So, I know that I’m not a proliferate poster, but I could use some advice and guidance. The succinct question is: what is the protocol for dealing with love letters from someone, when you are no longer in that relationship?
Some backstory:
I recently got married and in the process of moving stuff and settling in, I rediscovered a box with a number of love letters and mementos of my college girlfriend. She was the first girl that I ever loved and vice versa. We dated very seriously for 3 years and even discussed getting married at one point. However, I was 1 year ahead of her and so when graduation came (1999 for the record), we broke up officially though we continued to be quite intimate with each other for the next year until she graduated. During the time that we were together, we took trips and vacations together and had many wonderful experiences that we shared. We eventually seperated for good when she moved out to the West Coast, but we still keep in infrequent contact and I still consider her a good friend. In fact, we both attended the other’s wedding last year.
Now, I love my wife and I don’t want to be with anyone else, so it should be a pretty easy decision, right? Except, I like remembering the time that is represented in the letters. It was a trip down memory lane for me when I re-read the letters because I remembered some great college experiences that we shared and the letters are pretty much the only history that I have for most of them. I don’t think that my wife would be thrilled to know that I still have them, since she knows how I used to feel for the ex, but I also don’t know that she would force me to throw them away either. So I’m conflicted as to whether I should just accept that I’ve entered a new part of my life and that the new life shouldn’t involve intimate letters from someone else or, since they represent a time and relationship that went a long way to shaping me into the person I am today, I should hold onto them to remind me of what I went through to become the person I am today.
So, what should I do? Any dopers want to offer advice or let me know what they have done in similar situations?
How would you feel about donating them to your local museum or historical society? Letters from this time period are going to be in very short supply and I’m sure your local institution would welcome them in their archives.
I’ve saved some cards and letters from previous relationships, just as I’ve saved photographs. I look at it this way: those people are a part of my life and personal history, and throwing everything away would be like trying to erase part of my past. I wouldn’t expect my SO to part with their memories, either. If my current SO had a problem with my keeping such things, I’d view it as a sign of some unwarranted insecurity. I’m with him now, not the others, and I’m not pining for them, so what’s the trouble?
To be fair, it’s not like I regularly take the cards, etc. out to moon over them, or use as a launching point for unrequested monologues on my past relationships. If I were, I think my SO would be entitled to be upset.
On preview: My own feeling is that personal correspondence, especially stuff of a romantic nature, shouldn’t be passed on to any third party before both parties are old and gray, and public release is less likely to have a negative impact on someone. Otherwise, it’s a violation of at least one party’s right to privacy. I would be mighty ticked if I found out that any of my ex’s did that.
I understand wanting some letters, but why love letters? Almost all of the ones I have ever gotten say nothing about what was going on at the time, they are almost all personal. Can you tell me what they would be used for? As I said, I do understand most letters, but some I don’t see holding any useful info to anyone but the people involved.
When I got married, the only letters I had around from previous relationships were very, very, very personal and very, very, very hot.
So I burned them.
If nothing else, I think it would be of historical interest to see how the sort of language people use for “wooing” purposes has evolved over time, and the different social standards about relationships compared to the past.
Personally, I think it’s a cool idea to pass along some love letters to a museum.
When my mom died we found some love letters that she kept from different boyfriends. It was a nice thing to find. It gave me a different perspective on my mom and her life than just knowing her as a parent. I’ve kept some of mine. Like a diary, it provides more of a reminder of the person you were at that time than a photograph would.
I think you should put them in a shoebox and stick them in the back of your closet. I think if your wife has any that she should do the same. As long as they’re all clearly dated from before the time you met your wife, so as not to incite any future scandal. Maybe you should start (if you don’t already) writing love letters to your wife and she to you (if she’s the type).
I have letters from an ex, they aren’t really “love letters” per se, but they are definitely a lot of written proof of feelings, times past, et cetera.
We were so very in love, he was my first love, and I look back on it with both fondness and some sadness, with which I’ve mostly come to terms. We had a lot of good times together, travelled, shared lots of things.
About 4 or 5 years ago I sealed everything in an envelope and wrote the date on it, intending to toss it after 2 years if I had not wanted to look at it in the interim (this was when I was trying to get over him - it took a looooong time, and running into an intimate, funny, sweet, or otherwise letter by accident when looking for something else was painful).
I’ve never been able to bring myself to throw it out. It’s still sitting on my shelf (tucked away), and I think that some time I’m going to take it down and go for a trip down memory lane. It’s nice to know it’s still there, but it’s not out on display or anything.
FTR, I’m in love with someone else now, and he and I are very serious - moving in together in June :D. He knows I still have some mementos around, though I don’t think I ever told him about this particular envelope [not hiding anything, just literally forgot about it! Guess I got over him after all].
If your wife tells you point-blank that you keeping the letters makes her uncomfortable and she wants you to get rid of them, then you probably should oblige her. Aside from that, I don’t see any harm in holding on to them-- like you said, they remind you of a happy time in your life. Just keep it to yourself, and put it in a discreet place. The less your wife has to hear and/or think about it, the happier she’ll be.
Can you scan them and store them online? Not as sentimental as the actual paper they are written on, but they would be out of your marital home and you would still be able to refer to them from time to time. Hotmail offers 1024 meg storage on free accounts-
If I can get a good reason for donating letters like that then I have some from my father to my mother. I have zero use for them and almost threw them away. If they can be used then I might just ask my father if it’s ok with him to donate them.
When I was moving out of my parent’s house to college, one of the last things I loaded into my pickup was my “Love Letter Box”, that had notes, letters, cards, pictures, ect. About an hour and fifty five minutes into the two hour trip, I looked up to see my box explode into the wind, leaving a plume of paper in my wake. I let my foot off the gas and gasped in surprise. Then I shruged my shoulders and had an instantaneous realization that my past was now (literally and figuratively) behind me. That took care of that problem
To me it seems wrong to throw them away. I sealed mine in a manila envelope and put it on my bookshelf. I love old photos and letters and am sure it would be a great find for someone in an antiques shop in 2070.
**lavenderviolet **gave a great answer. You never know what sort of little tidbits within the letter will be of value to historians: cultural references, details of daily life, current expressions . . . there are all sorts of things they might find interesting.
Likely what will actually happen to the letters is that when they come into the museum, they will be cataloged and stored in their archives. It’s highly unlikely that there would be any sort of electronic storage where they would be searchable to the public, or published online or anything like that, so you don’t really need to worry about privacy or embarassment as far as that’s concerned. You can always ask them if it really bugs you. If you get someone nosy (like me) doing the accessioning, your letters will be read by them, but likely, other than that, no one else will read them until someday when some researcher is looking for letters from that time period.
You may want to include a short note with a bit of biographical data and mention when your relationship ended, just to give context for anyone reading them in the future.
At one point I realized that they only brought out negative feelings. Regret, confusion, embarassment. One I put that fact into words, it was easy to toss them.
Ahh, but see for me, they bring out good feelings: Love, friendship and nostalgia. I think I’ll probably end up putting them in a box and sealing them up. It will put them out of sight, but they’ll still be there for the future.
And if the wife finds out, I’ll just explain why they’re important to me.
Sorry to all the folks who have replied to this thread, but the correct answer was, “sell them on eBay”. Yes, “sell them on eBay” was the correct answer. But thanks for playing!
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