I can certainly sympathise with you here, Rachelle…I’m 5’10" and 105 lbs (or 1.8 metres and 48 kg for you metric people). I used to be extremely self-conscious about it, but I’ve gotten much better at overcoming it. I still get annoyed when people try to make it into a big conversation topic, like so:
person walks up
Person: Did you know you’re really thin? Mewhile resisting urge to say something nasty: Yes. Person: how are you so thin? Are you, like, anorexic? Do you eat red meat? Me: No and no. (These conversations usually take place at lunch while I’m sitting at the table with bags spread all over, and I’m oftentimes eating something during the discussion.) Person: Wow. You’re a freak. Me: Thanks.
The jocks (I’m in high school) also rather enjoy just grabbing either my upper arm or wrist without warning, noting that their biceps/wrist is about 6 times bigger, giving me a really weird look, and then laughing at me and trying to get others to join in.
Rachelle: I don’t think it’s a complement when people tell you something complementary in such a backhanded way. She wasn’t saying “You look so nice”, but “I wish you were ugly and I was beautiful, instead of the other way around”.
A proper response (if you had desired one) would have been along the lines of “If that was a complement, it was a very rude way to put it. Don’t talk to me.” It would have been a complement if she had expressed a desire to look more like you, but to add that she wished you looked like her (when she obviously didn’t like the way she looked) was rude (I’d call it evil, but on the scale of evil, that’s right down there with pinching your brother when your parents aren’t looking).
She demeaned only herself. You did not invite the comment and it was not welcome. She obviously has more problems than her appearance.
I don’t have an answer about this particular situation, but when someone you barely know asks you a personal question or when anyone asks you a question that is none of their business (for instance the ubiquitous “When are you going to have children?”) a good response is “Why do you ask?” I learned this in a seminar one time, and I find it works well. Maybe you could incorporate this into your response somehow. If nothing else, it is fun to see people fumble around for an answer.
For absolute silence in an entire room I’d give ** Coldfire’s ** response a try…just once!
I agree with ** Scotticher, and Annie-Xmas, ** it WAS more of a slam than a compliment, but when you teach yourself to use, ‘why are you asking that?’ shows them they are rude, and it’s an all purpose thing to say to all the rude, obnoxious people who would dare to get in your face and say anything.
Whether it was kindly meant or not, it was still a damn stupid comment. The perpetrator needs to learn that it is rude and inappropriate to make personal remarks to strangers – however, Miss Manners wouldn’t want you to be rude in return (although I’ll bet she would enjoy reading the ‘comeback’ suggestions, as have I). Furthermore, ‘comebacks’ don’t really work – a rude person just sees them as a justification for further rudeness and a clueless person just feels attacked and at a loss. I think what you needed in this case was an icy stare and an impeccably polite response.
Stupid woman: I wish God had given me your body and given you my body because you are so skinny it just makes me sick.
You: [icy stare and long pause] Thank you so much for the kind words.
A rude person may actually be a little shamed by this type of response and a well-meaning but stupid person may abstain from such remarks in the future. Even if you don’t manage to change the perp, you can be comforted by knowing that YOU acted correctly.
Stupid Woman:
“I wish God had given me your body and given you my body because you are so skinny it just makes me sick.”
You:
“I wish God had given you my gift of barely-restrained, yet tactful conversation and given me your gift of being able to blurt out whatever hurtful, ignorant thing I think of.”
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who gets offended at this treatment. I’m also disgusted at all the (insert PC term for heavier women) people who assume that because I’m thin I can buy any piece of off-the-rack clothing I want, and they’re the only people with fit problems. I can’t. At 5’4" and 105 lbs, just about everything hangs off me. I look like a bag lady in most clothing. If I want something to fit, I have to pay designer prices or get it tailored.
Except now, in LA. I tried on a pair of shorts that were a size 0, and they were too small! I was delighted.
Until I moved to LA, people would slip me business cards for anorectic-support groups, hospital groups, private foundations, and the like. Doesn’t happen here.
I think I agree with Baloo here. I find it sad when people say they wish they looked like me, and aren’t happy with themselves as they are, but it really pisses me off if someone wishes that on ME just because I’m thin. I don’t find anything bad about them being however they are. In the case of overweight people I know it all just boils down to metabolism and I have a high one, eat even more than they do and just burn it very quickly. They have a low one and could eat half what I do and gain weight. But I shouldn’t have to pay because my biological makeup favors me and they believe theirs doesn’t.
People really are aware and afraid of how they look aren’t they? Rachelle, if someone said such a thing to me i would just be so shocked I wouldn’t know what to do. I work in fitness and i see all types and sizes and i think that anyone can be beautiful in thier own way. it might mean going to the gym 3x a week or eating right or playing hockey with friends, but that is healthy. I am sure that you are a beautiful person, regardless of what you look like and I am sad that that woman couldn’t see you has person and not just a figure that she wanted.
What? You mean that’s NOT how we’re supposed to view women? Am I to understand that my porn videos are not portraying an accurate account of how women like to be seen? My God, my whole life is a lie!
But for real, I do think that people are way too caught up in physical beauty which cn be so easily faked and manipulated that they refuse to see the inner beauty of life. Maybe a little too deep, but I really believe that.
WHOA!! I am not saying I care about what people think of me, physical or otherwise. i actually get quite a kick out of finding out people who hate me, it cracks me up. I am just saying it upsets me how shallow the majority of people are about physical rather than real beauty. I have no qualms about how I look, and I don’t care what other people think about it. I like to look good, but I can see the beauty in people inside the physical shell. At least i try to look for it. But thank you for your concern about my self-esteem…
Me? I’m always confused. And you got it on the money, Brat.
Nika, ya ain’t gonna change people if they’re shallow. No sense getting upset about it is all I’m saying.
Shallow or deep, fuck what they think. I’m happy, and if they aren’t, screw 'em.
And if you can laugh at their expense, all the better.
Cute ideas about reality. Wouldn’t it be great if the hot gas attentant would do you just because you wanted it?? AHHH To live the life of pornos…