What to do about declining in-law?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Just wanted to toss this out and hear if any of you had experience or practical suggestions about a similar problem. In a nutshell, my wife thinks her mom (mid-70s) is becoming less mentally competent, and is uncertain what, if anything, to do about it.

My MIL has always been - uh - kinda ditzy. But she seems to have become even more ditzy in the last year or so. I have thought that she always presented herself as being more helpless and airheaded than she was in order to get attention. I wondered whether years of presenting herself as helpless had ingrained such behaior in her such that she may have actually have become less competent. I guess the specific “symptoms” my wife has noted lately would be best described as increased forgetfulness and belligerance.

A little background. MIL was a pretty hard alcoholic for maybe 20 years when my wife was young, and again for maybe 10 years when she and my FIL got divorced. She has been doing AA for >10 years, and claims to not be drinking, but my wife wonders if she is. Whether or not she is currently drinking, I would not be surprised if her past drinking resulted in some permanent brain dysfunction.

She was a longtime smoker - I think she has quit but am not certain. She has certainly cut down considerably. She has emphysema, but is not on oxygen. I’m not a doctor, but I wonder if a lack of oxygen might impair her brain function.

The other possibility is altzheimer’s or some form of dementia. My parents were both mentally sharp when they died, so I have no experience with this disease. But I understand that there are some treatments, especially if it is diagnosed early.

MIL is financially secure, and lives by herself in a 1st floor condo, 20 minutes from us, 10 minutes from my wife’s sister. The sister and her husband were over the other night and we mentioned the MIL. They agreed that she was apparently declining, but they did not think she was drinking. And they did not think anything needed to be done since she was “safe” in her condo. Apparently MIL no longer drives at night, so they thought she was not endangering others.

There is another sister living in another state with whom we have no contact. And the ex-husband who is a quite wealthy manipulative pathological lying SOB.

So, I was hoping to hear from you guys. What, if anything, would you advise your spouse do in such a situation. My wife and her mom are not really close, but my wife does feel some obligation towards her. We suspect the appropriate thing to do is to seek medical advice - take the MIL to a doctor. But there is quite a history of suspicion and backbiting in her family - I have every suspicion that any attempt to help the MIL will be objected to by the MIL, and questioned and criticized by other family members. I’m not in a hurry for my wife to stir up what I anticipate will be a hornet’s nest. Any thoughts?

2

Definitely doctor.

She may have the beginnings of Alzheimer’s, but there are plenty of other conditions (multi-infarct dementia, strokes, etc.) that can cause the same symptoms. And, not to be too bleak about it, but “old” does not get better, it only gets worse.

If she is declining, there are certain things that can be done: visiting-nurse service, assisted living. I have no idea what her financial status is or her insurance/pension, but it sounds like she will not take most suggestions kindly, which will make the whole ordeal a lot worse.

Wish I could be more optimistic. Have her see a good gerontologist and/or neurologist, and if you do decide on assisted living, let me know and I can give you a lot of helpful advice there.

3

Hard to say though, worst case is she gets confused and starts a fire which obviously would hurt her and her neighbors. My grandma is still sharp but doesn’t drive at night either…she is in an apartment connected to assisted living and then a nursing home, so she is in the right place for if she starts to decline.

I’m sorry for the situation; it’s hard even when the person is agreeable to treatment.

4

Thanks sweetheart. And how are you doin?

I guess what I would really appreciate are folks’ experiences and recommendations on how best to approach this within family dynamics.

-How do you tell your mom that you want to accompany her to a doctor?
-Do you contact the mom’s doctor to set up an appointment or a consultation?
-At what point and how do you involve other family members, and what responses can you anticipate? *(This is a group that has historically looked for opportunities to take advantage of each other - so I anticipate that however well-intentioned our efforts, someone will likely interpret them otherwise. There is some money - not a fortune - involved. There have been serious family disputes related to money in the past. The FIL is the type of guy who really tries to control people with money, and their property settlement was really messy. So I anticipate that some family members will suspect that we are in some way motivated by financial gain - or, they may resent any additional financial expenses as wasting the potential estate.) *
-What do you do if your mom initially rebuffs your efforts?
-How hard do you push this?

