I do not think you are wrong, if I meet an attractive person who is perpetually single despite wanting a relationship, that signals a red flag to me. But to me red flags are not the same as the person being a disagreeable person. Some people who have a lot to offer are single because they are abusive, disrespectful, entitled, mean, etc. But I think a lot of them are also just shy, awkward, hurt, etc. I’ve met attractive people who have relationship problems because they are mean or crazy, but I’ve also met attractive people who have relationship problems who are perfectly decent people, they are just awkward, damaged or introverted. By damaged I mean bad things have happened to them that give them issues with intimacy and trust. The ones I know like that are good people, they just can’t get close to people.
This isn’t a merely annoying personality quirk. They are telling you that they believe that what they want is more important than your right to make decisions regarding your own boundaries. They are showing blatant disrespect for your autonomy.
By definition, yes, they are. They heard your decision, and they disregarded it.
If they don’t respect No on little things, consider what other kinds of Nos they don’t respect. The behavior reveals a toxic attitude, and THAT is the problem. And there you see why this is a huge fucking problem and not something we should tolerate or handwave away. “Oh, they’re just like that” is both lazy and gives these people the excuse / social approbation they need to never consider that they should maybe try respecting other people.
Sure, people will say “boys will be boys” when kids pull little girls’ pigtails on the playground. That doesn’t make it an appropriate response, or a good message to convey.
You can google the stats on how often men interrupt women, and how much more men will speak in any group conversation than women do. “Studies show that men dominate 75% of conversations in decision-making groups; and when women are talking, they are more likely to be interrupted.” And yes, they frequently have no idea how much they are talking over / shouting down women, perceiving women as talking more than men when women talk only 30% of the time. They can try to place themselves at the center of the universe if they want ("but you interrupted me!!!") but that does NOT mean I have to accommodate them.
Yeah, they’re going to have to adjust to having to share things – you know, like we were taught in kindergarden. Awwww.
Stop making excuses for bad behavior. No one has an incentive to grow up if they are constantly molly-coddled by society and the people around them. Bottom line, even good guys slip into this on occasion, but they won’t notice or learn if no one calls them out on it. And then their reaction to being called out will tell you everything you need to know about them.
Same. Say what you mean, because I won’t be playing your game.
So being afraid of dogs – because I was almost dinner for a pack of feral dogs – makes me a bad person? Is each of the 4.5 million people bitten by dogs per year in the US suspicious? After all, at least one dog expressed dislike of them.
And lemme guess - the girlfriends were all half his age? Yet another red flag.
Moriarty specifically excluded people who are fearful of dogs from this assessment.
I am afraid of some dogs, particularly the ones running around without leashes when I’m hiking or at the park. Barking dogs frighten me because I don’t know the difference between a friendly bark and an ‘‘I’m about to attack’’ bark. I hate how casual the owners act when their leashless dogs bark and run toward me. I was on a walk once and someone’s puppy started chasing me down the street, barking aggressively and circling me all down the road. The neighbors laughed at my fear because it was only a small breed puppy, but those suckers can be vicious. As long as a dog is not barking I’m not afraid.
Maybe the fact that a big dog tried to bite my face off when I was toddler influences my fear. Regardless, I like most dogs. But I love cats.
I had an international student friend from Taiwan who was terrified of my cat, which is absurd because my cat is the least threatening creature who has ever existed. When she saw it, she screamed, which prompted my cat to run in terror. I think it was cultural, she didn’t really distinguish cats from dogs and had a bad experience with a dog once.
But my cat? A threat? I’m sure that’s how dog owners feel when I’m afraid of their dog. And I think it is natural human tendency to want to reassure people they shouldn’t be afraid of a harmless thing they love. I kept my cat in the bedroom when she came over but a huge part of me wanted to just scoop him into my arms and be like, ‘‘This is a giant furry pile of loving mush, not a threat! Love my cat!’’
She was a great person. People just have weird animal issues. My husband is not overly fond of animals, either. It boggles my mind but he is one of the most compassionate humans I know. Even with his dislike of animals, he is sensitive to their needs as sentient creatures.
My ‘‘tells’’ come down to basic human empathy. Waitstaff, sure, I was a waitress once so that’s a particularly sensitive one for me. But in general, I’m interested in how people treat others they have absolutely nothing to gain from. That’s what attracted me about my husband, he treats everyone with this basic compassion regardless of what he has to gain from it. I’d like to think I’m the same way.
I also have a really big peeve for people who will ask you how you’re doing just so they can launch into a tirade about their own problems. If you need to get something off your chest, don’t fake interest in my life first, just admit you need to get something off your chest and I’ll be there to listen. But if every time you interact with me it’s to talk solely about yourself, I won’t take that well.
Then there are the one-uppers. People who have the need to classify categories of pain and respond to every story with ‘‘you think that’s bad…’’ tend to lack empathy.
While I have no problem with dogs, I don’t think not liking them is a sign of poor character. They often smell, they have dog breath, they often stick their nose in a person’s anatomy or lick you, and more than a few jump on people or damage property. You can talk about well-trained dogs not doing all or some of this, but plenty of dogs aren’t well-trained. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to be around animals, or dogs in particular. Sure, I judge someone who does harm to animals, but just not liking them - different tastes.
+1.
