Want to be King of England? Apply within!

Or queen, I suppose. Let’s just say sovran. I’d edit the subject line but then nobody would have an excuse to call me a sexist pig.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Out there in the multiverse there is a world – Earth-analogue 40840r84w08454545048504850984554pdq, like anyone cares – in which the monarchy in England still has power rather than just being a symbol and a drain on taxpayer resources. And yes, I do mean England, not Britain. It’s not that the realm doesn’t include Wales and Scotland; in fact it does, and also all of Ireland and Canada and Australia and the rest of what we’d have called the British Empire as of, say, 1900. When anybody complains the English reply, “Shut your pie hole, you filthy elf, we conquered you guys fair and square.”

Which is not the point of this story. The point of this story is that there is a Rhymer Enterprises office on that Earth analogue, and last Tuesday the current sovran of the Empire came by to hire us. Arthur XXXIV was trying to reverse-engineer a certain magical potion that grants anyone who drinks it eternal youth; said potion includes as an ingredient the blood of a freshly-murdered human infant. Arthur’s technomages had hit a brick wall in their research and so wanted RhE’s staff to help. Hearing his plan, I nodded, told him we could surely accomplish the task, took his retainer, and then shot him in the face for (a) being a fricking baby-murderer and (b) insulting me by thinking I was not gonna murder him for being a fricking baby-murderer. To be on a safe side I sent a platoon of murderbots to the Tower of London to execute everyone involved with the project, and set another group of assassins to eliminate all Arthur’s adult male relatives up to ninth cousins thrice moved. Rhymer Rules 2 and 7 prevented me from killing the women and children so we sent them to Culture universe.

So now there’s a power vacuum. RhE doesn’t do conquest on account of me being too lazy to run a country, much less an empire, so I’ve decided to set a Doper on the throne. You can rule with an iron fist, or try to guide the Empire’s subjects toward democracy, or anything in between; just see to it a global war doesn’t break out as that would impact my hookerbot business on that Earth.

Anybody interested? If so, tell me why you should get the gig and what your plans are once you’re wearing the crown.

Will there be meetings?..

What if all world wars were fought by hookerbots?

I just want the hot buttered rum, thanks. No way in hell I want to be a king.

Does droit du seigneur apply?

I have 2 degrees in history, with a focus on Britain. The job would be a lot of work, but a strong, stable monarchy is a marvelous thing in terms of quality of life for the Empire’s subjects, and maintaining the Empire.

Focus would be civil rights - all subjects to be treated equally. No white man’s burden crap. Once civil rights are entrenched I would consider a cautious move towards a constitutional monarchy. Giving people a voice in government is an important part of maintaining stability. (I’d name countries who failed to do this and the government then fell, but the list is rather long).

After that, who knows - space colonization perhaps?

:: reads post ::

:: re-reads post ::

:: summons HelenaBonhamCarter-model comfortbot, asks it for a cup of tea and a chocolate eclair ::

:: releases honey ratels on Rick’s house ::

:: takes small bite of eclair ::

While Mr. Kitchen is being eaten, I would like to remind the rest of you that I may be evil, but I’m not, you know, evil.

I would be delighted to be considered, and honoured to be chosen.

I’m a raging Anglophile of English heritage; my ancestors were potters from Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire. I’ve always appreciated the British monarchy for its history, traditions, continuity, political importance (not so much these days, but there are still moments), symbolism, pomp and circumstance. It sounds like my kind of gig. As the next King of England, if chosen, I would do my best to bring peace, political stability and prosperity. I would strive to rule with wisdom, dignity and firmness, seeing that justice is done and that the realm is protected. My longterm goal would be to establish a constitutional monarchy that could be supported by the great majority of the people. I have three healthy sons, so the succession would be assured.

Also, FWIW, I’m an Episcopalian (the Episcopal Church is the American offshoot of the Church of England). This might be important, since the monarch is Supreme Governor of the C of E.

Here’s the oath, for those considering the job. I could, in good faith, thus swear: http://www.royal.gov.uk/ImagesandBroadcasts/Historic%20speeches%20and%20broadcasts/CoronationOath2June1953.aspx

As the descendant of Scots who wound up on the wrong side of the 1745 rebellion, I would be pleased as punch to avenge my ancestors by claiming the English throne and reigning thereover with such wisdom and justice as the Protestant usurpers were never capable of.

I should be King because the Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, TriPolar, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I should be your king.

Now I know that strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Never the less, you might as well appoint the guy with the cool sword.

Speaking!

“Sovran”?

I would love to, but I am a baptized Roman Catholic and therefore ineligible. Not that I believe any of that any more.

Yes…?

You know many English words have more than one spelling, like?

A sword seems a bit of an antiquated instrument to use when resorting to the violence inherent in the system, wouldn’t a good blaster be a better choice?

Yes please. I’m a dual UK / Australian citizen so I shall represent both England and the colonies. I have traveled the world widely and am well read on politics and history. My plan is to do as much as possible to annoy the US and the French and Germans to prevent them challenging the empires dominance. I shall immediately cause Steampunk to become the height of fashion by getting all the royals to adopt elaborate outfits with brass fittings, layers of lace, gears and googles. I will also bring Dirigibles back into common use as the premiere way to travel between my empire colonies.

I will devolve most power to parliament but keep veto arrangements so I can be a benign check on power and also give considerable autonomy to parliaments in the colonies. I don’t have an heir at present but I will immediately begin to search for a suitable royal consort to ensure the continuation of the line. I’m in my 40s and male so have plenty of time remaining to produce an heir or two. I’ll also change the rules so first born becomes the heir regardless of gender.

Thank you for your consideration.

I have no claims; none through blood, none through arms.

English Royal males historically, it may be observed, tend to marry Damned Beautiful women though. Chase them Well, Happily, and Ever After, if it my please Your Majesty… :wink:

Well, I suppose that’s a correct spelling, from an 18th century viewpoint.

I am the one true King. Found this sword sticking out of a rock while I was walking through the woods. thought it was cool, so I took it. Then this old dude showed up and started talking about destiny and stuff. As the new king, I shall introduce this England to sweet tea, grits, and SEC football (available cuz i gots some stroke with Rhymer Enterprises).

coughCamillacough