Or queen, I suppose. Let’s just say sovran. I’d edit the subject line but then nobody would have an excuse to call me a sexist pig.
Anyway, here’s the deal. Out there in the multiverse there is a world – Earth-analogue 40840r84w08454545048504850984554pdq, like anyone cares – in which the monarchy in England still has power rather than just being a symbol and a drain on taxpayer resources. And yes, I do mean England, not Britain. It’s not that the realm doesn’t include Wales and Scotland; in fact it does, and also all of Ireland and Canada and Australia and the rest of what we’d have called the British Empire as of, say, 1900. When anybody complains the English reply, “Shut your pie hole, you filthy elf, we conquered you guys fair and square.”
Which is not the point of this story. The point of this story is that there is a Rhymer Enterprises office on that Earth analogue, and last Tuesday the current sovran of the Empire came by to hire us. Arthur XXXIV was trying to reverse-engineer a certain magical potion that grants anyone who drinks it eternal youth; said potion includes as an ingredient the blood of a freshly-murdered human infant. Arthur’s technomages had hit a brick wall in their research and so wanted RhE’s staff to help. Hearing his plan, I nodded, told him we could surely accomplish the task, took his retainer, and then shot him in the face for (a) being a fricking baby-murderer and (b) insulting me by thinking I was not gonna murder him for being a fricking baby-murderer. To be on a safe side I sent a platoon of murderbots to the Tower of London to execute everyone involved with the project, and set another group of assassins to eliminate all Arthur’s adult male relatives up to ninth cousins thrice moved. Rhymer Rules 2 and 7 prevented me from killing the women and children so we sent them to Culture universe.
So now there’s a power vacuum. RhE doesn’t do conquest on account of me being too lazy to run a country, much less an empire, so I’ve decided to set a Doper on the throne. You can rule with an iron fist, or try to guide the Empire’s subjects toward democracy, or anything in between; just see to it a global war doesn’t break out as that would impact my hookerbot business on that Earth.
Anybody interested? If so, tell me why you should get the gig and what your plans are once you’re wearing the crown.