When I realized that for the last few months, rather than going to work as he’d been pretending, he was actually pawning my stuff downtown and spending the money on hookers and blow.
I wish I was kidding.
Waiting periods aren’t uncommon.
New York, which is where I was divorced has one also, but I never heard it called that. I just went to a lawyer who said “here are the step” and the last one was “and once all that’s done and the judge rules it takes a year to become final.” I’m not actually contemplating (well clearly I am contemplating - but not planning) divorce now. It was just that when I saw FairyChatMom’s post I thought it meant there was a one year waiting period before filing, which would then take an additional year.
Actually, New York used to require “cause” for a divorce (like adultery or mental cruelty or being incarcerated for more than 3 years) but had something called a “conversion divorce” which basically meant, you had to go before a judge who would set out a separation agreement, and after a year of the separation agreement being enforced and not disputed, the separation could be, on consent of both parties, converted to divorce. It wasn’t exactly a waiting period, although that’s what it felt like to a lot of people.
However, this year, New York State was dragged kicking and screaming into the 20th century, the last of our 50 great states to sign no-fault divorce into law.
Carry on.
I wasn’t too keen on the marriage idea in the first place but went through with it and generally hated it but I wanted kids and to be with them. There were many times of pure drama. She fights dirty no matter how petty the disagreement and can’t carry on a logical conversation to save her life. I honestly didn’t care about being a stereotypical good husband and only went through the motions when I had to.
The slide was very long but I remember having the kids home by myself one night when I saw that there was a traffic accident with fatalities on her route home about the same time she would have been there. A little while later the phone rang and I hesitated to pick it up. It was her saying she was safe and sound and would be home soon. I was devastated because it screwed up the one easy out I could think of. I was already planning how I was going to fake grief at the funeral in front of other people while being secretly thrilled. That is when I really noticed that something had to give so the next time she mentioned divorce during a fight, I just gave her a list of demands about child custody and assets and told her to call a lawyer.
Being divorced is one sweet deal deal if you do it right. There is no way I am ever getting married agin.
Gotcha.
In North Carolina, for an amicable divorce with no complications, you live separate and apart for a year, then you file a bunch of paperwork, then you wait 30 days (because the law doesn’t particularly make allowance for amicable divorces), then you file a motion for summary judgment, then about three weeks later (in my experience), you get back your Judgement of Divorce.
For me, the irony of discussing all of this today is that today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. I called my ex-wife this morning, with whom I normally have a very friendly relationship, and for the first time in the 22 years or so that I’ve known her, she hung up on me. Go figure.
My ex turned out to suffer from bipolar but the diagnosis came too late to save the marriage - guess there were underlying issues, and he was sporadic with his medication. For years he would go into periodic spells of depression - I would spend hours trying to talk to him, afraid he would do something stupid. His down phases always seemed to happen during holidays, and I got tired of going to family events on the base (we were military) alone, watching the families having a good time. The spells also caused him to sabotage anything we had achieved, emptying the bank account, wrecking stuff, etc. When he said one time he didn’t really like our house and wanted to live in a trailer (!), something clicked in me. I also had volunteered at the local university to advance my skills, and he did not understand the point of it.
Finally one night, he went completely AWOL from the army and headed up to his family’s home in Columbus, OH and I got a divorce notice a few days later. I was relieved. (I had planned on it myself but had hemmed and hawed). He later wanted to reconcile, but I said it would be the best for us. We remained friends, although I haven’t talked to him in a long time.
Its hard to be married to a guy who is living with his girlfriend.
I think the moment he realized it was over was when I canceled the joint credit cards. The moment I realized it was over was when SHE was explaining to me that he loved her, not me.
(His deal was some sort of poly fantasy. I look at the two of them and think even now they would really like to have someone stable who brings home regular paychecks and makes sure the kids have clean laundry in their relationship - to bring back a theme for the week - for those kids, maybe poly wouldn’t have been bad. Not willing to sacrifice myself for his kids though.)
I realized whilst sitting in a jail cell that this woman probably isn’t the most mentally stable person I could be with. I refer to that period in life as The Unpleasantness.
Actually she hung up on me after I told her I had no interest in discussing the situation.
She’s a very lucky woman.
I’ve forgotten what Friday’s ruckus was about, but our 6-yr-old twins were being a handful and he stalked out of the kitchen muttering “I hate this family” loud enough for my Mom to hear.
