I have some views on what rules I believe there should be for children. My parents are overly strict, I am 17 and not allowed to go on a date without my parents being there, so I was wondering what other people believe the rules for a child should be.
What is your opinion on strictness in parents? How strict should parents be and what is just absurd?
Hang on, one more year.
We all had issues with rules regards to our parents.
About age 24, you’ll wonder where that structure went.
Hey, and aren’t “dates” at school a thing. I thought I heard my own daughters(adults now) speak of it.
You’ll live thru it. We are mostly adults with some age and we lived to tell it.
I swear, I promise your parents won’t always rule you like this. Just be independent. Get an after-school job. Baby sit, something. Study hard so you can go to college.
Then you have choices.
I currently have been accepted to a college, but I’m not allowed to have a job, or get my permit/licence, for what reason I have no idea.
Yep. They are super strict.
Many kids have gone thru this, you’re not alone.
Many adults on this board had these kinds of parents.
My Daddy was strict. He was a Marine. We had inspection every morning. He was extra strict with me. Reasons.
I promise it will end.
One day you’ll wake up say “Damn, I’m 30yo. What happened my life?”
Thx, for the advice. I appreciate it.
I was not expecting that. I’m the parent of two successful and happy kids, and that’s way too strict IMO. Is it a religion thing? They are afraid of you sinning? Knowing where you are going is fine, a curfew is fine, but them coming along? That’s sick.
Are you going to get to go away to college, or are you stuck living at home? Kids who never experienced freedom before college might go wild, so your parents may be shooting themselves in the foot.
I planning on moving away for college yes, but they don’t know that yet. My brother wanted some freedom when he turned 18 and they stopped talking to him, so i’m not sure how it’s gonna go. Also, no it’s not a religion thing just their preference.
I couldn’t imagine wanting to go along with my kids on a date when they were your age (my youngest is four years older than you).
Of course, when I was your age I was already out on my own, which may have something to do with my permissive parenting style. I basically had one rule for my kids; “Don’t be stupid.”
IMHO, the issue isn’t whether something is strict or not, but rather, if it’s sensible. If something is nonsensical, then even slight strictness is ridiculous. If something is necessary and logical, then even very tough strictness is sensible.
The issue many parents run into, though, is that they think they are raising great model kids by being super-strict, when in fact they are raising really good liars.
IMHO parents should be extremely strict when children are under 6; moderately strict when children are 6+ to 12; and mostly hands-off, pick your battles carefully, advise as needed, when children are 12+ to 18. That’s what I did.
Sometimes it doesn’t just “end”. The scars left can affect how you treat others and, more importantly, how you treat yourself. If professional help is available, seek it out please.
The first part just seemed too strict but possibly based on legitimate concern. Yeah, they just want to make sure you don’t wind up a teenage parent or something. But when you say they won’t let you get your permit to drive (and don’t give you a reason why) and cut off your sibling for leaving home?
Those seem like red flags. I’m getting a very controlling vibe, possibly even meaning “narcissist” parents. You may want to check out places online that talk about such and see how much of their behavior matches with those. There you can find people and resources to help if my instinct is correct.
One community I am aware of is Reddit’s r/raisedbynarcissists.
The dating thing is weird and maybe a bit creepy, but this is actively bad parenting. If parenting means anything at all, it means getting your kids ready to live in the world as actual adults. It looks like you’re going to turn 18 with no ability to drive, and no experience with the world of work, not even a part time job. And that means they’re failing as parents. Soon you’ll be tossed into the world, and have no experience of how to live in it.
Learning to drive and getting a job when you’ve still living at home for a few years has a purpose - so that when you make the kinds of mistakes almost everyone makes at first, it’s not a potentially life-destroying event. You’ve got your parents to fall back on if you get fired for doing something wrong, for instance. When you’re out on your own, and paying rent, suddenly losing your job could ruin your life in very short order.
That’s beyond strict, that’s fucking controlling and abusive.
Yes. The OP is facing a real problem.
@lilybug0309: Most of us here are roughly your grandparent’s age. We’ve all been where you are ourselves, and watched our kids and now grandkids going through the same process you’re about to. Plus/minus the individual variation of each of those lives, ours and others.
You can anticipate that when you move out 3 things will happen:
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Your parents will disown you as they did your brother.
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You will suddenly be on your own with negligible skill in doing the useful parts of being an adult.
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You will suddenly be on your own with negligible practice at participating in personal freedom and the bad opportunities that come with that. Some “bad” is great fun … as long as you don’t overdo it.
All 18yos are at best apprentice adults. They’ve usually picked up some of the ideas and some of the habits, but they’re neither highly skillful nor consistent in their application. And there’s a lot of real world stuff they’re just flat ignorant about because they just haven’t encountered it yet. At the same time the optimism of youth means their estimation of their personal skill and general I-got-it-togetherness is grossly exaggerated versus objective reality. There’s no dishonor in being that way, and I mean no disrespect to any 18yos in my description. It’s just the way being human works. It sure worked that way for me.
