What to say to someone when they carry a torch for you...

… and you just don’t feel the same way?

This really is the story of my life - once again, someone I like very much as a friend, but nothing more, has confessed to having some deeper feelings for me. (And of course, the person I’m interested in seems oblivious, but I digress…) It caught me completely off-guard, and I had no idea what to say, so I just sort of blithered on around the topic. I suppose said torch-holder left the conversation with a sense of disappointment I didn’t confess to the same feelings, but I can’t lie to someone about something so important.

One of my best friends loves to kid me being a heartbreaker, which is a real joke, if you get to know me at all - I’m the furthest thing from it. I just don’t know how to gracefully convey my feelings in turn without hurting the other person too much. Anyone have any good suggestions? I would like for once to not have a friendship go drown the drain afer saying thanks but no thanks.

It’s the story of my life, too. Well, one of the stories of my life - the other one being that the ones I do feel that away about either don’t feel the same, or are already taken, or worse … anyway, the only way to deal with it is to be honest and say you just don’t feel that way about them. If you say it in a nice way it shouldn’t affect your friendship - it never has affected any of mine - unless of course the person was only interested in the friendship for what else it might lead to, in which case, it’s no real loss to you anyway.

My 2 cents.

Several of my friends have said they’re in love with me and/or have asked me out.

I was just honest with them, and told them I like them as a friend but don’t feel the same way.

Oh, and I stayed friends with ALL the guys afterwards.

I would be seriously flattered, but explain that I like them as a friend and no more than that. I’d make sure to lay down “the ground rules” if there was no chance of me ever reciprocating.

It’s never happened to me though (to my recollection), so what do I know?:dubious:

I’ll tell you what **not **to do:

Many years ago, I was totally in love with a guy I worked with. He was just the most amazingly lovable man I had ever met, we had a great deal in common, and we saw a lot of each other outside of work as well. This went on for about three years, until I finally decided to let him know how I felt. So I wrote him a lengthy letter, describing all my feelings that he had known nothing about. One day, before going home, I handed him the letter and left.

I expected him to call me that night, but he didn’t. I expected hiim to talk about it the next day, but he didn’t. I looked for any subtle signs that anything had changed, but there was nothing. I was prepared for any conceivable reaction from him - acceptance, anger, rejection - but there was **no **reaction. It was as if he hadn’t even read the letter. I even thought of simply asking him if he had read it, but just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I eventually got over him (but it would have been a lot easier if I’d gotten some feedback from him), and started a wonderful relationship with someone else. But I sometimes think of that guy, and wonder about that letter.

So whatever your reaction to someone else’s feelings, just be honest; and even if you don’t feel anything, at least **communicate **that you don’t. He made himself very vulnerable by opening up to you; don’t just keep him hanging there.

“OK, we’re here. Hand me that torch.”

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

My thoughts: Give them a chance, maybe. Just because you’re not bonkers-in-love-with-someone, it doesn’t mean you have to blow them off completely.

I’ve tried that, Gadfly. It has never worked… and usually has had a negative impact on our friendship.

I have tried that, and I wish I could say I had the same result. It seems that I’m a magnet for folks with very delicate feelings. No matter how gently I try to give it to them straight, it always seems to produce a world of hurt, and the friendship is finished because they “can’t bear to just think of me as a friend,” yadda yadda yadda. Or else they say it’s okay, but they are so manifestly blue whenever I talk to them that I get uncomfortable and feel the need to pull away myself.

I know too what it’s like to be left hanging, and I don’t want to do that to him, either. I’m certain the topic will come up again; I just wanted to be better prepared the next time.

USA! USA! USA!

Dear dave316:

[Jim Craig] Where’s my father??[/Jim Craig]

:stuck_out_tongue:

Tell them, and do it relatively quickly. Hanging on for something that just isn’t going to be sucks. If you want to know -how- to tell him or her, I’d suggest trying to do it in a way that’s not overly dramatic or ‘too serious’. Just say it once, “Nah, I’m not interrested.” Or soemthing to that effect. Sure, it’ll hurt, but it’ll hurt a hell of a lot less than a string-along or dreaded silence.
(Can you tell I’m still a bit bruised from something like this?)

