I tend to speak only when I have something highly relevant to say. Speech is a tool that is useful to accomplish some task, or to perform work. I detest the thought of running my mouth just for the sake of filling the quiet spots between conversations. If there is nothing that needs to be said, then that (nothing) is exactly what should be said.
But my current relationship partner feels strongly that silence = boredom. If more than a few minutes of silence go by with both of us sitting on the sofa, this is brought to light as a major problem. A problem so serious that it might ruin an otherwise successful relationship.
I, on the other hand, cherrish the silence. Two people should be able to walk 6 blocks to the market without exchanging a word, and not feel that their relationship is in danger because of a momentary loss of verbal communication.
I’ve suggested a compromise, and offer that not every moment can be filled with witty repartee. Currently the ball is in the far court; I wait for it to come back with a decision as to whether or not the occasional periods of abstinence from chatter can be tolerated. But until then I wonder, is it just me?
I will wait patiently, enjoying the quiescence, until such time as the SDMB contingent begins to chime.
You may simply not be compatible–that’s not anyone’s fault, that’s just the way it is.
I love to talk, but my husbnd likes to talk, too. We are very much thought-oriented people, and we enjoy sharing the things we have been thinking about. That said, I talk more than he does, and the compromise we reached was that I am allowed to talk, but he is under no obligation to listen. This seems to work for us.
However, if she looks at not talking as Not Caring and if you look at talking as hopelessly banal, you may want to seriously rethink the relationship. This is a hard thing to resolve.
I thought about this, so I started to put together a pro’s & con’s list. It turned out something like this:
Con Pro
Conversation sometimes lags Everything Else
Really. We’re compatible in almost every important way. Not just in terms of likes & dislikes, but also goals, hopes & dreams. That means it simply a matter of what we think the important things are. If he thinks that an endless stream of chit-chat is the pulse of the relationship, there is nothing I can say to make him think otherwise.
(45 minute pause to collect thoughts)
I reject the notion that not talking=not caring, because it’s quite clear from my actions (details withheld) that I do care. It’s just alien to me that idle chatter has any intrinsic value.
My SO and I are perfectly comfortable with silence. We can happily inhabit the same room for hours on end without feeling the need to break the quietude. We can also go on a pretty walk or hike through the woods without feeling the need to interrupt the gentle sounds of nature with unnecessary chit-chat.
When so inclined, we can also chatter away like a pair of old nags. But we don’t NEED to if we have nothing in particular to say. We don’t talk for the sake of talking.
There’s nothing wrong with being a quiet person and not wanting to talk a lot. Not talking does not mean that you don’t care. Hopefully your SO will understand this and you can work everything out. If it bothers her too much… maybe it’s time to move on and find someone who can handle your silence. I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there who would.
But see, it’s not alien to him, and you have to be ready to acknowledge that that is jjust as legitimate a point of view as yours.
An analogy: what if he thought that sex/affection had no intrinsic value? What if his libido was just set real low and he simply did not honestly see any reason why sex/affection were important in a relationship? What if he tried to make you see, logically, that he was right, and used as proof any number of other people who felt the same way he did?
The SO’s need for conversation is real, and needs to be treated as real–whether or not you can understand it is moot–all that matters is that you accept and believe it.
This can be worked through, just as people with vastly different libidos work through their issues. But it takes a lot or work and an absolute faith on the part of both people that the other person recognizes their needs (yours for silence and his for conversation) as legitimate. I’d suggested using the same example of the libido to your SO, since you also have a real need (for compainonate silence) that your SO needs to accept regardless of whether or not he understands it.
While I am not a chatty guy I would think that there must be something to talk about on a 6 block walk to the market. I would find myself guessing as to what is going on inside the persons brain during long stretches of silence. Heck I talk to myself pretty darn often to break the silence.
Manda JO is right-on. An unmet need over time will kill a relationship.
While I am not a chatty guy I would think that there must be something to talk about on a 6 block walk to the market. I would find myself guessing as to what is going on inside the persons brain during long stretches of silence. Heck I talk to myself pretty darn often to break the silence.
Manda JO is right-on. An unmet need over time will kill a relationship.
I’m a talker. Silence to me means something’s wrong.
My ex was the quiet type. The first day I met her, we spent about five hours hanging out together with friends, and I think she said about three things.
So, the first few dates we had confused the absolute fuck out of me. After a while though, I realized that just because she’s quiet doesn’t mean something’s wrong. I started to enjoy the little quiet moments, the opportunities to just sit there and enjoy being content and happy in her presence and take things in.
About the time I got used to the silence, she dumped me out of the blue. Needless to say, I’m back to feeling silence means there’s something wrong.
