What to do in case of rapture and/or hurricane

[SanibelMan]

(Posted in Pit because no thread about fundamentalist christianity has ever survived elsewhere.)

I found a flyer wedged in my car door this afternoon. Appearently, someone’s out to save me. And they left some interesting instructions. I really wish they’d said what church they’re from, or left a website address so I could link to this pamphlet. Great stuff, really.

There’s a double-sided page about Heaven and Hell, and they have some interesting ideas on who will get sent to hell:

Those who don’t produce fruit (Mt. 25:14-16; Jn. 15:5-6)

Oh, yay, I’m saved! My little boy will save me from hell. But wait, what if they mean it literally!? I’ve never produced an apple out of thin air in my life. Guess I’m doomed.

Here’s their instructions on what to do in case of rapture:

What To Do In Case You Miss The Rapture?

1. Stay calm and do not panic.
2. Realize that you are now living in the Great Tribulation.
3. Pray like you have never prayed before in your life. Start by repenting your sins. (Isn’t it a little late for that?)
4. Do not take the mark at any cost.
5. Set a plan in motion for survival. (Have your hurricane/earthquake/rapture kit ready, with lots of bottled water and canned beans.)
6. Trust no one. (Not even Jesus?)
7. Watch for the Antichrist. (There he is! Wait, no, over there!)
8. Don’t give up hope!

There’s also details on the Antichrist’s plans:

It is crucial to understand that the decision to take the mark of the beast involved some form of a pledge of allegiance to the Antichrist, making it a spiritual decision that has only secondary economic benefits. This pledge of allegiance will mean that individuals accept the Beast’s system of government, finance, and religion. It will mean that they buy into his vision, platform, and program.

Oh… my… GOD! Pledge of Allegiance, economic benefits, government… George W. Bush is the Antichrist!

Run! Save yourselves!

But what is the Mark of the Beast? A UPC code, of course. They were good enough to include a diagram of a UPC symbol, pointing out where the three sixes are.

The Bible says the mark of the beast will be installed by the Antichrist

Wait a minute. Installed? Forget what I said before, Bill Gates is the Antichrist!

But how will all this happen?

Witness the birth of a cash-less society and the ever expanding use of biometric implants to track creatures all over the world - a likely precursor to the Antichrist’s worldwide system of monitoring people.

Ah, so it’s that chip in my ass that’s causing all the trouble.

Anyway, I hope everyone who reads this will promptly go save themselves. Remember to concentrate on making fruit.

[Ice_Wolf]

Nah, I think I’ll contract out of that one. There are more than enough fruitcakes around, thanks.

[Lsura]

Does it have to be edible fruit? I mean, I managed to grow two tomato plants this summer, but so far none of the fruit that’s I’ve gotten has actually been edible. A combination of bugs and irregular watering has done them in.

Of course, it must have been Satan sending the bugs, and Satan’s minions distracting me so that I didn’t water regularly.

[Road_Rash]

Forget about after it happens! What about preparing for it happening. There is going to be the mother of all traffic jams if it happens during rush-hour. Many non-christians will get killed. Fish car decal dealers will either disappear, or will lose their source of income. DC Talk concerts will get cancelled. This will send economic shock waves through the economy.

I feel all christians who believe that the rapture is about to happen very soon abstain from driving, flying, or operating machinery that could do harm if unattended. Cancel the christian lawnmower races.

[Beagle]

I’m buying lots of beans and lighters. Food, fire, entertainment.

[Eve]

That should be easy; I never prayed before.

[Miller]

From the OP
There’s a double-sided page about Heaven and Hell, and they have some interesting ideas on who will get sent to hell:

Those who don’t produce fruit (Mt. 25:14-16; Jn. 15:5-6)

Blessed are the green grocers?

[whiterabbit]

Why on EARTH would a non-fundamentalist HAVE a “Rapture Kit?” Of course, they WOULDN’T, since they’re leaving us behind. But why would I have a kit in case of an event I find laughably improbable???

[pravnik]

See, “pray like you have never prayed before in your life” doesn’t necessarily mean pray harder. It could mean pray more strangely.

[iampunha]

Warning: in case of rapture this vehicle will be unmanned.

I dunno about the rest of you, but in case of rapture I’m going to be out claiming a lot of cars. “But sir, this vehicle has an owner.” “Yeah, and the owner got raptured. Finders keepers, losers raptured. Now gimme my money!”

[whiterabbit]

Maybe I’ll throw a pagan ritual orgy. I never prayed like THAT before…

[Miller]

*Originally posted by pravnik *
**See, “pray like you have never prayed before in your life” doesn’t necessarily mean pray harder. It could mean pray more strangely. **

Or, it could me “pray ineptly.” As in, with no practice or experience doing it. “Our heaven who art in father, Harold be thy name… Damn, that can’t be right!”

[iampunha]

“Now I lay her down to bed
I swear to you, I plan to wed.
And if I die before she quake
I ask that she my virginity take
before she freaks the fuck out because there’s a dead body between her legs.”

[Shirley_Ujest]

*Originally posted by iampunha *
**I dunno about the rest of you, but in case of rapture I’m going to be out claiming a lot of cars. **

The problem is that every car I have seen this assinine - yet-hysterical- bumper sticker on is a POS.

You can keep the car, but I say we loot their houses and spend our time Smashing Gnomes!

[iampunha]

SanibelMan, this seems similar-enough to what you were given.

[Doomtrain]

Man, they say it like missing the Rapture is like missing the freakin’ bus.

“If you miss the 4:05 Rapture, one will be along at 4:30…”

[Little_Plastic_Ninja]

Oh MAN, you people are making me laugh HARD…

Pray like you’ve never prayed before.

Well, you should find some interesting variations in here – http://www.ology.org/principia/

And I grew some pretty good tomatoes, and we used to have trees of peaches and pears, and one fig tree and one apple tree, and I did help take care of them, so I guess I have produced fruit. Whaddayaknow.

What’s the rest of the list? I’d hate to miss the Great Tribulation; maybe I ought to get my bottom out there and start engraving some images.

[Emperor_Penguin]

I just have to say, the term “The Rapture” bugs me. When ever I hear it, I don’t thing of people being sucked up by God’s good guy vacuum cleaner.

Instead, I’m forced to think of something along the lines of one giant, world wide, mind blowing orgasm. Not that that’s a bad thing mind you, buit would be pretty messy, I’d wager. It would probably do a world of good though.

[Miller]

Originally posted by Little Plastic Ninja
And I grew some pretty good tomatoes, and we used to have trees of peaches and pears, and one fig tree and one apple tree, and I did help take care of them, so I guess I have produced fruit. Whaddayaknow.

Alternatively, it could be a free pass to members of PFLAG.

[iampunha]

Coincidentally, I own an apple tree back at my house (the one I grew up in, not the one I live in now). Everyone in the family and several other people have eaten from it.

Wonder what that means…