What the fuck do you want me to say? I'm going to hate the kid?

The BBQ Pit
1

Argh. Last week, we found out that my brother and his wife are expecting their first child. It’s also the first grandchild for my parents.

I will admit, that for ONE NIGHT after we found out, while I was absolutely happy for them, I did cry out of disappointment to my husband - I’m eager to be a mom, and we’re not getting started until September, and being the oldest in the family who has done everything last (as in getting married and buying a house), I really wanted to have the first grandchild. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t a selfish feeling - it was. And I fully admit that. Part of it was also just the fact that I’m really ready to be a mom, and it’s hard to watch friends and family getting pregnant left and right while my husband’s not quite ready. But by the next day, I was over my disappointment, and I was excited as hell. It gives me the opportunity to shop for baby clothes without scaring my husband, start my niece or nephew’s book collection, and hell, when we have our own in a year or so, hand-me-downs! So yes, I am thrilled to meet my niece or nephew in October.

Apparently, my mom grilled my husband today while I was out running errands. He called them to let them know something else, and she spent a few minutes grilling him about whether or not I was upset about the baby, because apparently, everyone in the family thought I would be. My husband finally said he had to cut her off because he was about to get pissed - he wasn’t exactly going to tell my family that yes, I spent a half hour in tears because of it. He just told my mother that I’m fine with it - which yes, I am NOW.

Christ, aren’t I allowed to be human? And why the hell is EVERYONE waiting for me to burst into tears in front of the family? I mean, for fuck’s sake, I’ve never been anything but supportive to my brother and his wife, as well as the rest of my family. I’ve never been the type to get upset with someone because “I didn’t get to do it first”. I will adore my niece or nephew as much as I would have if my own child were first. I may get upset momentarily, but never in public with my family - I would never, ever want my brother to feel like I wasn’t thrilled about his baby. My brother and I are fairly close and I’d never want to hurt him like that.

I’m just really annoyed right now. I’d like my mother to knock it off. And by the way, next time, she can ask ME instead of grilling my poor husband.

E.

2

When someone in your family asks a nosey question, maybe you and your husband need to have a stock response handy – something like Why would you ask such a thing?

Have fun practicing with the new baby in the family and looking forward to one of your own. As a grandmother I can promise you that each baby is irreplaceable and special and that there is plenty of love to go around!

3

If she’d asked me, I would have said “Well, actually, I figured I’d sell the kid on the black market as soon as it arrives. Don’t tell Mark and Kate - wouldn’t want them to catch on!”.

(I learned that dodging the question tactic from my dad - gotta love him.)

Mr. e hasn’t quite learned how to deal with my mom yet - I think she makes him nervous. He just kind of sits there and gives her yes or no answers. But my mom also likes to push - so I get the feeling he told her I was fine from the beginning, and she kept pushing to see if she could get a different answer from him.

My dad and I did have a talk - we didn’t even mention that I was upset, but he knows what I’m feeling most of the time anyway - he made me feel better without even mentioning the issue, so I know he’s going to be great. Every kid’s going to be spoiled rotten - so I’m not really worried:).

E.

4

I’m not sure I get what you’re saying here.

Wasn’t your Mom calling becasus she was concerned for you?

Or by “Grilling him” do you mean she was implying that you need to get over yourself or something else pejorative like that?

I think you acted like a perfectly normal human being if you ask me.

5

She just kept going on and on about it to him - he said she acted like she wanted him to tell her I was severely depressed over it or something.

I’m not sure what she wanted out of it. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t tell me to get over myself, but I’ve learned that where my sister-in-law is concerned, it’s better just to keep my mouth shut about things. Much of what I say can be taken wrong by her or out of context, and I just don’t feel like dealing with the aftermath.

And the truth is, I am totally fine with it. I’m thrilled to have a newborn to play with (two, actually, since my cousin’s wife is due a month before my brother’s wife). It’ll be a blast.

I just get annoyed that my mother doesn’t bother to ask me, and instead goes to my husband about it. She doesn’t usually pull that shit, but I guess she was somewhat concerned. She just has a weird way of showing it.

E.

6

There are levels of wrong here…

You are entitled to your feelings and they are just feelings. Your mom should stay out of your feelings, IMO.

Speaking as a youngest child and daughter, and the only one to have kids out of 5 siblings, I had my oldest sister (and the oldest child) say TO MY FACE that “I (meaning her) should be having the first baby, not you. I’m the eldest.”

I so wanted to tell her–“by God, you are right! Let me call the abortion clinic right now!”

But I didn’t. Instead, she spun out big time into a vortex of jealousy and acting out for the next, oh, 10 years. It was truly bizarre–especially the part when she tried to equate my kids with her dogs. (whatever) Then she realized that her niece and nephews didn’t even know her, and she is trying to make up for lost time. She has no children, is not married and is approaching 50–doubt she ever will. My POV is that having or not having kids is a choice (for most people) and it is not a competition.

So, we have had a constrained relationship for over a decade. My sincere hope is that this does not happen to you guys.

Babies do strange things to people, but none of it is their fault. Your mom needs to not treat you like a potential mental case, but other than that, I think you and the baby etc will get along fine. Just shopping for baby clothes is fun!

7

It won’t happen - believe me. I am extremely excited for my brother and sister-in-law - this won’t affect our relationship at all. Honestly - the only person in my life who knows how I felt was my husband - because he’s the one that I cried on for a few minutes.

But that’s over now. I’m excited because my kid, whenever he or she chooses to make an appearance, will already have a cousin. Since we’ve been talking about moving back to my hometown in a couple of years, it’ll be nice for our kids to have ready-made playmates.

I definitely don’t feel like it’s a matter of me ‘deserving’ to have the first kid, you know? It was more like wishful thinking. I do know that my kid will be spoiled rotten by my dad, so I’m not too worried about that;).

It’s all good.

E.

8

By the way, Eleanor - would you mind dropping me an email? I know you’re a nurse - I’d like to ask you a question. My email’s in my profile. I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

E.

9

It’s not like your mom called your husband. He called her and while on the phone, she asked. You can’t blame them too much for worrying about your reaction. It sounds like you reacted to the news pretty much the way they thought. I’m sure your family will realize that you’re fine with it once they see how excited you are about your niece/nephew.

10

Ugh, I understand completely. I wanted to be the first grandchild (dad’s side) to get married. I was so close, too, but then… whatever, I never did get married (happy to say), but I definitely understand the feeling.

I don’t have much to say about your mom. She’s a mom, y’know? Not much you can do about that.