I am always prepared. Popcorn is already warmed up.
Go Ryukyu!
I’m not impolite. I’m just anti-social.
Besides, where would I get troops for any kind of rebellion, anyways. It’s not like one can train albatross, after all.
Come for a visit! We have lovely surf, too! Of course you’d probably be best served by bringing an insulated dry suit, if you plan to play in the surf.
Penguins practicing small unit tactics? What are you talking about? No, those aren’t penguin portable TOW missiles they’re carrying. And no one has any portable weapon grade lasers, so you couldn’t possibly be seeing the penguins using laser weapons to shoot down spying albatross.
You’re a …Linux-user, aren’t you?
Gibraltar will do me just fine. Once the monkeys are cleared away (or just let me have a gun).
Now, now…that’s no way to talk about the Spanish!
You are aware that there’s a long-standing legend to the effect that if the Monkeys ever disappear from Gibralitar, that’ll be the end of the place?
I mean, go ahead and get rid of them, by all means. Once the engineering battalions of the Martini Empire’s Imperial Guard have finished on that Cape-to-Cairo railway Cecil Rhodes started on way back in the day, we’ll be sure to duck across the Med and offer you an attractive position as Governor-General of Gibraltar in its new guise as a Colony of the Martini Empire. 
See this is why I claimed early. Unfortunately while I was enjoying the fruits of my soon to be land people are already poaching my beautiful land. Since, Lord Almighty Skald has approved Silver Tyger’s claim I will also give up the entire inland valley of LA.
I am quite content to have Miller as the Queen of San Francisco for it will give me a place to drive the hippies but not have my lands forget how to grow quality weed. In fact I will give you the entire bay area (there are a lot of hippies).
Now Desert Nomad, unfortunately for you I am out of kindness for today, you must die. Not only will I kill you but I am also annexing the Nevada side of the Tahoe basin.
If Morroco is still available, put me down for that.
Otherwise, I’ll go waddle in siberia.
Having paddled out to surf in Antarctica and Newfoundland, the South Georgia Islands sound lovely. However, I have it on good authority that Vancouver Island may soon be casting off and sculling off across the Pacific, opening up Mainland BC to more surf, Skald willing.
Obviously I misunderstood your particular desires. We have a wide selection of hunky, sincere, environmentally active, slightly unshaven boy-toys for your approval. We do suggest that you lay in a supply of organic, shade-grown, free-trade coffee prior to delivery to help them with the transition.
(Frankly, we’re trying to get rid of the Pamela Anderson types, but clearly, these are not for the discerning types who will be running the Skald world order - my apologies, fellow vice-regals - please accept a gift of softwood lumber and BC bud as a token of my sincerity.)
And earthquakes.
Oops, did I say that out loud?
You can have your tropical paradises, but I’ll stick a little north of that. Beautiful mountains, fertile valleys, good fishing, and gorgeous spring flowers- sign me up for the Shenandoah Valley. It’s got a bonus too- my Ducal seat can be at Monticello!
I’ll take the Middle East. I know it’s bigger than California, but I’ll selectively take parts I want and ditch the rest.
Mostly I want it as a personal challenge. Sure they’ve been fighting for 2000 years, how long will it take me as a dictator to put an end to it? Should I go for making all sides hate me more than they hate each other? Should I use my powers to control the media and the education system and teach them to love each other? Should I start bulldozing things until there’s nothing left to fight over? So many fun choices!
Your choice of head-gear is important in the hot desert sun. Pith Helmets and Fezs have long been popular with various Empires in that part of the world; the question is do you want to be seen as the return of European Imperialism or the Ottoman Turks?
I think I want to go with something they’re not familiar with. I’m leaning toward the sombrero.
Skald:
I tried this back in '99 (or was it 2000?) Even though I was delegating like a sonuvabitch it just became a total administrative headache. I had thought the whole point of having minions so that you could kick back and relax, but all the time they keep coming to you with questions, questions, questions. Every time they achieve something they want to be congratulated. Every time they screwup they want to explain how it’s not their fault.
It grew quite wearisome quickly.
I hope you’ll have better success than I did. Maybe you’re the administrator type.
Anyway, you’re going about this wrong. The only reason things lasted for me as long as they did is that I knew the most important thing for a supreme despot was to have a good Secret Police.
You haven’t even thought about your Secret Police? Dude, get serious. First things first. Your Secret Police is going to need a seemingly innocuous yet oddly menacing name. My Secret Police Force was called “The Happy Fun Squad.” Next, you’re going to need a slightly twisted genius to run it for you. I used Elenfair. I think she’s still around, and as a retired despot I’d highly recommend her. Warning (half the reason I retired was she was beginning to scare me.)
Anyhow, good luck. I really don’t want any lands to rule. If you’re in the mood though, I could use a good vacation house (I’m thinking Versailles.) I’d like you to hire a team to search the globe for the 1000 sexiest women in the world, and have them run and maintain Versailles for me, while catering to my every whim and need.
Then I’d like you to hire a team of about a dozen of the world’s smartest scientists to work night and day coming up with new and exciting ways for those women to make me happy.
I really don’t want any administrative responsibilites. Whoever you give France to can just make sure the electricity runs, there’s water in the fountains, the grass is mowed, etc etc.
What’s in it for you? Well, you could come by and have a beer and watch football whenever you wanted. Hang out with the harem. That kind of thing.
What he’s not telling you is that the harem consists mostly of Nazi groundhogs. Or is that the secret police?
Fool of a Took! I don’t intend to be a despot, just a god-king. As such I don’t actually care what happens after the conquest, as it is the war itself that interests me. Youze guys can fight amonst yourselves all you want; the point is to keep me amused. Plus I’ve got my sun-killer-thingie to, um, kill the sun if things get dicey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, been there done that. Trust me on the Secret Police thing. You may not care what happens, but this doesn’t mean that they’re not all gonna still and come and ask you questions and favors, and complain about things.
You’re going to want a good Secret Police to drive fear into the heart of the populace and assasinate people that keep showing up asking for Universal health care, equality, fair representation and all the rest of that crap.
Trust me. Two weeks from now you’re going to really regret not listening to me on this.
Clearly you will give me my choice of lands, as I am intimately familiar with the designs of the sun-killer bomb.
I will take Nevada, Utah, New Mexico and Arizona. I plan to be the warlord of my own mad max style desert wasteland.