What NOT to do while watching "Passion"

Cafe Society
61

Do not assemble a large claque of atheists, skeptics, SubGenii, Discordians, Merry Pranksters, and generally naughty and high-spirited cutups.

Do not study and rehearse all of the lines, quips, pranks, etc., listed above in this thread.

Do not dress up in period costumes with Pharisees and Romans predominating, go to the movie in a body, get there early, and grab the whole first three or four rows.

Do not laugh, whistle, stamp and cheer every time something painful happens to Jesus.

When Jesus rises from the grave (as I assume he does – haven’t seen the flick), do not start screaming “Ripoff!” and “Nail him up again! Get it right!”

As the other audience members are walking out of the theater in somber, just-got-whacked-on-the-head-with-a-two-by-four, Schindler’s List-quality silence, do not gabble and high-five each other and say things like, “Let’s have a Second Coming and we’ll do Him again!”

Do not repeat the above steps every week so long as the movie is in town.

Do not forget to retain a good lawyer in advance.

62

Get two friends, dress like Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel (or the other guy), and make constant wisecracks ala MST3K.

63

Do not stand up at the end of the movie and scream out “THIS MOVIE IS RACIST! IT PORTRAYS THE DEVIL AS A WHITE WOMAN!”

BTW, we’re all going to hell for this thread, but we’ll be laughing all through the trip. :smiley:

64

During the crucifixion scene, do not yell out “If you’re Jesus and you know it, clap your hands!”

65

Do not sing the Leon Rosselson classic, “Stand Up for Judas” (http://www.mysongbook.de/msb/songs/s/standupf.html):

66

Do not shout out, “Crucifixion’s not such a bad way to go, really.”

Do not sing Whip it! by Devo.

Do not begin performing a gay marriage ceremony.

Do not ask, “Where’s the crack suicide squad of the People’s Front of Judea?”

Do not shout, “When are they gonna make a sequel? I’ve been waiting years for it!”

Do not ask, “How tender do you like your martyr?”

Do not shout, “‘Bob’ loves you, man!” at any point during the film.

Do not shout, “Bringest out thou, the holy handgrenade of Antioch!”

Do not cruise the theater with Jesus Built My Hotrod by Ministry blaring at high volumes.

67

DO NOT act out the crucifix scene from The Exorcist.

Don’t yell out, “Oh, that’s going to leave a mark.”

Don’t say (in a Edward G. Robinson voice). “Where’s your Messiah, now?”

68

Oh yeah, when they’re whipping Jesus, don’t say, “Who’s on top and who’s on bottom now, Jesus?”

Don’t say, “Man, 33 years old and the only piece of ass he get’s is a hunk out of his own. No wonder he’s always pissed off.”

69

After he’s risen from the grave, do not say, “I think they’re leaving room for a sequel.”

70

When Jesus is being mocked, shout “Who’s your Daddy? Who’s your Diety?”

71

Triginta. 29 is undetriginta. When he said thirty and I was right, I shouted “Yes!”.

72

Qui?

73

Another thing not to shout out when they’re whipping Jesus, “The power of Christ compells you.”

74

Have some cartoons!

75

DO NOT shout: “Ah, I love the smell of navel in the morning”

76

isn’t that the prose speech that Dr. Faustus says to conjure up a demon in Marlowe’s
Dr. Faustus ?

77

Yes, sir.

78

When they bring Jesus out to be crucified, do not, do NOT, DO NOT shout:

“Burn him, burn him! He’s a witch! He turned me into a fundie!”

Do not, do NOT, DO NOT have a friend respond to you:

“A witch?”

Do not, do NOT, DO NOT respond after a few seconds “I got better…”

Any tomb shot, do not shout “Bring out yer dead!”

Generally speaking, Monty Python would be a baaaaad thing to quote at any point in time. Especially “Always look on the bright side of life”…

79

I’m such a smart-ass, I have to think God will forgive me for this. After all, He made me, and therefore my sense of humor. Background: this was my second viewing.

While Caiphus is on the donkey during the actual hanging sequence, I thought, “hey look! An ass!!!..And he’s riding a donkey!”

I’m going to Hell for even posting this.

80

Do not say “Try walking on water with those holes” after they nail the feet.

Don’t quote an old Straight Dope column: Truly, he was the Son of God. Time to change the calendar.