phew
I was worried you’d claim India before I could. Or Hong Kong.
The pith helmet-wearing was my main motivation too. Also a silly uniform, and lots of beer. An aide called “Simpkins” to whom I could bemoan, “Damn these drums”, local maidens fanning me on the terrace, and lots of IPA Bitter.
My aide will be nicknamed “Wiggles”, I’ve decided. And there will indeed be native servant maidens fanning me and my guests with palm fronds as another round of iced drinks are served, Safaris every weekend (weather permitting), and I’ll be issuing Knighthoods as well.
It goes without saying that my pith helmet will be larger and boast more ornamentation than anyone else’s, of course. 
Being greedy, I will put in for both Trinidad AND Tobago.
But I would happily settle for an appointment as Special Administrator in charge of Remote Outposts and Dense Jungles.
I call Sri Lanka.
Beautiful beaches, tea plantations, awesome ruins, mighty jungles, elephants, Buddhist culture, cool architecture, gem stones and a history that reads like the Arabian Nights.
The peoples of this island believe that their’s is, in fact, the original Eden of biblical fame, and I’m starting to think they might be right!
Gee, can you guess where I want to go on my next holiday?
I’ll have Monaco, seeing as nobody else wants it. Let me know when your super yacht has docked, and I’ll pop down and say hello.
Martini Enfield can have South Africa, because I got dibs on Japan. It’s a perfect fit too, being just 33,000 square km smaller.
Oh, I’d have big plans. The harem goes without saying. So first, I wouldn’t be emperor or any shit like that. Shogun is just fine. Fuck the Meiji Revolution, we’re going old school. The emperor can keep his holy position while I get all the actual power thanks.
So, second I’d erect a huge castle in Nara. I mean it was the capital before Kyoto or Tokyo anyway so what the hell. I have a thing for the deer there. Nothing like that, although it’s Japan so I’d probably get away with it.
Then there’s the construction of my floating city of which I will use to reach the heavens / become god-king / destroy the world. Depends on my mood really.
All the while I’ll be dining on toro paired with the finest sake. A man could get used to this.
Vegas. I do well in deserts.
The Irish Isles.
I’d like South Korea. Heck, I’ll take North Korea, too, if no one else wants it.
I respectfully beseech thee, O Great Overlord, to allow me to lead my people (which shall consist of no fewer than 2000 young, pretty, vapid and completely me-worshipping gay bois) to a small tropical enclave where I will lead a completely and shockingly debauched colony devoted to sybaritic hedonism.
Thank you. bows
I’d like to change my mind. I want the Cayman Islands. All the tropical paradiseness of Fiji, plus billions of dollars in secretive banks. Yes please.
I humbly petition to take New Caledonia as my personal territory and dominion.
As jusitfication*, I submit my willingness to change the official language from French to English and alter the national holiday from Bastille Day (14 July) to National Day on 18 December, to bring it into line with Qatar.
Having 25% of the world’s nickel, I would be happy to come to any mutually beneficial arrangement which included chocolate.
Fiji doesn’t get run over by hurricanes every other week. So unless you’ve got a Secret Tropical Volcano Lair, you may be in for a few… problems.
Bikini atoll
Being as The South Seas,New Zealand and Canada have already been grabbed er allocated that is then I claim Bermuda.
I will be a stern but unjust ruler,my demands will be many and…unusual…
I’m not sure the North Koreans want North Korea. I don’t foresee any issue with it being granted to you. 
Since the person who tried to claim Australia didn’t read the rules, I’m taking Queensland. I’ll build my palace in Brisbane, with a small 50-ish room summer place on the Gold Coast.
Well damn it, I see a problem with it. I want the Koreas – both of them. For the former* ROK, you have a stunningly productive economy with good growth and a lovely (well, kind of boring, I hear) main city. Plus there are all the cute Korean chicks and a nice climate with lots of mountains and coastline (for those of us who like that sort of thing. For the former DPRK, you get twenty-two million people trained perfectly to become minions. Plus, the package comes with three heavily-militarized countries’ worth of explosive toys, including a small nuclear weapons program. What’s not to like?
In regard to what would make me a good viceroy, remember: I couldn’t be worse than the guy I’m replacing!
*If I’m the viceroy, it ain’t “RO” no more.
I’ll take Singapore. The food is great and the people are used to being ruled with a heavy hand so are unlikely to find my regime particularly oppressive. I’m setting up in Raffles.
Let me take this opportunity to suck up to WhyNot - a brilliant poster full of razor-sharp insights - as I am rather hoping to take the occasional excursion to Bali when I need a break from my responsibilities.
MOhahahaha!
You are all picking places close to each other and will therefore, sooner or later, go to war over who’s got the right apple-pie-recipe or if it’s too hot or cold!!
And then, when all your dominions lie in ruins - the Azores will still be a perfect little heaven