My initial reaction to this is, “After 15 years of no contact, she’d have to be completely clueless to not have gotten the message yet.” She’s just fishing for a reaction.
I was estranged from my father when he drank himself to death a year and a half ago, after five (?) years of no contact at all. Do I have regrets about that? Absolutely. Could I have done things better? Probably. Does it keep me awake at night? No. I made the best decisions I could at the time. His lifetime of bad treatment of me, my sisters, and my mom finally reached a point where I wouldn’t tolerate it any longer, and that was that.
(Sorry to hear about your family problems, Gut. It sounds like you handled it as well as you could.)
I’m going to come down on the side of a single response and then ignore anything else she may send. Something along the lines of “You are not forgiven, you will never be forgiven, don’t try to contact me again.”
btw: How did she get your email address? You obviously didn’t give it to her.
I wouldn’t respond. If you wanted to talk to her, you’d contact her, not vice versa. Even one response will only encourage her to fish more - she knows you at least sometimes open your E-mail from her, so maybe she’ll start using subject lines that she thinks will make you want to open the E-mail, or writing stuff like how she’s sure she’s dying and won’t you call so she can make amends, etc., etc.
Responding at all is one thing. I’ve already stated my thoughts on that.
Forgiveness is another thing. The concept of forgiveness is a powerful emotional concept. Being an atheist, I have no moral obligation to forgive. And honestly, I’ve never really considered that there is or was an issue requiring forgiveness. I bear no grudge against him.
As ivylass stated, maintaining hate requires an emotional involvement. I feel the same way about forgiveness.
I don’t care to be emotionally invested to the point that I would be actively holding on to “forgiveness”. That’s a difficult concept to commit to words, but I’m sure you understand what I mean.
There was one distinct and liberating point in time that I decided that I was through with him. I realized that in order to make the emotional break that was necessary, I had to remove a lifetime of emotional baggage from the issue. Both good and bad. And treat the former relationship with as much angst and reflection as I would with a failed business venture. As such, I do not harbour any resentment or bitterness. I don’t think about what might have been. There is nothing to forgive.
That may sound cold and callous, but it is the only way that I was able to rationalize the situation so that I could face the future. And it’s worked.
Thanks, I’m doing just fine though and I think Ivylass is too. I have to agree with many of the other posters. No reply whatsoever. It will simply viewed as an invitation to continue contact no matter what it says.
It’s always sad when I hear or read of family estrangements - I’ve been estranged from my Dad from time to time over the years (too long a story to try to explain), so I can empathsize. It never really got to the point where I didn’t want to ever have anything more to do with him, though, and I’m glad about that. When my Mom was diagnosed with inoperable peritoneal cancer back in 2003, my relationship with my Dad changed quite a bit. He became very attentive to me, and helped me when I was going to visit my Mom as often as I could (he would pick me up at the bus or train station, then drop me off when I was returning home) (My parent divorced back in the late 70s; there was a lot of acrimony, mostly from my Mom.). Dad was even visiting Mom every week - something which I believe irked her, and she kept looking for an ulterior motive on his part; she remained angry with him nearly to the end, unfortunately. But her passing did bring about a change in my relationship with my Dad - one for the better. I get along much better with him now; he also seems to know what aggravates me the most and -usually- it does not come between us any longer. He’s 78, lost the sight in one eye last year, and is getting ready to retire (again!) for the last time, from a part-time position. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m glad that I didn’t do a complete cut-off with him, but there certainly were times through the years when it seemed that would have been for the best. Fortunately for both of us, things did change.
Ivylass, it sounds like your Mom hasn’t changed; I agree with other posters who said if you email back anything, it should be a simple NO. I am, however, so sorry that your relationship with your mother is like it is. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Glad that you have others that can fill the void.
If you reply, even with just a “No”, she will contact you again (and again). Because now (from her point of view) there is a ‘dialogue’.
She will tell herself (and perhaps others) that now you are corresponding, and so there must be a chance that you can get back together. Soon her imagination will run to where you will next meet and what she will wear and say…
I vote for continued silence. And put a block on her e-mails, or better yet report her e-mails as “Junk” if you have that option with your e-mail system.
I’m not a fan of the silent treatment as I think it’s childish and immature. However, in this case, it may be warranted. I can’t imagine missing 15 years of my own child’s life. Pity for all parties involved that an estrangement was the healthiest option.
So I’d take Siam Sam’s advice and ignore her e-mail altogether and then add her e-mail address to my list of blocked senders.
I’m sorry to hear about the estrangement, but I agree with those posters who think your response should be continued silence. Even a single word reply would give your mother some sort of reaction. In the completely impossible event you decided to change your mind, well, you still know how to get in touch.
