similar) as she’s being tested for cancer, so the jokes abound. Her partner is a ex heroin addict, so the jokes are she and I know all about that.
What happened was my mother wrote a series of articles - with a bunch of totally made up stuff about me - absolute slander describing a fictional hard drug addiction - and had them published, my cousins avidly read the weekly articles. I knew nothing. When I went home everyone was not taking me to the pub. Eventually one of the cousins said - look - what’s this all about - you’re no ex-junkie. He forced my mum to let me have one of the articles to read. I didn’t even finish it, I was so shocked.
So I suppose it’s all about lost innocence and betrayal for me. I’m blowing off typing this so I suppose it manifests itself in anxiety, stressed out neck and back pain and I use my boyfriends for sex, I’ll back off when they want to get closer. Guys say they would like a relationship like that, but well, ok well they do like it, but you know, something’s missing.
Friends will say - why do you let him treat you like that whereas it’s him holding me saying stay stay and me getting up and leaving. They only take so much of that.
age, Think I’m going to lose
Rushgeekgirl to hell with what your brother thinks and listen to the professionals, you have a chance to even things out a bit, go easy on yourself for a while. I truely wish I’d had that chance. That PTSD shit came over me like a … well I don’t know what. There’s support for alcoholics, drug addicts, if more people could have had support for child abuse earlier I’m sure there would be less need for those organisations.
Trying to get my 24 year old daughter to get her shit together…it eats at me every single day…
Yikes…
Mostly I’m just battling professional boredom. I litterally just spent the past ten minutes staring out the window at South Street Seaport and trying to figure out if those airplanes are taking off from JFK or landing at La Guardia.
My weight is sinusoidal, with a roughly five year period. But I’m due to lose weight like last year, so now I need to actually work at it.
Either way, fat or lean, I hate the way I look. I feel like a troll. I have a wife and a girlfriend who tell me I’m handsome and gorgeous everyday, but I feel like they’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Most of my problems seem to be cyclical, but with different periods, so there is always something. I’m bipolar, and right now I’m in a very “I hate myself and my life” period, with overtones of “You asshole, your life is great, what gives you the right to feel depressed, jerk?”.
I smoked for four years in the Army, and quit in 2004. But every 2 or 3 years I pick it back up again for a few months in a cloud of self hate. I just recently quit again, so I’m dealing with that.
Ambition, procrastination, motivation all ebb and wane. I have a decent job now after being unemployed for a year after college, but with ~20% going to retirement and my kid’s private school, I still feel like we’re barely scraping by.
I want to exercise, but I never feel like I have enough time, and the once a week or so that I do get time, I just feel like laying around on the computer and napping. Which brings back the “bloated fatty” and “I hate myself” feelings.
But you know me, I can’t complain.
Foxtrot, you sound very articulate in your writing. I tend to think better writers adept at writing come across better than speaking. I am often tactless and when folks criticize me for being bashful or shy, I’m like, would you rather me open my mouth and make a foolish comment? I know there are loudmouths out there who don’t have filters and don’t seem to care about being discourteous, but I am self-aware. (And is that truly better?)
I excel better at writing because there’s a backspace; you can’t edit yourself if you are speaking.
I’m introverted, but I often believe that is so since I don’t seem to like the normal things others do. (Often frustrated at this.) I absolutely love older films and tv shows, and sad to say youngins my age have no clue what I refer to.
My boyfriend. We’ve been together ten years. He’s an unemployed tech writer. He’s depressed and currently has no ambition and is eating me out of house and home. I love him very much but I can’t do this any more. He lays around feeling sorry for himself and it takes screaming to get him to do anything. I’m not a screamer and I hate that he’s made me one. If I kicked him out he has nowhere to go, he’d probably just sit in the driveway. He lost his bank account and now he can’t even get a savings account due to his bad credit.
He wasn’t like this when we met, of course. He had a job and was doing well, but was laid off. Thank goodness I didn’t marry him or my credit would be down the drain, too. The thing is, he’s a very good, very kind person who has helped me through family tragedies and other problems. If he were a jerk or an alcoholic or beating on me he’d have been gone long ago, but he’s not.
If he would JUST get his shit together. I’ve tried to get it together for him, but I learned it’s not something I can do. So stressful.
Edited to add: I’ve tried to get him onto anti-depressants, but he’s convinced they’ll make him fat. I’d rather live with a fat, happy person. I’m a usually a fairly sunny, optimistic person and it wears me out to be dragged down all the time.
Age. Depression. Overweight. Social Anxiety. Insomnia. Pain.
On the other hand, I have many things going for me as well.
Guilt. I’m not sure it’s an everyday battle, but it’s ongoing. That’s what being raised Catholic will get ya!*
Homeless people? I feel guilty that I’m doing fine and have more than I need. Depressed friend? I offer support where applicable and then feel a twinge of guilt that I’m happy and satisfied. Someone I care about asks for a favor/something I am unable to accommodate? You guessed 'er… guilt.
I could cite a zillion examples, but it’ll exhaust me and bore you.
*Somewhat kidding.
Weight, anxiety with agoraphobic tendencies
actually dealing with all the bookeeping, taxes, and other administrative stuff in my biz as opposed to just fixing stuff.
Depression, with isolation and anxiety to boot. Always felt I’m on the outside, looking in as far as friends, family,relationships. This does not help as we are growing older, some of us are falling apart, issues of discontent, resentment exacerbated by fatigue and alcohol leading to unpleasantness…I feel I have a small window of time ahead before we succumb to some dread disease, but there is so much standing in the way of just letting go of problems and enjoying ourselves. Always something to worry about, always some obligation, guilt, resentment, fatigue…leading back to depression/isolation/anxiety. I wish I could get in the car and just run away, but I’ve never driven more than 20 miles in any direction from my house, and never on a highway! God. I’m a loser.
My weight. I will never be “normal” - to maintain a healthy weight I have to THINK ABOUT it every darned day. In some ways, it’s easy because it’s habit. In other ways, it’s annoying because it’s tedious and never ending.