What to do? Daughter is involved in an online relationship

In My Humble Opinion
81

FYI, we haven’t talked to her yet. I let her sleep in because Sunday is the only day she’s able to sleep in. When she woke up, she told me she was supposed to be at school in an hour. I never dreamt they’d want the kids to come in on Sunday, but they did. The good news is that she’ll be so busy this week (the performances are Wed-Sun) with the play and school that she literally won’t have time to do anything except sleep when she gets home.

I’m not freaking out anymore, which is the important thing. Once the play is over, we’re going to have an “Internet Rules Revisited” talk with both girls.

82

Another thing to keep in mind is that Internet sex talk can be a psychologically “safe” space for young people to confront and sort out their sexual feelings without the actual danger of having to act on it. She is at the age where she is starting to have sexual feelings, but may not be ready to date. A “boyfriend” who lives on the other side of the country is a way to explore this without all the trouble that comes with a real boyfriend.

83

Pocito, it sounds like the guy had problems at home. How was that supposed to be your fault, or a betrayal of your parents’ trust, or idiocy on your part? There must be more to this; I don’t see what you did wrong.

84

I was going to say the same thing. I don’t see that she did a single thing wrong, and it makes me think of my parents who thought my teenagehood=whoredom. :rolleyes:

85

Well, did it? :smiley:

86

I wish. At least if I was going to get in trouble anyway I’d have done the deed!

87

Okay, I read this entire thread ( my god it took over an hour ) till where PunditLisa said what she was going to do. I just registered to SDMB to reply on here, and I hope after all these posts, you’re still reading this PunditLisa :slight_smile:

I would just like to add a guy’s opinion as I’m 17 and in an internet relationship with my 16 year old sweetheart. I’m happy to be the first one in a similar case but from the other side to post :slight_smile: .
First of all, she hasn’t told her parents yet, because she actually fears that will result in her parents confiscating her computer. In her case there aren’t actual rules made about her privacy, so she can’t be punished for not telling her parents.
If they were to find out, or we got to the point where she’ld tell them, I wouldn’t have any problem at all to talk to them and explain to them who I am, as very understandably in these days they would be very concerned. (I also have a webcam to prove I’m not some old pervert.)

I do not agree. You need to look after her, yes, but at almost 16, she should be smart enough to make her own decisions, you shouldn’t figuratively ‘hold her hand’ the whole time. (Quiet people are often smarter than you’ld think)

Also, by the description of your daughter, i don’t think Sierra Indigo’s (rather extreme) situation fits here. (not meant offensive)

The solution you (PunditLisa) came up with after revising it with your husband seems fair, you should only add that you’re going to ask her about this “Chris” and listen ( try to be objective) to what she has to say about him. The most worrying part I think is that she lied about the origin of the necklace.

Furthermore I would like to add that using any spyware-like tool on teenagers is just wrong in my opinion. How tempting it might be for a parent. Try more talking to your child instead (unless its some sort of extreme situation of course).

88

When I was 14, I was a straight-A student and had never gotten into trouble. In fact, I wound up going away to college at 16. But that’s of little import.

The important part is that, at that age, I felt as if I had earned a bit of privacy by being the responsible, sweet, valedictorian, no-behavior-problems daughter that I was. I never drank, stayed out late, or brought guys home. I’d never done drugs. I’d never given any indication of trouble. My friends were all straight-A kids, and my parents knew all of their parents. Our version of a friday-night good time was to watch a movie or play scrabble.

That being said, my mother read my diary around that time, she read my emails, she secretly read my livejournal, and I was devastated when I found out about it. I still am, really. It ruined our relationship for years.

Question for PunditLisa and other advocates of the “harsher” spying methods as punishment: What does a child of that age have to do in order to earn a bit of privacy, or trust that they’ll make correct decisions on their own? Or can’t she earn it? And, if you can’t, what’s her reward for being a good, responsible, upfront teenager? Is there one?

89

Meanwhile, I would guess that her “lying” about the necklace is innocuous. At that age, watching people kiss on the television set in front of your parents is embarassing. She’s not trying to “hide” anything, she’s trying to avoid embarassment. Especially if she’s a nerdy type. I had no dates in HS and I was incredibly ashamed about it. The last thing I wanted to do was field questions from my parents when I was already feeling unattractive and pathetic.

She’s not engaging the boy in sex talk. She’s not inviting him over. I 've sent postcards back and forth to “internet friends”. Two of them came to my house for thanksgiving dinner, once, and my parents met them- but not before I was ready to talk about them. Give your daughter some credit.

I would recommend just having a discussion about “gaia” and MMPORPGs in general. Remind her that the people she meets in the game aren’t necessarily telling the truth. Also tell her that, if she or her friends ever want to meet anyone from the game, remember to do it during the day, in a crowded spot, and let you and dad know what’s going on so you’ll be able to help her JUST IN CASE something happens to her. Be loving, and give her the benefit of the doubt. That way, she’ll be more likely to keep you in the loop, as opposed to knee-jerking in response to your “invasion of privacy” and putting you on informational lockdown.

I was much less inclined to share my plans with my parents after I’d realized they were spying on me, whereas before I was very open.

90

I never said she would automatically be a target if she put her name on Myspace. I know that her name has been in the paper and yes, we’re in the phone book. I also know from experience that even those things can be a bit dicey. A few years ago the local police arrested a guy in town for peeping and other creepy activities and when they searched his house they found lists of teenage girls, along with their addresses. One of those was our older daughter, whose name he had found on the honor roll lists from the high school.