I’ve got a friend from high school who carried one for me for years. He might still, for all I know. He knows I don’t feel that way at all, and it doesn’t seem to bug him. Once several years ago he asked what I’d say if he proposed, and I had no problem saying, “I’m sorry, but no.”

It’s not been a problem for me, and from what I can tell, not one for him. I certainly hope not. Unrequited love really really sucks.

Fwiw, I thought that way for a long time. I don’t say what I think now is better, but it is different; if the ones who don’t share your feelings, actually did, would they then become one of those you don’t fancy?

Of course, you never know. It’s just that, as the years go by, the 100% record of unrequited ‘coincidences’ (which ever way), starts to look a tad pathological, in a nice, commitment phobic kinda way :smiley:

YMMV, a lot

By panache45:
"Many years ago, I was totally in love with a guy I worked with. He was just the most amazingly lovable man I had ever met, we had a great deal in common, and we saw a lot of each other outside of work as well. This went on for about three years, until I finally decided to let him know how I felt. "<snip>

It’s been my experience that if something of a romantic and/or physical nature hasn’t happened by the third time you “saw each other outside of work”, well then, it ain’t gonna’ happen at all.

How could you have waited three years to find out? (NOT being critical or snarky here, just puzzled):confused:

Heh. I do understand what you’re getting at here, and thankfully I don’t have a 100% record of unrequited coincidences. :wink:

In my case, I seem to have a … non-threatening … personality that makes it easy for otherwise very shy guys to feel not only comfortable in my company, but also that they have a chance at romance, apparently. Which circumstance makes me feel even worse when I have to say, sorry, it won’t work. :frowning:

I think that there might be two types of rejected torch-bearers.

In the first category are those, like myself, who will settle for the closest friendship possible, even if romance is out of the question. For these, it is important to let them know how much you value their friendship, and to be very clear about how close you would like to be. In some cases it may be appropriate to set boundaries / rules for the relationship (ie, “I don’t mind if you call me as often as once a week, but no more than that”). The saddest thing in these cases is when the flame cuts the friendship because they feel uncomfortable.

In the second category are those who can’t bear to be “just friends”. Unless they get over it, the friendship is doomed, and there’s nothing to be done about it. The best you can do is be polite and firm.

The worst I can remember is when after asking someone out, they automatically assumed that everything I said and did was motivated by a desire to get together, despite evidence to the contrary. Needless to say, the friendship disappeared in a yawning gulf of discomfort, and almost took several other friendships with it.

Now THAT was a nice turn of phrase.

Erm, eh, (frantically tries to contribute), yeah, the simple and quick and honest, erm, thingy. :smiley:

The time I have been on the receiving end concerned a lady I LOVED talking to in grad school–before/during/after class–and she responded to me. I asked her out, and she told me directly that she really liked talking “shop” with me, but didn’t think we were date material. I was actually grateful for a direct and simple answer, and our talks and relationship continued throughout our classes together.

Total awkward time: about 60 seconds.

Nice.

–jack
now how to work “friendship disappeared in a yawning gulf of discomfort” into my next conversation with someone I am trying to impress…

Here’s a twist to think about - at least in some cases: For some, the one you cast aside could really have been the best thing to have ever happened to you. Instead, you outcast the one so close and chase after some elusive dream mate only to learn what a scumbag they really are. And then, you can spend the rest of your life wondering about what might have been.

Sure, this scenario may not be true for all. Some relationships just won’t work. Yet, others you are simply too afraid to admit that there’s something good there. Just don’t come crying when you discover your perfect dream mate is a lying, cheating hound.

You never know, but you think you’re so sure it’ll be so picture-perfect with your Mr. Right. A friend of mine who has held some high positions with some top-notch organizations said: You find out that the ivory tower you idolized was nothing more than an old weathered post painted white. The same may apply to many in the dating game. And then, you’ll go trying to get back to Mr. Left, but it just may be too late. So, just be careful what cards you discard in the poker game of love…and discard gently unless you have just cause to chew someone out. - Jinx