All those scrooges who proclaim “Jesus is the reason for the season.”
Of course, if they ended up in hell, they’d have the pleasure of knowing that at least part of their fantasy was real!
If you time it right the Grinch can end before the little insipid Hoos come out of their hovels and start their pagan chanting. This way, the story ends on a high note, the Grinch’s caper successfully completed.
Yeah, they’re the worst. The WORST!
:rolleyes:
Didn’t the Chipmunks do a Christmas special once? 'Cause I really think “The Christmas Song” should start out;
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost strung up by his toes.
Burl Ives ablaze atop his funeral pyre
And Frosty’s eyes being pecked out by crows.
… I’d like a seat on the express train, please.
The genius, or monster*, who came up with piping music into any retail business so there’s no way to escape the saccharine sincerity that suffuses this season.
On second thought, that should be “The genius and monster…”
Santa Claus. I mean, the guy spies on all the kids in the world, keeps an enemies list, and creeps into people’s houses while they sleep. And WHERE does he get the money for all those toys ? There’s a dirty secret to be dug up there, I tell you !
I will join you on that train, because that verse is beautiful.
Can I chuck into hell all the owners of the five or six radio stations we have around here who are now all playing bad Christmas music 24-7? I thought two stations were bad.
Nothing like hearing Elvis sing “Blue Christmas” simultaneously three different times as you scan.
So true.
Especially when he tells Rudolph’s father how disappointed he is with him because he has a son whose nose glows. Total prick.
Then he does an about face when it’s too foggy on Christmas Eve and decides Rudolph’s glowing nose will save his ass.
Excellent message Santa, treat someone as an outcast becasue they are different until you can find a way to profit from their abnormalty.
The Burgermeister Meisterburger.
The whiny little emo-boy elf who wanted to be a dentist.
The Bride of Frosty.
The Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
Mannheim Steamroller goes down in flames.
Rudolph’s father was an ass. He reminds me of gym teachers from my youth. He’s just missing a pair of gym teacher shorts.
This puts me in mind of one I’ve been working on. We have this ceramic Frosty the Snowman with a light bulb inside, and when you plug it in, his big staring green eyes light up. It’s terrifying, really.
“There must have been
A spirit in
That old silk hat they found…”
“Down to the village
With a pitchfork in his hand
Running here and there
All around the square
Singing Hail to Lord Sa-tan.”
“He led them down
The streets of town
Right to the gates of Hell
And when those gates
Swung open wide
There was an awful smell!”
It finally struck me why Christmas Muzak is so much more annoying than all other forms of Muzak: because I know all the songs, so there’s no way not to pay attention to it.
I’ve taken up the habit of seeking out stores without Muzak and profusely thanking their staff.
A friend and I came up with a slasher sequel. How the Grinch Stole Christmas II:Silence in Whoville Can I get an aisle seat on the handbasket?
And the version from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. He gets a letter from the ‘whole town’ saying they don’t believe in Santa, and he can’t even send a damn elf to investigate? He doesn’t even go to the children in the HOSPITAL because he’s too much of a damn drama queen and his widdle feewings are hurt!! But make a clock that plays a song for him, and he’s there! It’s all about HIM.
(Funny, I used to love these two specials as a kid, and now I have a hard time watching them. The sadness of turning into an adult, I guess.)
Imagine a girl is born in August 1966. Her parents have already decided to name her after the mother’s childhood friend. They think to themselves “We’ll give our daughter this name; it is an unusual name, but how bad can it be?”
And then in the winter of 1966, a new holiday special is released on TV with a catchy song. Every Christmas for the rest of her life, the girl will hear this song. And people will think they are clever when they sing it around her.
When the girl meets a snowman at the mall at the age of 5, she has to argue with said snowman about her name. “Hi, little girl; what’s your name?” “Frosti.” “No, that’s my name, what’s your name?” “Frosti.” “Yes, I’m Frosty the Snowman. What’s your name?” “Frosti!!!”
May the creators of Frosty the Snowman burn!
Pretty much any character from a Rankin and Bass special. BurgerMeister-Meister Burger. More like Weed-Dick, Dick-Weed.
And that town that won’t believe in Santa if they don’t get snow, even though they live in the south, and yet this is going to ruin Christmas FOR THE PLANET!
I think they should make a special called The Year without a Douchbag where everyone gets along.
That would be my first choice, too.
Beautiful, man. Just beautiful!
Rhubarb, that’s beautiful. Unfortunately, Bob Rivers beat you to it:
Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, you know, the holiday season has arrived. And, with it, a little letter from Toledo, Ohio. Let’s read that, shall we?
[ reading ] “Dear Church Lady: I am shocked at the number of people who bring their children to total strangers in Santa suits, and allow them to hold their young ones firmly on their pelvic regions, offer them candy and whisper, ‘Don’t be afraid to tell me what you really want!’ What causes this mass hysteria?” Signed, Elaine.
Well, Elaine, let’s examine thew word “Santa”, shall we? [ holds up board with “SANTA” spelled across it in removeable letters ] Santa. Let’s see, what have we got here? We’ve got an S and an A, an N, a T, and another A. Hmm… [ rearranges the letters ] Who could be causing all those laps to bounce up and down curiously? Who would help grown men peel the focus from the baby Jesus on his birthday? Who could it be, I just don’t know. Could it be… Satan!! [ the letters now spell “SATAN” ]
(from here)