Although I’m a cat owner, I get along fine with dogs. When my cousin and his wife roomed with me for a couple years, I happily shared in the care of their well-behaved collie and husky.
But I have a close family member who’s never exercised any control over his dogs. He’s also a bit of a recluse, so the dogs always get spooked at family gatherings at his place, barking non-stop and slobbering over everyone but him and his wife. The rest of us all dread it, and bring towels and hand sanitizer.
And speaking of harming (or speaking approvingly of harming) animals: it always amazes me that people who do this with cats often love dogs, and are aghast at people who would harm them.
FWIW, I can’t remember ever encountering the reverse (a cat lover who says he’d like to harm dogs).
[QUOTE=Kaio]
You can google the stats on how often men interrupt women, and how much more men will speak in any group conversation than women do. “Studies show that men dominate 75% of conversations in decision-making groups; and when women are talking, they are more likely to be interrupted.” And yes, they frequently have no idea how much they are talking over / shouting down women, perceiving women as talking more than men when women talk only 30% of the time. They can try to place themselves at the center of the universe if they want (“but you interrupted me!!!”) but that does NOT mean I have to accommodate them.
[/QUOTE]
This stat fascinates me, because I’m used to getting interrupted by men all the time, including my own husband, who respects me immensely. He is simply unaware he is interrupting until I point it out. I recently joined a writer’s group that is predominantly composed of men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, and I take a more active role in speaking in that group than I do in any group I’ve ever participated in, to the point that it makes me feel like I’m dominating TOO MUCH. But every time I check in afterward they saw nothing unusual or inappropriate about my behavior. I post-facto apologized to one of them for interrupting him during our meeting and he was like, ‘‘Oh, I didn’t even notice. That’s just having a conversation.’’ It’s interesting how self-conscious I feel effectively claiming my own space in the group dynamic. It’s almost like the first time I’ve ever felt heard and to these guys it’s just business as usual.
I don’t like (pet) dogs. At all. Not only do they attack people and other animals, they are a huge drain on resources. I don’t love cats either, except for their ability to catch mice.
Yet I’m a vegetarian and probably cause much less animal suffering than the average dog lover. I don’t judge people who eat meat but those who wax poetic about loving animals and then eat factory-farmed meat give me pause.
People who use charm and/or guilt to try to get you to do something you don’t want to do.
Can you drive me to the airport? My plane leaves at 1, so I have to be there by noon.
I’m sorry, I promised Mary I’d help her set up her noon brunch.
Normal response: Can you get me there by 10? That will leave you time, and I can hang out at the airport.
Charmer: Oh, come on. I’ve done lots of things for you, and Mary won’t mind if you’re late.
Guilter: Why are you always helping Mary? Don’t you know she’s a drug dealer? I need your help more than she does.
“S/he has a strong personality”
“S/he has a heart of gold”
Granted these are statements by others about the person in question and the second is very much from personal experience but both set off warning sirens in my head when I hear them.
Seems to me the normal response is: “Okay, I’ll ask Joe,” or “I’ll take a cab.” If your friend wanted to get you there at 10 instead, they’d have offered that alternative. I’d have considered Normal, Charmer, and Guilter’s responses to all be somewhat rude.
But that’s why I don’t agree with majority of these little tells, because it’s difficult to determine who’s a good or bad person based on one small thing. Normal, Charmer, and Guilter are all potential good, mildly flawed, people.
If Charmer has bodies in his basement, then we can talk.
That’s not what Yarster said, though. Apparently either he doesn’t realize that some people do not want romantic relationships or it’s his assumption that anybody who doesn’t want a romantic relationship is broken.
Reminds me of that notion that a child of about seven who doesn’t answer “who do you love best, your mommy or your daddy?” by naming the parent of the opposite gender indicates a dysfunctional family.
This was my first reaction to this thread. I find it hard to believe that someone would be judged based on some of the random criteria people throw around. Case in point:
Anyone who claims they can understand a person based on pseudoscientific gibberish such as this is not the kind of person I want to associate with. The actual research indicates that clothing choice has much to do with things like culture and the weather and basically nothing to do with what a person’s innermost character is like.
Most of the advice here seems to be centered on a single point, which is whether the person demonstrates consideration for others. Not sure there is any single behavior that can definitively diagnose this, but I would say the smaller and more petty your criteria, the less attractive and more judgmental you appear.
Nice ?
A nice person or one that comes across as real nice are the ones to watchout for, as I have found out with over 40years experience in business working renovating their homes.
A decent human being ? well that could take years to truly find out, but a indecent one will not take long.
Most people are in the ok range.
I have know people who come across as real pricks that turned out to be great people once you got to know them.
Not to mention the ones that were even more of a prick that what you thought in the first place.
People who overly love animals like dogs they call their children and go on about them like saying my darling Roy-al they are the worst people to deal with, as they can not relate with human beings, because they are total nut cases.:smack:
On the other hand, I had a department chair who kept a couple of beautiful Cocker Spaniels. She said they were her children, but they lived in a pen outside 24/7. Cocker Spaniels are not meant to live outside. They are meant to be petted and cuddled. I lost a lot of respect for her when I found this out.
People who can barely organize their ideas and are constantly fishing for your approval and/or your opinion by ending a paragraph with, “Thoughts…?”
Major Red Flag.