Good thing I go out of my way to NEVER say it out loud. That way I sound smarter than I am. 
I’ve mentioned before, years ago: seeing phase instead of faze. It may be true that nothing phases you, but that’s only because Star Trek technology isn’t a reality yet. The word you’re really looking for is faze.
To answer the puffy paint question
Puffy paint is something that grade schoolers use for art projects and such. They usually come in neon or bright-ass colors in a little squeeze tube. The reason it’s called “Puffy paint” is that it has texture to it, it literally puffs up a little bit once applied.
I heard on the announcements in high school that our drama club was going to put on “Auntie Gone” (Antigone)
My pet peeve is “viola” when the speaker means to type “voila”. It always makes me want to exclaim “cello!” next time I reveal something in a dramatic fashion.
Well my foulmouthed little brother is adamant that the phrase “ARE YOU FING ME?!" can be used to replace "Are you fing kidding me?!”
I was grading a college-level paper when I came across, “it was a blessing in the skies” for “a blessing in disguise”.
I read a post on another, less enlightened message board, in which some one used the phrase “low on a bee hole”.
A few minutes of thought and an examination of the context revealed to me that he really meant “lo and behold”.
I can see this one, albeit in a roundabout sort of way. We tend to up curse-levels for elevated emphasis (i.e. damn->shit->fuck, though it changes person to person), another way to say “are you fucking kidding me?” Is “are you shitting me?” Presumably from “bullshitting.” From that point if you want to add emphasis in the “typical” fashion your brain just says “hey, let’s replace shitting with fucking, that’ll work” and then stuff like that happens.
Anyway, I just had an IM debate about Wednesday vs Wensday, luckily I had dictionaries and the etymology of the day’s name on my side.
My ex used to say “bandit” when he meant “banshee.” As in, “Runs screaming like a bandit.”
I’ve also heard “the hard of the matter” when in fact they meant the “HEART of the matter.”
My most recent–and favorite–example is a text-message from a co-worker. She said she was going to pick up my shift for me, and then typed out “SIKE!!”
It took me several seconds to realize what the hell she meant.
Now it’s a running joke amongst my friends.
Sike? Really???
It’s almost too sad to make fun of.
ALMOST.
My favorite:
“chester drawers” instead of “chest of drawers”
Related: I see “draws” for “drawers” a *lot *-- so much, in fact, that I’m wondering whether it’s an actual regionalism, or something. Does anyone know?
I think that originated as a southern thing, with that thick Texas accent.
I always cringe when I hear the regionalism, “needs fixed.” (Or “needs” followed by any past-tense verb.) I don’t really hear it where I am but I know there are some here who either use it or live in the region where it’s commonly heard. (New England region? I can’t recall.)
Used by both grade schoolers AND sorority types who are old enough to know better.
I once had a high school teacher who tried to enlighten us as to the reason why the saying was “take it for granite”. I think he was joking but it totally whooshed most of the class.
Another teacher at my school (an ENGLISH teacher ferchrissake, but thankfully not mine) taught her students the concept of a story’s de-NOW-ment (denouement). Ugh.
Well, you do draw (pull) the drawer out of the chest. But I don’t think they’ve thought it out that far.
One I actually like is “kitty-corner” for catercorner. Some dictionaries even show it as an acceptable regionalism. It’s cute. Like kitties.
Ouch. I’ve been there. I bit my tongue so incredibly hard when I had to listen to a less-than-stellar colleague go on about a certain “genre” – pronouncing it “John - ruh”.
I wasn’t able to contain myself when the local film buff gas bag spent ten minutes regaling us with his take on the greater performances of Joaquin Phoenix – pronouncing his first name, over and over, as “Joe Quinn”.
Thank you! I hate that.
Let’s see…
For all intensitve porpoises
Irregardless
You reap what you sew
Kiozz as plural for kiosk
Ain’t no
Don’t got no
Fixin’ to
Go ahead and [insert action, such as go]
Try as hard as you can to persuade him to start saying it as “ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!”
Then you can respond: “I wouldn’t shit you; you’re my favorite turd.”
Until now, I’d only ever heard “kitty-corner.” Can anyone else in Sasaktchewan back me up, here?
How would you transliterate your own pronounciation, out of curiosity?
Same here in Ontario, FWIW.