My parents, who were abusive, were reasonable in some things. They viewed their responsibility as preparing me for adulthood, so I had a long leash as I got older, until I made some minor error and all hell broke loose. By the time I was your age my parents had a different house, I had a job, I drove myself to school, and my Mom would come back once a week to yell at me. I had almost no supervision whatsoever.
It was ironically their preparation that enabled me to legally emancipate at age 17.
So as to their strictness, I could only address them as Sir or Ma’am, I had to ask permission for pretty much everything, and I was expected to behave perfectly or else I would be subject to a litany of invective and personal attacks, property destruction, getting smacked around, etc. Whatever punishment I received was grossly disproportionate to the crime. I once dropped a pair of scissors and didn’t pick it up fast enough for my mother’s liking. An argument ensued and as punishment I was removed from band for one year. Band was my life at the time. The instructor tried to talk her out of it, but no dice. As a result of how I was raised I still feel like I have to do everything perfectly or else something terrible will happen.
Obviously as a parent now I want to protect my son from that nightmare. But I am really struggling with exactly how strict to be. He is autistic, ADHD and has a lot of behavioral problems, at five years old. I don’t know what’s reasonable to expect from him considering how much he’s struggling right now with executive function. I don’t want to bring down some draconian punishment if he is limited in how much he can control himself. I’m not sure what standard I can justly hold him to, especially if I haven’t given him any good alternatives for managing himself. He has asked me for help. We’re seeing a professional to get some ideas. But in the mean time, I am constantly second-guessing my parenting.
My advice to you based on the limited amount you’ve shared here is go to college and never look back. Some people you are better off without, and I kind of regret allowing my mother to take up so much mental real estate for so many years. Only you can really decide whether it’s that serious but for me it was and I wish when I had left home that had been the end of it.
My Daddy was stricter with me than my sibs because of my disease.
I vowed not be so strict with my kids. Alas, I turned into irritating helicopter Mom.
My middle daughter wanted to go swimming as a teen with her friends. Logically in my head I knew she was a good swimmer.
The place they wanted to swim was a dangerous gravel pit. I said “hell, no”.
Once she got done having cat fit. I explained my fears. She seemed to understand.
As they are adults now they often talk and laugh about the crap the snuck off to do.
Yeah, they all swam in that gravel pit as teens, without my knowledge. Apparently every teen in two counties did, til it was fenced off after a couple drownings.
I puffed up and bragged “told you so” ,then I find they had actually swam and lived.
I learned to trust that day. I provided the swim lessons. drove them many summer days to the pool where lifeguards were. And they practiced. I should of known to trust my preventive parenting by having skills taught early.
Fear of a tragic accident drove me to disallow the gravel pit.
Turns out I was wrong. Ain’t telling them that, tho’
I just tell them wait til your kids are teens. Knowing what they have to face.
Way too strict. Kid Cheesesteak is 17 and getting ready to go off to college as well. I’ll be back with more thoughts, but wanted to get this on my watched list for later.
The point of parenting is to get the child ready to be an adult. Keep them safe so that they grow old enough to become an adult. Teach them things so that when they’re adults, they’re functional, capable people, who have an opportunity to have a fulfilling life.
Remind your parents of this, you are going off to college, you are going to have to be an adult and be able to do adult things. Your future as a human being depends on your ability to function, to hold down a job, to have friends, to date, if you don’t learn these things now, while your parents are there to advise you, you will learn them when you’re out on your own, without them nearby.
Dinsdale had a great piece of advice, you can do what you can to open those lines of communication, but if your parents remain unreasonable, it’s time to be mercenary, you will have to protect yourself and your future.
Have you discussed college with your parents? They may forbid that if they plan on controlling you still. Once you turn 18 you can make your own decisions, but they can decide to throw you out of the house. Follow Dinsdale’s advice.
I was very loose with my kids. My daughter once forbade us from asking about her sex life, which we respected (although she was finished college by then). When her boyfriend moved into her apt, she warned us not to expect them to marry. After they married she warned not to expect her to have children. Her son happens to be 17 and is applying to colleges.
I was on site council for our high school in an upper middle class suburban neighborhood, and the principal said that kids getting thrown out when they turned 18 was a not uncommon occurrence. The OP should prepare a backup plan.
This. The authoritarian vs. authoritative model of parenting. The authoritarian falls back on “because I say so, and I’m in charge” as opposed to the authoritative model of explaining why some things are right and others are wrong.
That’s amazing. When I was getting on to 20 and about to start my third year as a commuter to college, I decided to share an apartment near school with a friend. My mother just about blew a gasket. “You live at home until you get married; cousin Ruthie will think we don’t get along, yadda yadda.” She was really upset. I did it anyway and she got over it.
In the OP’s case, they have been infantilized bigly and are missing a lot of life skills.
