What to say when a friend is in pain.

I wish I knew what to do or say.

A cousin of mine is grieving. His eighteen year old daughter has been arrested for felony theft. Her maternal grandmother bailed her out, after her paternal grandmother(my aunt) refused to do so.

My cousin has tried to raise her right. But he was divorced from her mother when she was a little girl. He had custody, because the mother had a failed suicide attempt after the divorce that left her an invalid. He remarried later,(a wonderful woman) and has a son the same age as my nephew. I learned that the girl had, up until she graduated from high school last year, been in therapy, but I guess it didn’t work. She started college but dropped out and never went home.

I love my cousin dearly, and before this had some talk with him in which I tried to look for a silver lining. He’s trying to go the “tough love” route now, because nothing else has worked, but it’s eating him up. He’s religious, and will probably be getting some advice there, but I don’t know what, if anything, I should say.

The best I’ve been able to come up with is waiting a little while, and maybe sending a note(he’s a couple hours away), saying I’m thinking of him and the whole family. What must her little brother think? I want them all to be well and happy again, and I’m afraid for the daughter and what she’s done with herself.
It’s a mess, and so is this post, but if any of you Dopers have face a similar situation I can use all the advice you have to give.

At the risk of sounding platitudinous:

She is able to make her own choices, and she has been told what some of those choices will lead to. If she is ever to learn to rely on herself and accept responsibility for her life and actions, she has to face her consequences. There is a point where her life as your child ends and her life as an adult begins, and this is it. I know it is very difficult to watch her fall apart, but she is the only one who can save herself. You can stand by her, give her encouragement and tell her you love her, but she must stand on her own.

Vlad/Igor