But the internet does give a lot more people access to the information, and it does make it easier to find. I’d advise her against putting her name and phone number on the wall in any restroom, too. It doesn’t hurt for kids to learn a little caution. They do often seem to think of the internet as their own private space, without giving any thought to where that stuff actually goes.

91

I was on the real live internet at about fourteen and generally online on the major BBSs (Prodigy, AOL, etc) at about ten or eleven, though I admit I was a pretty old eleven. My parents told me never to give out my real name or address or anything like that. The scary people they’d always told me about when I was little, the ones with candy or puppies to lure kids over, were out there too. They would pretend to be my friend but that didn’t mean I was safe. This was before big kid/internet scares, or at least before they were really publicized, as far as I know.

I mostly obeyed. I told a few people my name, since that seemed harmless. I told one or two the nearest major city to the small town I lived in. I did tell people sometimes that I wasn’t allowed to tell them the name of my school. I also told people I was a 21 year old lesbian, so do with that what you will. :wink: I’d never dated or kissed or seen anyone but my mother naked in person, but I had a fairly active cybersex life. I never gave out my address, but I know in retrospect some of those people were pretty skeevy – either they pretended to be grownups (rather more common at that point, I think, than adults pretending to be kids) or they were uncommonly interested in fifteen year old girls.

“Don’t tell them your name,” my mother had said. “And if you tell them your name, don’t tell them where you live. And if you tell them where you live, don’t tell them where you go to school. And if you even tell them that, for the love of God don’t tell them your address. And if you’re that crazy, at least don’t agree to meet them. You wouldn’t tell a random stranger on the street where you live, and you are going to know less about who you meet online.” She also brought up the 40 and in his mother’s basement image, and believe me, it stuck. :slight_smile:

Regardless, I have met several people from online. I did for the first time as a freshman in college – a woman I’d known online and chatted with over the phone several times who met me in public with lots of people around. I miss her and wish we had kept in touch. I visit online friends in Canada yearly and closer by more often. I’ve had crushes on and even fancied myself in love with a few people I’ve met there, and I know at least part of the reason is that there’s no pressure and no expectation. If they disappoint me, it’s a lot easier to cut off ties. If I’m in a bad mood I don’t connect, and same for them. We never have to deal with one another’s bad moods or worse decisions or borrowing money or holding each other’s hair while the other pukes out a bad night pub hopping. It’s all very slightly unreal.

I would definitely advise a gentle talk, but not necessarily “So we’ve been snooping and we’re disappointed.” If you have to pull that card, do it, but I’d start with a careful discussion of the situation.

If, of course, she’s savvy enough to realize what you’ve done from what you’re dancing around, that could make things worse.

I just realized I still remember my old Prodigy logins. Creepy.

92

Wait, she “secretly” read your livejournal? I thought those were public information. I mean, I get that reading your diary is not okay, and emails may be over the line (depending on what the ground rules are), but reading your LJ page doesn’t seem like an invasion of privacy. I’m not into LJ, so maybe I’m missing something here…

93

Yeah, LJs are meant to be public. I can’t get too worked up over that.

94

I trust people implicitly until I’m given a reason not to. I don’t read her mail or her journal and wouldn’t have read her IMs had she not left them up. That’s not to say that I’ve given her the expectation of privacy or that I’ll apologize for reading them.

But she’s a very good kid, IMO, and has given me very little cause for suspicion. I recognize that and treat her accordingly. Now that I know this “Chris” guy exists, I’ll try to keep an eye on her to make sure that there’s nothing untoward going on that would cause us to intervene. Other than that, I’ll let her live her life.

95

Sounds to me like it was a matter of reading the LJ for the sole purpose of hoping to catch nongoog out at something, and not telling her of this.

I think there should be a middle ground between total privacy and constant, covert surveillance. Somewhere in that middle ground is communication, and it doesn’t sound like there was any in that house.

96

Lol, AOL and Prodigy as BBSs? I feel old if you consider those BBSs. To me BBS means pre-internet (though I realize there was an internet it wasn’t really that public except to the extreme geeks or professionals). I think I was 19-20 when Prodigy and AOL were out, and they were still internet to me. BBS, at least in my mind, is not internet, and certainly not AOL. (obviously YMMV, darn you kids :wink: ).

97

But private dial up BBSs of that era tended to be fairly small private communities. I was on one of them - run by a friend on an Apple II - that had maybe 20 members. You needed to know the phone number, which you got by knowing the sysadmin.

98

They had several large BBSs listed in local and regional newspapers. Others you heard about on those boards or other listings. I miss the days of MMUD (tried to play a couple years ago and thought “what the hell was the appeal back then?”)

99

I’m sorry but… if you’re a kid and post stuff publicly on your LJ that can get you in trouble with your parents, then you deserve to get in trouble. The internet is the most public of places. Your parents (who very likely have your best interests at heart) reading your LJ really should be the least of your worries, in that situation. Can you really blame parents for monitoring the content their kids post on places like LJ? Seems totally reasonable, if not downright required, to me.

Why do people think they have any expectation of privacy on the internet? That always seems so disingenuous to me. If you put it out there, people are going to read it. Isn’t that why you’re writing it? And if one of the people who reads it happens to have something to say about it you don’t like… them’s the breaks, kid. Be thankful if it’s only your mama.

100

Depends on what the parent thinks is trouble.