I have aplied for lots of financial aid, including FASFA and a state Scholarship in which I have been accepted for both. I do plan on moving out hopefully with their approval, but if they dissaprove then I assume that’s on them. They don’t oppose college they have actually made it a point that I am going whether I like it or not. I have disscsussed wanting to take on more responsibility but they told me I should enjoy my senior year. I just don’t understand how they expect me to do that and not be able to go anywhere or hang out with people.
I have talked to my parents more and since they have heard that I thought about moving out they have been on me about hiding stuff, I don’t believe I was hiding it, I was just waiting until I had made a final decision. But after my dad got made at me today for dressing in sweatpants and a sweatshirt I don’t believe I want to live here when I turn 18. I might be able to ask my brother for some assistance, or even some teachers I have as I go to a small school and have a close bond with some teachers.
I currently live with both my grandparents and my parents, my grandparents don’t agree with quite a bit of my parents rules but wont tell them otherwise.
The red flag for me is that the parents in this case are being very strict AND not explaining themselves.
As a parent of 14 and 11 year old boys, that seems really odd. If there’s something I do repeatedly and at length, it’s explain WHY they need to or can’t do something. My general thinking is that tthere aren’t any parenting secrets- if I’m pushing them to do something, or I’m prohibiting them from doing it, they deserve to know why.
I mean, none of those things are individually unreasonable- maybe they don’t feel like this person is responsible enough to drive- I didn’t take drivers’ ed until 17 because my parents didn’t think I was responsible enough. But they told me why. Maybe they don’t want them to work during the school year- fair enough, I wasn’t allowed to do that either. But it was explained to me that I was to concentrate on school and extracurriculars, not some minimum wage job.
Word of warning:
“Assistance” as in advice? Sure. Nearly anyone will readily provide that. Witness us here.
“Assistance” as in emotional support? Some. At least until you start coming off as perpetually needy and offer nothing much of emotional value back to them. We’re good at that too, but online is pretty thin gruel compared to in-person.
“Assistance” as in money, a job, or a place to crash? Almost certainly not other than your bro and even then he’s probably got not much to give even if he was willing to share everything he’s got 50/50. And I bet he’s not.
Good that you have a plan. I’ll put this in ALL CAPS: BE VERY WARY OF AMASSING STUDENT DEBT. And - as LSL says - I would personally be dubious about expecting non-family such as teachers to help with my expenses.
Re: sweatpants. I presume you were going out of the house somewhere? To school? Or just lying around the house? I’m sure some of us would differ as to how much interest/control a parent ought to have over what their teen wears. But did you know your dad disfavors sweats in this instance? If so, why did you choose to wear the sweats? You come across as intelligent enough to PICK YOUR BATTLES. Going to college and getting out of the house decently prepared for life is what matters. Wearing sweats on this particular day - maybe not so important. There will be a day that you will be free to wear (and pay for) sweats every day and night. Play the long game.
IMO, holding on to information until you made a final decision can be viewed as hiding something. Perhaps your parents’ unreasonableness has convinced you to be secretive and manipulative in some ways (I’m not trying to be overly critical.) But don’t deny that you were being less than fully open about your plans.
You want to move out at 18? That’s fine. But make a detailed plan. Where is the money going to come from? Is couch surfing really going to be more comfortable and helpful for study than following your parents’ rules?
Rather than arguing over wearing sweats, I suggest you work on asking your parents clear questions. Phrase them in a ridiculously respectful and polite manner. And do not lose your temper. Maybe ask mom and dad if you can set aside some time to discuss your future. Whether you believe it or not, tell them you value their input. If nothing else, this may allow you to gain useful info about the “enemy.” But hopefully, it might be a way towards attaining more decent relationships with your parents, and perhaps identifying some middle ground, where both of your wants are met.
Moreover, in your adulthood you will be able to look back and believe that YOU had done everything reasonable to make things right. Not saying your life should be about scorekeeping and holding onto grudges. But moreso, trying to eliminate potential regrets.
So, today I got up for school and everything was good but then my mom got up and started freaking out about two milk jugs being in the sink and not in the recycling. There was a huge argument about it between my mom and my dad, because they blamed us kids for it. We didn’t finish off the milk and we hadn’t had time to take it out yet because we were getting ready for school. I don’t know if she had a bad night or something but I don’t understand why we had to yell about it at 6:30 in the morning. This is the second day this week I have gotten in trouble and I’m a little scared they’re not going to let me go out on my date on friday.
Idk, does anyone have any tips on how I should handle this situation, or what I could do to make them less upset about the small things?
Also I have a date on friday, we are going to the movies and then out to eat. My dad and sister will be there during the movie, but they are going to let me go out and eat without them being there. I really excited, and I hope they let me go.