For whatever set of misguided reasons your parents seem to have decided to raise an 8yo. So now you’re about to turn 18 with the life skills and experiences of an 8yo.
That is a difficult lift. Millions of people have done it; some to good results and others not. It can be done. Do not be discouraged. But do be forewarned and hence forearmed about the trial ahead for you. Your parents have done you no favor by their parenting style.
I (and probably all of us here) wish you well. Keep us posted.
As the parent of two twenty something young adults, I’d say that’s too strict. I’d suggest seeing the school counselor, presuming you’re not home schooled. They should be able to help you figure out first steps when you’re out of the house, in college or otherwise.
I think far too many parents today are far too lax. But your parents are almost something different than what I would call strict. I think many folk would have called us strict when we REQUIRED that our kids get jobs when they turned 16.
Your parents impress me (and others) as fucked up. But most of us had/are fucked up parents in some way or another. As tough as it seems, I suggest you do your best to pick your battles and maintain open communication with them.
I don’t understand the dynamic in which your parents will not know that you have applied to, been accepted at, and intend to attend a college away from home. And I do not know how you intend to pay for that - especially if they disown you. Do your parents oppose college? Have you discussed with them your desire to take on and learn greater responsibility? I would hope you have had enough dialogue with them to be able to express it more clearly than simply, “I have no idea” and “just their preference.”
What were their experiences? When did they get their first job? What was their schooling? Why do they think that was good or bad? How have you (and your brother) tried to express your views? If you have not had such conversations, why not? If you have, how have such conversations gone? What is communication like in your household?
If your parents insist on being unreasonable, I’d urge you to consider thinking of your relationship in a somewhat mercenary tone. What do you HAVE to do to get what degree of support from them? It might be worth staying at home and attending a local college - or at least a 2 year community college. After 2-4 years, and with a degree and a couple more years under your belt, you will be more capable of pursuing what your parents are denying you. Then, fuck em. Live your own life, and if there comes an opportunity for rapprochment years later, deal with that as it comes.
Further thoughts - just to state the obvious, we are only hearing one side of it. No insult intended, but in at least some cases, 17 year olds may not be a reliable source for an informed and unbiased perspective. Just saying, you haven’t had the opportunity to experience various scenarios/relationships which might inform your situation and suggest options.
I suggest you view your relationship with your parents as a protracted campaign, rather than a series of isolated hot topics. Don’t simply start off with, “I want to get a job! Why won’t you let me?” (To repeat - in most of our experiences, teens may not present such questions in the most persuasive manner.)
Start off by trying to improve communication, taking a LONG approach. Try to tamp down your emotions. And don’t have any single specific objective. Instead, just envision a range of goals, and appreciate any progress made towards any of those. Perhaps start off by expressing appreciation for what your parents have accomplished - presuming they obtained some education, got decent jobs, have decent jobs, etc. (If they are deadbeat fuckups, efforts at meaningful communication are likely screwed.) Ask them how they learned what they needed to learn to get where they are. Express your appreciation for what they have provided you, and your desire for greater responsibility in order to better enable you to succeed as an adult. Perhaps ask what additional chores you can take on at home. Or how you can demonstrate your capability for additional responsibility outside the home. Again, view this as attaining the first of many steps you’ll need to get to a place similar to what you hope for.
Consider what will be best for you in the VERY long run. Ask your brother what he would have done differently had he a second chance. Will you be better off sacrificing some of your present desires, to allow a future in which you have some - albeit imperfect - ongoing relationship with your parents? In very general terms - so long as there is not active ongoing abuse of some sort, it might be better to retain SOME sort of a lifeline with your parents. Even if you aren’t crazy about your immediate family, they remain your family in times good or bad. And most parents, whatever their disagreements with their kids, retain some sense of wishing what is best for them, and some desire to help out if really needed. As opposed to friends whom you might find come and go.
Finally, consider the possibility of the military or trade schools/apprenticeships. They might get you out of your house, but earning $ and opening up possibilities, that might be better than being on your own piling up student debt.
I guess I was lucky. My parents didn’t make any “strict” rules. They concentrated on making sure we had moral values and respected other people. They also gave us a lot of independence.
My wife and I tried to use the same system with our children and it seemed to work okay. One thing I taught them early on was how to negotiate - “I’ll empty the dishwasher if I can stay up and watch Doctor Who.” etc.
Way too strict. Kids learn by doing things. Sometimes dumb things. Sometimes it ends very badly, but the overwhelming amount of time it’s fine.
I get along extremely well with my parents now, we’re very close. But I had to go away to college and do my own thing for a few years for that to happen. Best thing I ever did.
So my advice, from an anonymous rando on the internet who may or may not be a dog, is go to college and build the life you want. Once you’ve done that I bet they’ll reconcile, and you won’t be dependent on them.