Has anyone mentioned starting a religion yet?
Well, since all my other ideas were taken, how about a star registry service? $55 to print off a piece of paper showing you named an insignificant star? Why not?
I’ve had one great scam idea for years. It’s not exactly starting a new religion, but it’s close. Probably better described as starting a new “science.”
As in pseudo…
It has occurred to me that it’s likely that some of the many true-believers in astrology have a discontent about their natal charts, and the effect it has on their fundamental personality traits and general life-path.
So… why not fix all that? 
I’ll use a spoiler box just in case someone reading this may have a unique idea, but perhaps hastily read my own, short-circuiting their own creative ending to what I have proposed as the neglected consumer need.
[spoiler]I simply solicit for these people to try my dynamic new idea! Then I say, step into my parlor… and the main part of the process they undergo is to be “rephotographed” with an arrangement of “planets” (including sun and moon) and perhaps background stars… sort of my own miniature planetarium. This “resetting” process would naturally require an extensive preliminary interviewing process, both to get data for an online astrology chart and to determine which traits and life path patterns they would like to change.
(I may add to the true-believer appeal with such important items as crystals, pyramids, and perhaps guided meditation.)
Of course, I can absolutely guarantee that some changes will occur after they step out of my lair and resume life. Some of them may actually be positive. 
[/spoiler]
I was going to post that! Brilliant idea from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (put in a spoiler tag for X-Rated language) In the movie, our heroes decide against that, seeing as how they need to make money fast in just couple of days. But this would really work!
Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er… I dunno, “does what no other dildo can do until now”, latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie’s Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn’t get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!
Man, what a douche.
Still, this isn’t really limited to ignorant tribespeople from Malaysia. The sadly popular film What the Bleep Do We Know? features exactly this kind of nonsense. Somehow, playing classical music next to a jug of water changes its molecular properties to make you more peaceful or something.
Also, check out the “living water vortex jug:” http://www.schauberger.co.uk/vortexjug.shtml
Oooh, Danish research? Quantum energy? Tell me more!
I think it’d be kinda fun to come up with a more “rigorous” astrology. Suckers will always exist, but these days people are a little more suspicious. As shown with movies like What the Bleep, for many people you need to hook them in with real science, and then you can lay on the nonsense.
So first off, influence of a planetary body follows an inverse square law, but is also proportional to mass. So Jupiter may have more influence than Mars even though it is farther away, because it’s much more massive. Therefore, Jupiter being in a constellation will have more significance than Mars.
As for the constellations themselves, the position within the constellation, the angular size of the constellation, the combined mass of the stars of the constellation, the velocities of the stars within the constellation…all of these parameters will be put into made-up equations to determine one’s horoscope. Don’t you think a visit to your local astrologer would feel more legit if the office had chalkboards full of equations?
Thanks for the feedback. I suppose that a “thinking man’s” astrology makes some sense as attracting a certain segment.
I’ll have to check out What the Bleep Do We Know?. What other movies are relevant here?
I would argue that gigolo is far from a cushy job. I would think the clientele would primarily consist of dowagers.
:dubious:
Still think “cushy”?
I’d rip off old people. They’re very easily ripped off.
Any number of scams would work.
I wouldn’t call this one a scam though, since you are giving the customer exactly what they wanted, and paid for! 
I might go with the diet pill scam. Something with just enough caffeine in it to make you feel like it’s doing something. And I’d call it all-natural, those are good buzzwords, and I can easily make all natural pills so I’m not lying about that part.
I’d sell something like the rock that protects Homer from bears on the Simpsons. I’d put in big letters something to the effect of “This doesn’t work,” and market the shit out of it. I’d have no qualms parting stupid people from their money.
Okay, I’ve got one, for if I were a really terrible person…
Start a cult. Same as before, right?
Except it would be an apocalyptic, suicidal cult. But I’d tailor it to appeal to groups I didn’t like.
If I include a strong “secular” element, I’d probably be able to draw in a lot more people than I would with chanting and robes alone.
And then, when I’ve got everyone all riled up—oh! Day of reckoning! Time to break out the flavoraid and the ghats!