Saturday we took the kids to a festival and he moped around with a long face, tapping impatiently while they played free games, protesting that they were taking too long. I said “Why the hurry? We didn’t have anywhere else to go.” No reply.
Sunday we took our kids bowling - his idea - and after a game we gave them some quarters for the arcade while we played a second. Our son managed to actually win a toy from the claw game and bounced over to share his joy. My husband SCREAMED at him to leave us alone. His anger filled the empty bowling alley. When he saw my look, my protest, my husband said “What about what HE does?”
Our son, our first-grader, was still so shaken Monday he didn’t go to school. Instead he had a huge fit, hitting and kicking me.
On Tuesday my head was spinning. I kept trying to ignore the pressure but it was making me dizzy. I finally stopped to listen and heard “It has to stop.”
My soon-to-be-ex didn’t behave that badly every weekend. More like every third. Plus most of Sept-Nov.
I’ve finally let go of working my ass off trying to keep him in a state of equilibrium. Happiest I’ve been in years.
Our marriage was in a coma. I, too, was with an over-age 17 year old. We’d tried the usual stress-busting scenes - mostly featuring high drama and loud voices. Looking back now, I know he wanted to be looked after, to not have any responsibilities. At the time, I was living on hope and prayer. I had this inner vision of ‘marriage’, y’know?
So I was working a 3-11pm shift, came home to find him gone, the kids gone, the car gone, bank account cleaned out, Gov of Canada bonds missing, and cheques bouncing all over the city. After 11 days, the kids’ whining for me caused him to phone and to let me know where they were (two provinces away). I had already filed for divorce, went and picked up the kids (his girlfriend secretly helped arrange that; she had two of her own and didn’t want two more.)
That’s the short version.
Not me, but a close friend. She inherited some money and bought new carpetin, all new furniture, and a new mini-van so the family could go on vacations in style. Maybe he resented her getting that money? He turned bitterly verbally abusive, made everyone miserable, they were all tiptoeing around him. She insisted they go to marriage counselling, and he went three times and seemed willing to work on it. The fourth time, they came home and out of the clear blue sky, he dramatically ripped up his folder of “homework” right there in the driveway, and declared he was fed up with that shit and not going any more! She filed for divorce right after Christmas after much much much more drama, and she and her nearly grown kids have not done well since. HE managed to keep the house, (bought her out). HE is doing fine, it seems, in spite of being a stupid, fat, illiterate pants load who recently lost his 20 year job but he’s one of those wiley types who knows how to work the system, get stuff free, has no shame in hitting up charities for assistance, and has everyone feeling soooo sorry for Poor Bill.
I’ve had three strikes. The first one, we married way too young and simply grew apart from one another. It was mutual. The other two screwed around on me.
I don’t know Shagnasty’s full background, but please don’t judge the impulse to wish your spouse’s death until you and your children have had to live for years with someone who inflicits abuse like it’s the only medicine that gives him or her relief from terrible pain.
As a few other posters mentioned…apathy. Such a perfect word for the end of my marriage. I no longer cared about her cheating on me or coming home to rant about something, which usually had something to do with me, no matter how twisted her reasoning was.
Unfortunately I didn’t have the balls to ask for a divorce so in classic passive-aggressive behavior I just started ignoring her (which I knew she hated) until she finally said that she wanted a divorce.
When the insanity became overwhelming and I tried to stop it, she filed for divorce. At the time the whole thing destroyed me. Now I see the blessing that it really was. I wish I had seen it then. I could have spared myself a few years of self-destruction and pain.
When he got clean and we had two more kids, I foolishly thought, “If we can get through that, we can get through ANYTHING”. Pure Hubris. This past Friday was youngests 10th birthday. When that child was 5 months old, ex started using again.
I saw that his drug abuse wasn’t ever going to end, that I could have owned the house I rent twice already, and that eventually, he would try to blame his signs for drug abuse on the children when they became teenagers. I didn’t want to be forced into mistrusting my children. I decided playing the game of trying to ‘catch him’ or find proof just didn’t matter anymore. I was done. I stopped speaking to him, and any and all questions were answered with yes, no or I don’t know. It took him two years to figure it out, and that was when I had him served. After I kicked him out Perpetually Unemployed Man found a job within a month.
Ditto, the first time I had told him I wanted a divorce, out came the fishing knife aimed at his own neck, and the tiniest voice in the back of my head whispering the most awful thing.