5

I sure do feel for you.

I am not trying to be a know-it-all or anything like that, but I am in a similar situation, and I posted a question on this myself a while back.

Please ignore MY posts, but do take a look at the excellent replies and advice I got, it may help you in your situation. My heart is with you, as well as my hopes and prayers for a good resolution for your very difficult situation.

The thread is here.

6

Thanks for the link, Life.
For the time being, my wife is going to monitor and record things more carefully. Things are not yet as bad as the rest of you face, and if you do not have some records, it is hard to really describe your concerns.
One thing that has my wife confused is that her sister says she is sick and tired of dealing with her mom, and doesn’t want to deal with it now. Which has my wife wondering what, exactly, is an appropriate attitude for a daughter.
Thanks for the input, folks.

7

My family, thanks God, has no history of dementia. We’re nuts but it’s from birth :slight_smile:

Mom’s parentals (91 and 92) have recently accepted that it was about bloody time to get some hired help; it took him having a mild stroke (he’s already almost recovered, those two make Superman look weak) for her to realize and admit that she could not get him into the bathtube on her own. Mom lives 4-5 hours away from them, Aunt 2 hours away. My cousin lives nearby. All of us had been doing a lot of “under the table caretaking” already; Mom managed to get Grandma to the doctor (which she hadn’t visited since the last century) by officially setting up an appointment for herself and asking Grandma to come along. She’d set up appointments for both, really, but had explained the situation to the Nurse’s Aid, who’d put in a note to the doctor, who managed to make it sound as if she was just making chit-chat (Grandma couldn’t be bothered to make a doctor’s appointment, but when a nice young lady makes amazed remarks at her health, she’ll rattle out her pains and aches in 5 seconds flat).

I don’t really have any extra advice to offer, but just wanted to send hugs to Dinsdale, LiveOnAPlane and all the other folks here who are caring for someone with any kind of long-term disease.

8

One thing I’ve done with my dad (who is also showing signs of the beginnings of mental-losingitosity (minor things, mind you…but I’m definitely on the lookout) is that we discuss his health openly. He rarely takes my advice on anything, such as him putting off the colonoscopy for two or so years now, but we talk about it. I think if I put on the seriously serious face and asked him to have certain tests done, he’d probably do it.

The family dynamic…that’s a tough one if you’re talking about sharing the responsibilty with people who don’t want to help out. Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and head up the operation yourself. I know my sister will be there, and I know my brother will not because he’s out of state.

Good luck with all of this. As Eve said, it doesn’t get better, so prepare for a long, depressing ride and hope for a massive heart attack.

9

I forgot to add…I’m helping my SIL (the one with cancer) by ordering her groceries on peapod. You can make sure she’s getting the right foods and you don’t have to worry about them hurting themselves lifting, etc. It’s a little thing, but it is much appreciated in my situation.

10

Just a minor update.
My wife talked to her sister yesterday, who expressed the opinion that mom was “totally losing it.” Sis suspected Altzheimer’s. My wife still suspects drinking - says something she can’t really put a finger on reminds her of when her mom was a drunk.
I said a professional would be better able to differentiate the possible dx.
At least this issue hasn’t just dropped.
We’ll see where it goes from here.

11

Dinsdale, I’ll repeat something I said in the other thread.

Look for a geriatrics center that will do a complete assessment. I don’t know where you live, but if you’re near a major metro area, you can probably find one. It should include at least health, psych, and social services.

The point of an assessment is to look at the situation as a whole, rather than in lots of little pieces, so that you can get help with laying out a gameplan to cover all the needs. Part of the assessment should look at medications*, perhaps that would be a good time to mention the drinking. *Meds is a common problem with elders, both because physiological reactions are different after about 65, and because of the quantity/mixture of drugs that are often prescribed by different physicians.

Good luck!