My cousin and his wife had a baby two days before Christmas. On Christmas day, his wife had severe pain and was taken to the hospital. She is still there being treated for non-life threatening, but still scary complications. She’s pretty much doped up.
My cousin has a new baby at home but is spending most of his time at the hospital (which happens to be very close to my house). I want to help him out without being intrusive. His dad is taking care of the baby and helping out with grocery shopping, laundry and watching the house.
I plan on visiting him at the hospital this afternoon. I’m putting together some stuff to take with me. So far I have, some snack food and magazines, maybe some travel size toiletries. Since my house is so close to the hospital, I’ll give him a key and tell him to go over if he wants to take a shower, grab a sandwich, or whatever.
Anyone been in a similar situation and thought “I wish I had X?”
First thing that comes to mind is prepared food. Snack food is good, but don’t just offer him the chance to grab a sandwich, bring him one. Bring one for yourself, too, and eat together while you’re visiting with him. This will discourage him from setting it aside for later (out of distraction or politeness) and then never eating it. Same with your uncle - bring him some prepared meals, or if you have time, go and cook some things with the groceries he bought - ideally, things they can freeze or refrigerate, and just eat cold or microwave as needed. Any little amount of prep you can do can be a big help - if there’s fresh fruit or a block of cheese, cut it up into bite-sized chunks.
Your uncle’s going to need a break, too. If you have a couple of hours to spend with the baby while he takes a nap, or goes for a walk or to a coffee shop, or even just watches TV there at the house, it can be a huge help. Or if you’re not great with tiny babies, then do the laundry, shopping, etc. for him. You can even prep bottles and grab diapers and so on so that all he has to worry about is his grandkid.
And depending on how far away your cousin’s house is, if you’re feeling extremely generous and have room, you could offer to have your uncle and the baby stay with you for a while, so that your cousin can make quick trips from the hospital to see his new baby, without leaving his wife for too long.
How about some premade meals for his Dad? Taking care of a newborn can be a handful and being able to just pop a small casserole in the oven and eat is great. Perhaps offer to spell him and watch the new kid for an hour or so, so he can perhaps run an errand is nice.
Thanks, these are good suggestions. In the interest of full disclosure, he isn’t really my cousin. His dad is married to my sister, I think technically he is my step-nephew-in-law, but we’re about the same age. live near each other and our wives are friends. Cousin works and I’ve always wanted a cousin.
I’ll cut out work early and bring hims a care package. They have a 5 year old as well as the new baby, so I’m throwing in some coloring books and crayons so that they can keep her busy if she gets fussy during a visit to the hospital.
Ah! Good call, and this gives me another suggestion. A new baby is often stressful on the older sibling, because they can suddenly feel like they’re not special/important/noticed anymore. I’m sure that’s doubly true in this case, where Mom’s health is also taking center stage. And I’m sure she’s also worried about her mom herself. She could really benefit from some one-on-one time and attention, with Grandpa, Daddy, and even you, if you’re close to her, to reassure her that she’s still loved and important, and to give her a chance to discuss her fears and feelings. And that will also give Grandpa and Daddy much-needed breaks. If she does get fussy, that’s a perfect opportunity for someone to take a stroll with her and get some ice cream, or just hang out with her in another room and chat with her while she colors.
RENTING a kiddie movie and watching it with her might be a better idea. Some kids go bananaz in a darkened theater! She pitches a screaming fit, the manager shows up, and says, “I’m her cousin-in-law…”
NOT so good.
Offer to help stock the house with plenty of diapers and plenty of formula. Offering to do laundry and clean the bathroom and doing the dishes. A refrigerator safari is also nice, get those science projects out of the back!
I was going to suggest: babysitting, home cooked meal like a casserole that can be popped in the oven, meal for the 5 y o kidlet, diaper and formula run…
See if Mom would like you to bring the older kiddo by the hospital for a visit. Dad may not be able to deal with the logistics of driving home to get her, driving back to the hospital, driving her back home, driving back to the hospital to spend time with his wife… Much easier if you can bring her for a visit and whisk her away home when she’s had enough.
But check, first. If Mom isn’t up to putting on a cheerful face, her daughter might be better off waiting to see her until she feels better.
Concerning the five year old, I remember being given a large stuffed bear by a family friend when my youngest brother was born. Since I never got presents outside of Christmas and birthdays, it went a long way to relieve the “why is he getting all the attention?” blues. That bear still means a lot to me, actually.
My only other idea that hasn’t already been mentioned is that hospitals can be desperately boring places. If you know your sort-of-cousin’s taste in books, he might appreciate a new one. If the wife is up to it, she might enjoy a book on tape or some music.
However you all are related, you’re certainly a good friend.
All these suggestions are fantastic. The only other thing I can think of that might be appreciated is an IPod (?) (The newest music contraption I’ve got is a CD player, so I don’t know what I’m talking about here.) But I think you know what I mean; something he can listen to that won’t disturb his wife.
I’d second the offering to help with a newborn and five year old. The less your cousin has to worry about them, the better. I’d offer to watch the kids while the grandfather naps or whatever–it’s been awhile, but I seem to recall that newborns are up about every two hours. Even if the grandfather is napping when the baby naps, if he’s used to 8 hours of interupted sleep every night, getting up every two hours is going to take a toll on him.
About the five year old–color books and DVDs are nice, but she’s FIVE. She’s going to have a lot of energy to burn and coloring and watching movies isn’t going to cut it. Offer to take her to a park to burn off some of that energy. If weather doesn’t allow this, a lot of locations will have indoor play areas (like McDonalds) where she can move and run and scream. The upside to this is she’ll be very tired afterwards and should sleep for the grandfather/dad.
One thing I would suggest is to keep being helpful. Right now may be the easy period: newborns sleep a lot and everyone is eager to help. In a month, the baby will be at peak fussiness and people will be returning to their own lives and less available for help and mom may be home but not nearly at full strength. Then is theu time to drop off dinner, take the older child for the afternoon, run errands, load the dishwasher, etc.
I cannot emphasize enough how her recovery will be complicated by the sleep deprivation of an infant. Help once a week for the next couple months will be more useful than a flurry ofhelp now.
Thanks all, good suggestions. Regarding the new born and the five year old: a bunch of family had come up for the birth, so if you want to give any attention to either of the kids, you pretty much have to get in line. I went over to the hospital with some magazines, snacks and toiletries and my cousin and I just kind of shot the shit for a while down in the cafeteria. I think it was his first chance to get out of the hospital room for a bit. His wife is still kind of doped up, and when she fell asleep we stepped out.
She’s going to be there through New Year’s so my wife and I will go hang out, maybe bring a laptop with some dvds.
Bring meals that can be frozen/warmed up/ and are kid friendly comfort food (tater tot hotdish? Cheeseburger meatloaf with mashed potatos over the top?) Make them in smallish containers (I like the disposable bread pans).
Offer to come over for some mommy/daddy nap time. You’ll let the baby sleep, provide bottles (or take him straight to mom if nursing so her effort is maybe sitting up in bed), change diapers, while playing games with the five year old or watching TV. A four hour block of uninterrupted time would be best.
One of my girlfriends was in the hospital after the birth of her son with life threatening injuries from the birth - she was there a week. He was just freaked out, with a newborn. His mother was around, and he is very close to her, so she was in charge. If your friend has someone in charge ask them what to do or make your suggestions to them.