My marriage is close to a year now, while i love everything about my husband and madly love him for everything, i just can’t notice that he is just too uptight sometimes. He can be very quiet sometimes that there is no conversation at all in the evenings some days. While i loved him for the silence before, i just want him to respond to me when I am in a chatty mood. He is so uptight that he would refuse to even acknowledge a casual conversation. I will have to bug him to talk to me and then somehow he will respond.
I end up feeling like it is a one sided conversation sometimes. Its not like you can talk only when you want to talk and shut up for the rest of the time.
So my question is, am i over reacting? He is a quiet person but quiet enough not to respond to a casual conversation?
I can’t tell if you’re overreacting, but yes, many people (like myself), depending on our mood, can find it difficult to sustain a conversation. And I don’t mean a bad or depressed mood necessarily; it may mean relaxed, contemplative, etc.
In fact, a casual conversation may be the most difficult to keep up. Some days, I really, really don’t want to chat about the latest celebrity or political nonsense, but if you engage me on some deeper topic I’m more liable to speak up.
Like most things in a relationship, I’d say that this needs to be something where you meet in the middle. If your husband looks particularly quiet some day and you can hold your tongue, then let him be. Of course, he also needs to make an effort to respond when you show the need to chat. It sounds like you’ve achieved some kind of balance, which is good, but I can’t tell if it’s particularly one-sided or not.
So, short answer is that there’s nothing wrong as long as your husband isn’t blowing you off on a continual basis. He may just be an introvert.
What is his job? I teach junior high, and when I get home I need quiet. I’m also a naturally quiet person, so I don’t talk a lot at home anyway. Neither does my husband, but I don’t remember anymore if we were always that way or if that’s how we have evolved over 38 years.
Get a dog. Dogs love to be talked to. I remember when I was little I had a dog and when I’d have a fight with anyone I’d take the dog outside and explain to him why the other person was being a total jerk and the dog always agreed that I was right and the other person was being totally unreasonable.
I’ve seen enough I Love Lucy to know when the husband is reading the newspaper and the wife sets it on fire, it’s only funny to the viewing audience.
I can tell when he wants to be let alone, because those are days wheni should not even be in the same room. He is not really an introvert, he is so much fun to be with. But he needs his time out at times and that’s when I have keep out.
Getting a dog…not at all a bad idea… I had a parrot when I was a kid, he can repeat the stuff that I say and I used to ask him to talk on my behalf whenver I am angry with anyone in my family.
Eh…he sounds like an introvert. Introverts aren’t always quiet, you know, and it’s a huge mistake to think that introvert=shy too (while most shy people are introverts, plenty of introverts are not shy). I’m an introvert myself, though I’m not sure that all my coworkers realize that because I tend to amuse them. But really, being around people 8 hours a day is tiring, and I do tend to need time to myself to recharge.
Do you have hobbies? Something you could do on your own when he gets quiet, like read a book, watch a movie, or play a video game? Or heck, if you need the interaction, maybe chat with people online or return your mom’s phone call like you’ve been meaning to.
I ask because continuing to try to make someone respond when they’re not up for conversation is only going to achive one end: annoying the shit out of the non-talker. At first people are quiet because they don’t really feel like talking, then it’s because they’re trying really hard not to snap at you because you didn’t take the hint.
You’re a chatty person. He isn’t. Find a happy middle.
Uh, yes it is. You’d hate to be married to me. If something needs to be said, I’ll say it, but aside from that I keep my trap shut. People who talk for the sake of flapping their gums irritate the shit out of me.
Here’s a hint:you’re annoying him as much as he’s annoying you.
What elfkin said. Introvert does not mean shy, or antisocial, or boring, or anything like that. Put simply, introverts recharge by being by themselves, while extroverts recharge by interacting with others. I’m an introvert and while (for instance) I really enjoy parties and going out with others, I need time to myself afterward to unwind.
You might try engaging your husband at the beginning of the day when he hasn’t been around his coworkers for the past 8 hours.
It sounds like your husband is your standard, everyday introvert.
I’m introverted and I can hold my own in a conversation that I care about, but when I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is “chat.” Especially if everyone’s been chatting me up all day long. It’s exhausting even being a listener. Extraverts just have to understand it’s nothing personal against them.
Some things that might help.
Give him AT LEAST an hour of “quiet” time after he walks in the door. If he wants to talk, of course talk to him. But don’t be “chatty” during this time.
Try not to be a mindless chatterbox. Try to engage him in a conversation that you can both enjoy. Let him initiate a conversation. It may be that he doesn’t like the topics you often talk about but is too tired to change the subject and too nice to tell you to shut up.
Do something with him, if you want to enjoy his company. Go for a walk together, cook dinner together, or play a game with him. During these activities, he may open up and start talking. Or he may not because he’s satisfied just being with you.
You aren’t going to be able to break him out of his no-talking ways. This sounds like an engrained habit…and it’s unfortunate that you two are not compatible in this area. But unfairly or not, I think it’s going to be you who’s going to have to adjust. If you’re frequently alone right now during the day, that means you have a lot of pent-up social energy not being used. You need to find another outlet with someone else. A friend perhaps? This may be a temporary situation; once you get a job, you might find that you aren’t so eager to talk that much yourself.
Unless you think he’s ignoring you or being hostile, I wouldn’t take it personally.
Thnkx for the hint, indeed i’ve annyoyed him. Let me ask u this, u r married and ur wife has this thing she wants to tell u and u r not really in a mood to talk about it. So ur wife gets it but she still wants u to have a tenny weeny coversation with u? Does that annoy you?
I have made me peace with the fact that he can be really. Quiet… I knew this when we were dating. But in my present condition I could really use a talking companion. He really does his best. But if the days i want to be chatty are the days he really wants quiet time, thats when the annoying starts.
I can relate to that. It’s hard to go from a situation where you had people to talk to all day every day to the point where you were just talked out sometime to not talking to anybody at all.
When I was working from home, I became almost a hermit and would talk non-stop at my husband when he got home. What really helped was to get out, take a walk, meet people (I joined a lot of networking groups) and find other people to chat with. That way I not only had people to talk to during the day, satisfying my need for contact, I also had networking opportunities to get business and something to talk about at the end of the day. So you might try finding local social and professional groups, especially if you’re looking for work.
I really sympathize, Sangin. I’m an extrovert married to an introvert and for me it’s the biggest problem in our marriage. Like monstro says, I think a lot of the times he’s content to just be in the same house. That’s not enough for me. It’s very frustrating and lonely at times. I’ve worked pretty hard at developing a network of good friends, so I try to get my socializing in at work, over e-mails or phone calls, or during the kids’ playdates. But as a married person, it’s really hard to have a social life without one’s partner, especially when kids are involved. It’s awkward to go out with other couples, and I feel bad about leaving him at home with the kids and housework while I go off to have fun if I do it very often.
