First off - if anyone seeing this thread is feeling like they might hurt themselves, here is the number for the National Suicide Prevention hotline from the US 1-800-273-TALK (8255) . Please call them. They would love to talk to you.
A friend of my teenage relative just killed themselves. I don’t know what to say about it. I’ve struggled with suicidal feelings all my life. Should I mention that? I feel like all my options would make it worse.
What can I do for her?
I think it’s not always about saying something so much as it is about listening.
Just be there for them and let them know that you are someone who will listen and will take their feelings and concerns seriously.
Hug, listen and hug more.
How sad this is.
Listen more, talk less. Right.
I want to fix this but that’s not what it needs.
I believe your instinct is very much correct: no, don’t mention it.
Although it might not be a bad idea to let your relative know that he/she can talk to you if they feel like they may do something drastic, and that they can approach you without fear of judgment.
You can always say “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m sorry to hear that news”
Then offer to listen if she feels a need to talk.
If she wants to talk - listen.
Correct. Actually, it’s not fixable. That’s part of the pain of suicide for the survivors.
Probably best you don’t mention that you’ve felt suicidal yourself. You don’t want to frighten her or make her worry she might soon have another such loss to deal with. Let her express her feelings without judgement or attempt at explanation.
If she’s already aware of your depression or whatever might be related to these things, she might avoid you. Be there, be an ear, if she asks you about your experience just tell her it can be a real struggle but that you are glad that she is here and willing to talk to you. Keep letting her talk or cry. If she needs some extra love that you can’t give her, take her to visit the zoo or the arboretum so she can be surrounded by life that does not appear troublesome.
I put off responding to this because it brought back painful memories of students I knew during my HS teaching career who ended their own lives, but then I told myself not to be such a wimp.
First of all, if she hasn’t already contacted you to talk about this or if you haven’t been her confidant, being willing to listen is meaningless. The best you can do is say, “It’s a shitty deal. I’ve been there (if you’ve had friends/loved ones who’ve killed themselves). Please know you can talk to me any time. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll check back with you.” (Don’t just leave her with the responsibility of contacting you.)
It helps a lot if you two are DOING something when you talk about it, even if it’s just skipping rocks in the lake. Do NOT tell her at this time that you’ve been suicidal most of your life. While you wouldn’t intend it that way, it would be a burden for a teen who’s just lost someone else she may (wrongly) feel she let down.
If you’ve lost loved ones this way, you can tell her about how you felt as a way of showing her you empathize. Don’t shy away from talking about how angry you were, or how you blamed yourself. And ask questions: Why do you think X did this? What else could X have done? A lot of people get angry at the person how died or at themselves. Do you?
And even if she doesn’t open up, do bring this up a few weeks or months down the road. Grief is a long process, and after the first week or two, the expressions of sympathy trail off. If you two haven’t been close confidants, just tell her you know she’s probably still dealing with the grief and reiterate your willingness to talk. If you’re close, find or make an opportunity to talk again.
One last thing: if she doesn’t want to talk, that’s OK. She may have talked herself out at school and/or at home. The most important thing is to tell her how important she is to you, and how normal her feelings are.
I hope this helps.
A friend of my daughter died by suicide when she was 17. They weren’t close, but they’d known each other since 1st grade, were in Girl Scouts and other activities together. We went to the wake and then the funeral which were the most painful I ever attended, and my daughter who isn’t much of a hugger or hand-holder reached out and held my hand during both of these.
So one thing you could do is support your relative through the grieving rituals, maybe by attending any of the memorials with her (if you feel up to it and you live close enough) or somehow contributing with a card or picture or poem or song.
Thank you all very much for your suggestions. I hadn’t thought of the funeral, yet. I don’t go to funerals for my own reasons but I could go to this one if she wanted me to.
I also like the point of doing something when I talk to her. That might avoid the Very Special Episode feeling of bringing it up. And it would give her an easy diversion.
I really appreciate all the suggestions.