Cause for me it’s talking. Not talking about feelings. Ick. But fuck companionable silence.
I spent a good chunk of this Sunday morning in bed with my husband discussing various characters and situations of the blockbuster fantasy bricks A Song of Ice and Fire. It made me feel so with him. More than sex, more than walking on a beach or gazing at the stars.
It almost makes me wonder if we invented stories and novels and movies just so we could have something to talk about and thus feel close.
Sooner companionable silence than talking. Any demonstration of an interest in voluntarily wasting time with me (or something that evidences a certain trust), if I accept, feels heartwarming to me. I would think it somewhat beside the point to judge someone (or the relationship with someone) on what they say.
Going through experiences together.
to me, it’s ^this^, without question. Someone I can just sit and “be with”, mindlessly in front of the TV, at dinner, whatever, is a huge plus in my book.
the ability to do both the companionable silence and to have pointless meandering oddball weird conversations and great, deep, meaningful discussions
Generally, it’s touching and cuddling. Talking is fun, but being truly close is when you can not talk, and it doesn’t feel awkward. Though the next best thing is never finding yourself without something to say to each other.
Being able to have silence is a requirement, but in order to reach that, you need to also be able to talk… talk “for real”, talk about things which are interesting to both parties (as opposed to “something which is interesting to one party and the other one nods and ahas out of politeness / desire to please”).
“Talk nerdy to me” always works, but it works specially well when accompanied by periods where we don’t need to talk or won’t talk (don’t talk to me during the movie, nerdy or otherwise).
Someone who doesn’t respect or understand that I need silence is someone to whom I will never be truly close. Communication is great, but music is made of silences as well as of notes; comfortable silence is a form of communication.
Sex and/or playing computer games together. I have a feeling that you would drive me insane (if I were a man or a lesbian, which I’m not, but you get the point).
Ford Prefect had a theory to account for why human beings never stop talking. If they don’t keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.
Romantically? Sex, cuddling, and companionable silence. To my friends? Talking about our feelings (I don’t have to see them all the time) and finding shit to laugh about. I’m honestly not big on discussing most factual topics. I do like reading about them on the internet.
Laughing at others.
Breaking bread together. It sounds trite, I know, but I feel closer to people I’ve shared a meal with. Even a manager I had who I loathed as a manager, I liked as a person because we often ate lunch together.
With a SO? Sex.
With friends? Driving around, typically in the dead of night, sometimes in complete silence. It sharpens you up and gets you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.
(especially when lubricated with large quantities)