What phrases have you picked up from the Master

My neighbor uses carmex alot. I tell her she has that “carmex monkey on her back.”

How about you? Pick up any gems from Unca Cece?

You betcha, gumdrop.


Oh, I should specify. Two, off the top of my head, which I alter to fit the situation and try to worm into everyday conversation:

“Research scientists do not normally watch the cartoons, which are not regarded as a reliable source of medical insight.”
– (from the “Going Under Three Times” column.)

“Persons who are assholes, such as yourself, are not permitted to participate.”
– (from the classic “Electric Chair” column, still my first choice to press on people who have not yet encountered Cecil.)

These are, of course, paraphrases. Thenk yew, thenk yew very much.


I like using the word “untoward”.

“If ignorance was cornflakes, you’d be General Mills.”

Yer pal,

By the way, does Cap’n Crunch report to General Mills, or are they both subjects of King Vitamin?

Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

“That’s so ironic it’s an instant cure for pernicious anemia.”

“People nowadays have the historical awareness of squirrels.”

" You cannot park a Cadillac in a closet!"
-----from the first Straight Dope book, regarding why a roommate could NOT be having sex with his cat…


" If you want to kiss the sky, you’d better learn how to kneel ".

“General Mills does not make cornflakes.”

I am aware of that, Nick. Blame your boss…

I delight in using “Yahweh” as a substitute where most folks would use “God”. Just used it a few minutes ago, in fact, in another thread. Doesn’t work with every phrase, however. “Ye Yawehs” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Ye Gods”. But try using “I swear to Yaweh” in place of the more mundane choice, particularly in a business meeting when someone is pissing you off. You willcommand attention, I assure you.

Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.

-Tom Waits

Blasted coding. You will command…

Yaweh help us!

Yaweh Maria!

“Quit groveling, we just had the floors done.”
Used every time the front office mgr wants me to cover for the worthless slackers she hired.

I’ll be there
Where I’ll teach what I’ve been taught
And I’ve been taught…

I use the “if ignorance was cornflakes” statement a lot, too. Especially now that I’ve got a government job.

I also paraphrase it, and point it at myself, when I’ve done something particularly ignorant–“Well whaddaya know. Ignorance is cornflakes, and I just got a job at General Mills.”

I am not in the habit of admitting I am wrong because I am not in the habit of BEING wrong.

Quiet, rodent.

My personal favorite, altered according to circumstances: ______ does for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks.


Full of 'satiable curtiosity

I call my brother “rodent” all the time.

I have memorized the “Dungeons & Dragons” column and recite it whenever someone proposes the game. I put special emphasis on the phrases “(if female) possessed of large, grapefruit-like breasts”; “requires constant mathematical finagling that would constipate Einstein”; and “combines the fun of double-entry bookkeeping with the charm of a Pentagon briefing.”

When someone asks me a bizarre or dimwitted question, I like to go: “Question. Do all mammals have tongues? Answer: Yes.”