Thanks, everybody. I have decided the best course of action is to continue to ignore her e-mails. If she is still unclear on how I feel about the situation, well, that’s her problem. As for her wondering if I’m receiving them, I’d set up my work e-mail with an automatic Out of Office response, so she got a boilerplate “I’m out of the office until blah de blah, contact (my boss) at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you need further assistance.”
Projammer, my sister will e-mail me at work, and sometimes if she’s sending a joke or sharing news she’ll include other friends and family, including my mother. Since my work e-mail is firstinitiallastname@placeof work.com, I’m sure she’s been able to figure it out. But it never bothered me that she knew it.
Pundit Lisa, you bring up a very good point. How could a parent let a child just walk away? A true (good) parent would fight like hell to maintain the relationship. Part of her must have wanted things to end, because I know, if I’d received a letter from my son or daughter like the one I sent her, I would have hopped in my car that second and drive over there to hash things out. It may be a knock down, drag out fight, but we would have sorted things out.
I guess the relationship wasn’t that important to her. And that’s okay now. It’s all ancient history, and I have no desire to dredge up past events that have no relevance anymore.
I agree with several others here that you should reply, if only to make it clear that her last and previous emails did not go astray. Otherwise she will continue to send you crap on the assumption (or pretense) that you might not have received what she’s already sent. My suggested email:
I agree with everyone who said to ignore this e-mail, ivylass. You said that you sent your mother a letter 15 years ago that explained why you cut off contact with her. Her latest e-mail doesn’t appear to acknowledge anything you said in your letter. IMHO, she’s just trying to draw you back in. A negative response will just encourage her, since she’s finally getting your attention. If I were you, I’d delete the e-mail without a response and have all future e-mails from your mother sent to trash or junk mail.
Excellent advice, miss elizabeth. I wish more people would learn this. My mother is spending this afternoon with two relatives who she absolutely abhors (too many reasons to go into here without hijacking the thread). She tells me that she has no choice, because they just moved into the neighborhood and they’ll be offended if she doesn’t visit. I asked her last week if she’d spend time with these people if they weren’t blood relatives, and she immediately answered, “hell, no! I can’t stand them!” Yet she continues to see them on a regular basis because, in her eyes, she can’t avoid it without causing hard feelings.
My brother and I have already cut off all contact with these relatives. It should make for an interesting Thanksgiving if my mom invites them over in a fit of guilt. :rolleyes:
I have to wonder about the ultimate wisdom of choosing to totally cut off a member of your immediate family.
When I was growing up my father was a martinet. He was verbally, and sometimes physically, abusive. I can’t recall him ever approving of anything I did. At best he would tell me I could do better and, while not very satisfying, I took that to mean that he had some kind of faith in me. He cheated on my mother and, after I left home, was probably even more abusive w/ my younger sibs.
I never, specifically, cut him out of my life, but for about 25 years, I had very minimal contact w/ him.
A few years before his death, I moved to the city where he lived and saw him fairly regularly. We had a couple of minor confrontations, wherein I established that I wasn’t the little boy cowering in the face of his wrath, but I also still respected him as my father. He even told me that I had done well in a business venture where I had succeeded against heavy odds.
I am so glad that happened. It made both of us better people.
Over the years I had come to understand that he was a product of his upbringing, mostly his mother’s influence and having lived through the great depression, and was doing what he believed was right in preparing his children for the difficulties of life.
I would urge you to, at least, reevaluate you decision, for your sake, as well as your mother’s and the rest of your family.
Ivylass, I’m glad to hear you’re going to ignore what seems to me to be an attempt to go against the wishes you stated back in your FOAD letter. I am saddened to think that you had to do it, but I know it happens.
If there were any indication in her note that she were taking responsibility for the things that made you realize you were better off without her in your life, my reaction might be different. But if she were that self-aware, and able to read other people’s reactions, I doubt it would have come to a FOAD letter in the first place.
You made your decision fifteen years ago, and nothing in this note she sent you makes me think that you have been given a reason to reconsider it.
Actually, I believe a good parent would let their kid do what is best for them. They would put some effort into ascertaining that complete estrangement is what is best. They would make it clear that the door is always open, that they will always be welcome back with open arms, then they would let them go.
But her passing did bring about a change in my relationship with my Dad - one for the better. I get along much better with him now; he also seems to know what aggravates me the most and -usually- it does not come between us any longer. He’s 78, lost the sight in one eye last year, and is getting ready to retire (again!) for the last time, from a part-time position. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m glad that I didn’t do a complete cut-off with him, but there certainly were times through the years when it seemed that would have been for the best. Fortunately for both of us, things did change.