I feel the need to respond to this. I am glad you made the right choice with your father, and benefited from it.
I also understand that both of my parents are a product of their upbringing. I don’t blame them for who they became. However, my young child, my husband, my friends, my health, my career, my home - all these things deserve and need my attention. I have nothing left over to offer two profoundly mentally ill parents who cannot/will not see their own failings, and hence still try to be abusive. Not to mention my young child deserves to grow up without their influence.
I will spare you the gory details, but I am far better off with no parents at all, than with them. And sadly, the same is true for a lot of other people too.
Personally, it is how I’m handling a certain toxic-sibling as well. Her last attempt at me was a cell phone voicemail with bait about one of her daughters (my niece) getting married.
Even if it was true (and hateful lies flow out of her like water through Hoover Dam) its the niece’s wedding. If she wanted me to know, she’d have let me know. Possibly by invitation, but given its her day (and she has to be paying for it, as her parents are incapable of saving money) that’s up to her. More likely, it was just an attempt to pour hate/guilt/assorted toxic goodness on me, and I’ll have none of it.
Look, if “fuck-off, no I won’t help you steal/sue family, I really don’t care what you think, and no, you can’t borrow money” worked, I’d have used that.
But it doesn’t.
Silence, blocking phone numbers and email addresses does.
I sympathize with you, ivylass. I’ve had issues with my own family for a while (I’m not going into details on this board), which included me sending several emails to my brother over the course of a year, of which the only one that got a response was the one that was copied to the rest of the family. (It was a congratulatory note for him landing a job.) So I have zero idea if he so much as read anything else I sent. (Ironically, most of the ignored emails were attempts to get him to say something, anything, about what his issue against me might be.)
So I side with the suggestions to acknowledge the email from your mother, somewhat along these lines:
“I received your email of <date>. I want to never hear from you again.”
I think you should only respond if you think you might want to reestablish contact. Anything you say at all will encourage more communication, good or bad.
Sorry to hear about your family problems. God knows I’ve have my share of them.
I blocked my brother’s email account so I have no idea if he is still up to his old tricks.
I don’t respnd well to threats and getting one like what your mother did would further increase my resolve to put her out of my life, if I were in your shoes.
It was weird, I was fretting over it, even though I knew I wasn’t going to reply. Once I did the actual action of deletion, it was like “Whew.” Out of sight, out of mind.
The whole set-up was a no-win.
If you replied, even in the negative, you’d be in the dialog, as others have said.
But no reply is an absence of the ‘no.’ - therefore she doesn’t have to accept that it’s a done deal.
Bouncing any further emails back to her without reply may get the message across more effectively and at least you don’t have to deal with her, not even enough to hit delete.
Because the ultimatum one got through and the rest won’t, it’ll be (well, hopefully) obvious that the blocking is in response to her message.
Well, today I got another e-mail from her. It was basically the same as what was in my OP, only she added a deadline! I am to respond in (7) seven days or she will assume the first sentence is true.
Yes, she actually typed out (7) seven.
I have now blocked her e-mail address. I’ve also fired off an e-mail to my sister…my dad’s SO (I forwarded the e-mail along, basically so they can enjoy it too) thinks my sister put her up to it.
It just stuns me. If you’re trying to reconcile with someone, wouldn’t an apology or an expression of regret be in order? Perhaps a thought that bygones should be bygones?
Instead, I get demands for my “intentions” and a deadline. I’m more convinced than ever I made the right decision.
I was joking with Ivylad that maybe she’s redoing her will, and needs to prove to the attorney that I wish no contact with her so she can cut me out of her estate.
I agree completely. I cannot fathom how a “You don’t want to talk to me, but if you mean it you can’t go back on that decision” note could ever get a positive response, even in someone’s imagination.
Either some kind of apology, or at least a “I miss you, and want to talk to you again,” note, and my advice would be different. The crap she has sent you? Blocking the email seems the mildest response, and likely the right one.
(I’d be tempted, in your shoes, to tell your sister to stop trying to rebuild that bridge, or else. Not saying I’d do it, but definately tempted.)
Ah, perfect! In (7) seven days, her answer will be crystal clear. Fifteen years… and seven days. Huh. If that’s what it takes.
I don’t mean to make too light of it, ivylass; while I’ve not cut immediate family members off, I’ve cut many extended family members and simply poison people out of my life. It’s hard at first, but as time goes by, it gets easier, as you yourself know. Over time, they aren’t worth the energy to care about any longer. But it is always a bit jarring when they keep trying to reach you with their long, icy cold fingers pricking at your heart, trying to stir up emotions that should have long been left dead.
No worries. I’m actually finding the whole thing rather amusing. I guess the first 15 years weren’t enough time for me to make up my mind, but by God, I better do it in the next (7) seven days…or else!
I have not had any contact with my father for around 19 years. Except for once. I was back home, living with my mother and brother while going to school. The phone rang, I answered and every fight/flight response kicked in. It was him.
I made it very, very clear to my brother that our father had fucked the right to know anything about me out of me a long time ago and that as long as the sleazy son of a bitch was alive, he was to not be told a damn thing about me, whether I’m alive or dead, it is none of his damn business, and if he ever, EVER gave him a phone number where I lived, he would be immediately put on the same mental island as our father. That was about 16 years ago. I was contacted two months ago by my fathers family to find out if my name had changed because they wanted to put me in my Grandmother’s obituary. I’ve been married for 7 years. They don’t know who I am or where I live.
Sorry for being so verbose. But cut off is cut off. Your sister needs to toe the line. It is highly disrespectful for her to give any information about you to anyone you don’t want it given to.
My sister said she has told our mother I want nothing to do with her. She seems to think this some sort of attempt at reconciliation. I pointed out demands and deadlines are hardly the way to go about it.
Not to disappoint any of you, but I did send her a reply after this second e-mail. It was:
“I said everything I had to say in the letter I mailed you 15 years ago. Please do not contact me again.”
Short and sweet, polite, points out I have considered the matter closed since my letter. Now her e-mail is blocked. Onwards and upwards!
