What to do about an uncaring family?

[Shirley_Ujest]

When B got married the first time, he was only 18 and had gotten the girl pregnant. This is the only thing we can think of that would have made his parents act the way they do about him. Well, that and his non-participation in the church.

The last line is the crux of the problem. If you aren’t with us, you aren’t one a part of the bestest faith EVAR! This is my experience, YMMV. Cause everybody should be Catholic, dontchaknow!

Sidebar-Hijack: I just love the terminology “had gotten the girl pregnant” like she wasn’t a willing and enthusiastic bystander in the entire process. It ranks only lower than " Got a girl knocked up" in anachronistic terms that should be jettisoned. This isn’t against you, Indy, it is against every human who uses these terms. Maybe it’s me.
Also, it is not your fight. Though it makes you madder than hell at their cold treatment of him, he has to stand the line and fight his own battle in his own way. ( I’ve learned this the hardway in my life. Only family can mess with family. It is some unwritten and perverse rule. You, my dear lady, are a persona non grata when it comes to intra-family relations.)

Your job is much harder. Watching him go through not only this headache problem ( where in Michigan did you go? And did they figure out the cause?) but the fact that you as an ex-stripper who has been absolved by your own family for ‘sins’ (real and perceived) and he who has done nothing gets the cold shoulder.
He needs bring it up in a nonconfrontational way. " When I was in Michigan for two weeks I saw Bob from Accounting (sic) whom I haven’t seen in 5 years. He heard I was in the hospital and popped by for a few minutes just to say hi. We caught up on alot and he brought me a Maxim."
There shouldn’t be a need to add a, " Where the hell were you?" it will hang there like a fart. Often what is left unsaid speaks the loudest.

If they take the bait and start giving excuses, “Oh, well, I had to mow the lawn and take the cat to get her teeth cleaned…” this will confirm to your husband what you already know, he is lowest on the totem pole. If they don’t take the bait and change tack, they will never discuss it, it again confirms he is chopped liver.

Whatever happens, it will be very, very hard to not take it personally. You and Mr. Indy will just have to learn to let go of your expectations you have of his family and accept whatever it is they have to give ( if it is anything at all.)

Essentially, you cannot pick the family you are born into. He can try to get an explaining from them and if he does, it probably will be loaded with guilt and past ‘sins’ thrown back at him because of their inability to see him as an adult and to deal and move on.

Let us know and I hope he is feeling better!

Shirley

A fellow migraineur ( new word)

[Shirley_Ujest]

@panache45

It sounds like your husband has some warm and supportive friends, plus you and your family. Maybe he should take comfort in what he has, and not go crazy over what he can’t have. If he severs relations with his family, it’s their loss, not his. He’s got you.

Rock solid advice.
We have many families:

The family we are born into.

The family we marry.

The family we create.

The family we choose.

[elbows]

I have been treated in this fashion by my own family and I know how hard it is. He has my sympathy. The desire to love our family runs very deep in human beings. I have struggled most of my adult life.

Here’s a couple of things I’ve learned, y’know, the hard way.

Acknowledging that I could love them from afar, without contact with them, greatly eased the desire to love that runs so deep in us all. I found photos of them from before they were married, before they’d become the creatures I knew. Back when they were still shiny and new and brimming with potential. I had the photos matted and framed and hung them up on my wall. At the same time I just decided I would henceforth be loving them from afar. I have to say, this little thing really helped me. It kept me feeling loving towards them without judgement of their actions, a wonderful exercise truly. I really felt it helped to keep me on the positive side of the fence, and insulated me from self doubt, insecurity etc. I found when you can forgive them for who they’ve become it’s much easier to forgive yourself for not being able to make it work with them in relationship.

Secondly I would remind him his need to email is an attempt to seek their approval, explain himself, perhaps mend things. He needs to be reminded that he has done nothing that needs defending or explaining, and he only feels that because he is being manipulated. As for approval, of course, almost always when we are seeking approval, we are applying to the wrong person. As an adult he is most likely aware, on some level, that the approval he is seeking is his own, the only one that matters in life.

Good luck to you both, this is not an easy journey.

[Indygrrl]

@Nava

A divorced son whose second wife used to be a stripper… I think the one you need to speak with is your inlaws’ parish priest, or whomever is working with your father in law re the diaconate. A pity that you don’t know which parish priest would be good.

Ftr, they don’t know that I am a dancer. That is not something any of the family is aware of, past or present. They think I work from home.

Thanks everyone, for the great advice. I am going to share this thread with my husband and maybe he’ll get something out of it.

[wonky]

@elbows

Acknowledging that I could love them from afar, without contact with them, greatly eased the desire to love that runs so deep in us all. I found photos of them from before they were married, before they’d become the creatures I knew. Back when they were still shiny and new and brimming with potential. I had the photos matted and framed and hung them up on my wall. At the same time I just decided I would henceforth be loving them from afar. I have to say, this little thing really helped me. It kept me feeling loving towards them without judgement of their actions, a wonderful exercise truly. I really felt it helped to keep me on the positive side of the fence, and insulated me from self doubt, insecurity etc. I found when you can forgive them for who they’ve become it’s much easier to forgive yourself for not being able to make it work with them in relationship.

This strikes me as one of the wisest things I’ve ever read here.

[gigi]

@panache45

It sounds like your husband has some warm and supportive friends, plus you and your family. Maybe he should take comfort in what he has, and not go crazy over what he can’t have. If he severs relations with his family, it’s their loss, not his. He’s got you.

That’s it.