In a very grave voice, you say: “So… how’s it hanging?”
This. So much this.
No shame in this, just sayin.
I once had a very thorough exam as part of a couple’s fertility evaluation at a teaching hospital. Two students, an intern, the doctor, and a fellow. So, each part of the exam was repeated x5.
Student #1checked my prostate and, “next!”. After the group finished each part, they’d discuss their findings.
I pretty much kept my mouth shut.
Coolest part was testicle size determination. Each examiner held one testicle in one hand while their other hand manipulated a string of beads of varying size. The beads were wooden and had size written on them.
I remember during my vasectomy, they told me to undress and lie down w/ a towel/sheet over me, and exited the room. I’ve never been self conscious about my body in such situations, so I didn’t see any need for them to leave. But I guess I understand the - um - best practices regarding privacy separating the disrobing from the exam. But when they came back in, they pulled off the towel, yanked my dick in one direction and my bass in the other…
Just seemed so incongruous that they didn’t want see my junk come whipping outta my trousers, but once it was out, they completely manhandled it! 
Once it twice, as the medical person handed me a paper thing and was about to leave, i said, “you’re just going to take this off anyway, i don’t mind if you stay while i take off my clothes.”
And they did.
Yeah - I think I said something like that - but they still dashed out of the room. Just seemed weird.
My smart a*s brother in law claims he asked his female doctor under those circumstances if he should be buying her dinner. He claims she did not in the least appreciate the humour and he thought she was a little rough in her “examination”. 
I had to get my privates shaven and prepared for a minor cardiac procedure. They were going to insert the catheter through the femoral artery (vein?) and wanted the groin area spic and span.
So this guy comes with a razor and methodically shaves my privates and groin. He doesn’t say a word, nor do I. At the end I thanked him and he left. I never felt uncomfortable. However in the OR, I was partially exposed and with the female anesthesiologist hovering over me, I was not in a good spot. However it was only a few seconds before I fell unconscious.
Doctors and their aides are usually extremely professional. They don’t expect you to say anything or crack jokes about it - it is all routine for them. As for me, I just shut up for the few minutes it usually takes to complete.
Besides, we all have the same equipment, and they are unlikely to remember my utterly unremarkable junk.
Yeah, that’s offensive, and just makes things worse. The doctor is there to do a professional exam, not to give you sexual or romantic pleasure. It’s borderline sexual harassment of your BIL to say that.
I normally don’t say much, but when I had to have surgery on a very unpleasant spot, I made some small talk with the proctologist. When she asked me what I do for a living (divorce lawyer) I told her and said “I’m probably the only patient you will examine today that sees more assholes than you do.” She cracked up. One small bright spot on a very, very unpleasant day.
I had a friend who had a boil lanced between the cheeks of his buttocks. A (female)nurse stood over him and held them apart so the doctor could work. Overall a highly uncomfortable and embarrassing situation. So my friend decided to lighten the mood by saying “We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”
He claimed it got a laugh.
OK – another true story, told to me by my wife Pepper Mill. Hopefully, she will not kill me if she ever learns that I told this story.
She was having a uterine exam by a (male) gynecologist. She’s in the usual stirrups, looking up at the ceiling while he’s sitting face-to-face with her privates and working quietly away.
Suddenly he says, “Well, HERE’S something interesting!”
This is precisely the kind of thing you don’t want to hear under these circumstances. Even though he said it in a cheery voice, she was bracing herself for bad news.
“What is it?”
The doctor started singing
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear [Pepper Mill]
Happy birthday to you.
“Are you counting rings in there or something?”
To which the doctor replied
“No, But I have your chart down here, and it has your date of birth on it.”
Yes, I should’ve known better. My apologies.
I certainly understand the impulse for some people to want to interject levity into an awkward situation, but a medical exam, as a general rule, I’d say, is not the time to be honing your comedic chops, especially with sexually tinged lines like that. Some of these I can see going over okay, but you’ll never do wrong by shutting your trap and letting the procedure play out quietly. You can joke and laugh later.
I got to use that when I had wrist surgery. OK, it was piano, not violin… I’m sure the doc had heard it a million times before, as he was a hand specialist. I quickly interjected “but really, I DO play”. Which turned out to be a good thing as it altered how he did the surgery.
As far as the topic at, er, hand: Whatever random chit-chat was going on before, continues, though I don’t usually say much.
On two occasions now, I’ve had to drop my pants on somewhat short notice. Once because they wanted to give me a steroid injection, in a glute (first time I’ve ever had a shot there, since I was old enough to remember). The second time, because a doctor needed to check the veins in the backs of my legs. Both times, I said “I usually don’t moon people the first time I meet them”.
Also recently: I was having a cardio workup involving an echocardiogram. The tech, who was male, was running the ultrasound probe in various places and pressing pretty firmly. He said something like “Sorry if I’m pressing too hard” to which I replied “Clearly, you’ve never had a mammogram!”.
So, all in all: while having the naughty bits poked and prodded isn’t a moment where I try to chat - it’s uncomfortable, awkward, and over quickly anyway - for other stuff I am glad to toss out a joke when I can.
Disagree.
Solidly over the edge. I could see giving a warning that further behavior like that will result in dismissal from the practice. No professional need put up with that crap.
I completely get that anxieties, insecurities, and hang ups sometimes express themselves as “jokes”. Still people, deal with it in a less immature and shitty way.
No question that in my pediatric group we have some girls who switch from me to one of my female partners and boys who switch from them to me or the other male as they enter puberty, just because of their anxiety regarding changing body parts, modesty, and their comfort. Many don’t. That’s fine and understandable either way.
I have never however heard of any teen boy being so immature as to make a joking sexual comment to one of my female partners. Interesting that teen boys are more mature than some men.
Speak to express your anxiety beforehand and the professional can help talk you through it, and speak to ask a serious question or concern you have about those body parts. Or just be quiet for the 10 to 30 seconds.
I’ve been on the receiving end as a patient. My PCP (who has recently retired), when preparing to check my prostate, would always have a smart-assed comment like, “believe me, this aint no walk in the park for me, either”.
I’d known him a long time, so I always just ignored it.
That’s totally different. That doesn’t sexualize the interaction. It’s just dumb chatter. If my doctor said that while shoving something up my vagina or my ass, I’d probably reply snippily, “I’m pretty sure it’s worse for me”, but i wouldn’t feel threatened. If my doctor joked about taking me out for dinner, I’d probably file a complaint, and certainly wouldn’t go back to that doctor. Creepy.
I think it’s less bad the other way around (the patient making an inappropriate comment) because of the power dynamic. The doctor is fully clothed and is in charge. But i certainly wouldn’t hold it against a doctor who “fired” a patient for that kind of behavior. I might even consider it a point in their favor.
The only time I felt compelled to make a comment was during a pelvic ultrasound. Very invasive. I’ve had rambunctious sex that was far less so.
The exam had gotten painful to the point of unbearable. I said, “You know, I’d like to be able to use this vagina again when you’re done with it. Maybe lighten up a tad?”
The female tech apologized profusely and wrapped up her work. Phew!
In general, I’m with the no-time-for-chit-chat crowd.
My urologist was talking politics during my vasectomy, and he clearly wasn’t of the same political persuasion as me. I, however, had no intention of convincing the man literally holding a knife to my balls that the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act wasn’t communism and Barack Obama wasn’t a Muslim (not that there’s anything wrong with that).