What kind of database are you?

I’m a database of lines from The Onion.

What kind of database are you?


44 CFR, especially Part 65 and Part 70.

Susceptible to an SQL injection, if you know what I mean.

::big cheesy wink::

I’m an outdated Oracle 8i database on a load-balanced server cluster that’s been writing bad data to all disks because the RAID controller’s failed.

Where’s my brain backup?..

Non-indexed and full of unsortable blob fields.

Mostly lines from Aliens, Mystery Men and various Barbara Harris films with the occasional minor/trivial line from Hamlet, all in first normal form and triggers causing mutating tables all over.

Uh oh, Rollback segment too old.


MS Access – wonderfully useful and effective for certain kinds of tasks, but more often misued.

Also, I made my living as an Access developer for a number of years, so I have a soft spot for it in my heart.

I’m operating in interrupt mode with no stack.
(More of a CPU joke than a database joke, but I like it anyway.)

A kludge of imdb, snpp, and cndb (NSFW).

I’m a poorly cross-indexed field of electoral data.

My skull is a vast, dusty storehouse of useless knowledge. Nobody wants to play trivia games with me. I don’t have the kind of knowledge that’s good for earning a living. It’s good for making people say, “How the Hell did you know that?”

Multi-table relational with multiple relationships between most pairs of tables, stored in several different architectures (MySQL, FileMaker, Oracle) and all of it ported from a dusty folder of ancient and long-obsolete flat-structure files.

With no documentation.

Normalized to 3AF (Third Abnormal Form).

I’m a heap. Old micro OS term. Very disorganized unless you have a good memory to trace back and forth.



I don’t remember, I don’t recall
I got no memory of anything
-anything at all

Obscure music trivia. Did you know that the former lead singer of Arab Strap, Malcolm Middleton, is preforming as a solo artist now? And that the girls from Smoosh did vocals on a track (“Noisy At The Circus”) for the musical collective Head Like a Kite? And the Bard Of Ely song “You’re a Liar, Nicky Wire” is about the lead singer of Manic Street Preachers? Now you do!

One that is indexed by Google. In that I mean that keywords free-associate in my brain. It’s quite similar to those Bing.com ads.