I, of course, will be busy with my own affairs of the faithful. Mostly involving kicking up my heels by the pool at a Hilton in a country without an extradition treaty. Counting my tithe money.
Now that’s “terrible,” sez I.
Actually, I could sell almost anything to my Uncle John, if it weren’t for the fact al his money has been stolen already by other fraudsters.
Right now hes into “Miracle Mineral Solution,” which is, as near as I can tell, diluted bleach.
If I was a terrible person, I’d visit an unsuspecting message board and boast of a new word problem I’d recently encountered and solved:
14 k of g in an f p d
Thankfully, I’m not a terrible person, so this could never happen.
It would definitely be something aimed at audiophiles. Maybe some kind of aftermarket $1200/yard speaker enclosure cloth that “increases the definition of the soundstage and enhances transparency” or something like that.
The other thing I always wanted to do as an experiment was a simple ad in one of the lower-end tabloids that just read “HURRY! Time is running out! Send $1 to (address). Don’t miss out!”, without promising or offering any product or service, and see just what kid of response I’d get. Maybe publish it in Spanish too, and compare.
I wonder if old-timey comic book-style promotions like cardboard submarines and the like would be feasible today.
Oxygenation!
A few weeks ago I was reading a skymall magazine while on a plane ride. They were advertising an ‘oxygenating water pitcher’ which was a pitcher with what was probably a $5 aquarium pump that spat bubbles up from the bottom. And they were hocking this for $250.00! :eek:
It occurred to me that you could use this principle on lots of things
Fruit Oxygenator. Simply insert the nozzle into the fruit, turn the device on, and let it run for 1 minute. Its that easy! The mushy brown texture tells you its working!
Plant Oxygen Revatilization system- Revitalizes plants by infusing oxygen into them, produced by the plant itself! We all know how good oxygen is for us, imagine how much your plant likes getting bathed in the oxygen it itself produces!
Oxy-Magna Healing Enchancer- We all know how magnets contain incredible healing properties. But did you know that with the incredible power of Oxygen**cue wooooshing foley effect for the infomercial can enhance the healing power of magnets by up to FOUR TIMES?! That’s right! Simply install the easy-to-use Oxy-Magna Healing Enhancer on any magnetic jewelry, activate for several hours, and viola! Up to six hours of enchanced magnetic healing properties!
All these products are basically the same gadget- a $5.00 aquarium pump with a deliberately klunky A/C adapter (because something that plugs into a wall is going to be seen as more ‘powerful’, also allows you to later sell the ‘portable’ battery-powered model ;). Cheap leaky plastic tubing connects to some chinzy little nozzle which then emits a faint puff of air. Clamps allow you to attach it to your plant/cat/healing magnets. Then you sell it for a hundred bucks a pop
Pop-up ads.
Yeah, of course you can disable them, but a box will appear demanding you re-enable pop-ups or it’ll piss all over your hard drive.
Then, when you laugh sardonically and close the box, it really does piss all over your hard drive. Because it can.
Early pregnancy gender testing. 100% money back guarantee if I get it wrong.
That ‘name a star’ scam seems pretty good too.
Wait, is this something that can actually be done? I’ll be the first to admit that the inner workings computers are a closed book to me, but if I tell Firefox to block pop-ups, can my hard drive be fucked with somehow?
Rookie!
My new solar oxygen generation system liberates the oxygen from regular water using the power of the sun. “Green oxygen”, what could be better!
small solar powered electrolysis unit, maybe $20 in materials, sell for hundreds.
Honestly? I have no fucking idea. I sure hope not.
The Terrible part of my Terrible Scam is that it involves a kind of imagined consent, often found in the moral calculus of psychopaths. Tell my popup to get lost? Surprise, you’ve just pissed up your hard drive, and because you wouldn’t follow the popup, it’s your responsibility. Not mine for plotting random destruction. Only yours, for doing something an innocent person would be very likely to do.
AM I NOT A GENIUS? AM I NOT FAR ABOVE ALL YOU PATHETIC SHEEPLE??? YOU DESERVED THIS!!! ALL OF YOU BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA