I wonder if any Dopers could give me their thoughts on how, as a parent, I can help my 15 year old daughter deal with the fact that one of her closest friends committed suicide over the weekend. It’s hit her extremely hard, (and me also, of course). What a tragic, tragic loss of life. She was such a gorgeous girl with so much ahead of her.
Anyway any hints or points of discussion would be greatly appreciated.
Suicide is such a bizarre thing because it leaves a gaping hole that everyone wants to fix. It also leaves a lot of people (parents especially) looking for someone to blame. When I was in high school, a guy I knew killed himself. I wasn’t close friends with him, but I knew him. When we heard that he had shot himself, I suddenly remembered that the previous day he’d been wearing a shirt that read “Nine out of ten children prefer crayons to guns”. Just the thought of that was enough to make me feel awful for days to come.
Anyway, I think the best way to deal with it is just to look at it for what it is. Some people take that way out of life. Period. I don’t think it really helps to talk about “God’s plan” or “Everything happens for a reason”. I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is to be there for her, and to listen when and if she’s ready to talk. I hope she’s okay. Good luck.
My sympathies. 
It is indeed tragic when teens kill themselves, because (for me at least) being a teen was the low point in my life and getting older has turned my outlook on life around so much.
One thing I would definitely address with her is how you want her to talk to you about it if she ever feels depressed or suicidal herself.
When I was in high school, there was a scary period where several students committed suicide within a few weeks of each other apparently due to a “copycat” effect. That’s why I would say you want to try to keep an eye on her and let her know you’re there for her if she is having trouble.
Other than that, I agree with the idea of just letting her tell you how she’s feeling.
How terrible
When I was 14 my English teacher, who I adored, was killed a week before school let out for the summer. Not suicide.
I remember vividly wanting to be LEFT ALONE. The night we found out I wanted my mom to go away and let me watch TV by myself and sort my thoughts … and of course she wouldn’t.
If your kid wants to talk, talk. If she doesn’t, let her be. Every now and then mention her friend, like “Oh I remember how she used to _________” – you know, funny she used to do. Don’t quit talking about her just because she’s gone.
snoopyfan your post reminded me of a short story called “The Metaphor” by…I think it was by ‘Budge Wilson’. Ever read it?
Nope, never heard of it Teelo but now that you’ve got me curious I guess I’ll have to go find it online somewhere …
wendyrules,
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter’s friend. I am a librarian and my library has a huge collection of grief books, so I pulled a few off the shelf that I thought might be helpful.
I have 2 recommendations for books that might be helpful for your daughter and for you. The 1st is “When a friend dies : A book for teens about grieving and healing” by Marilyn E. Gootman.
The 2nd is “The power to prevent suicide : A guide for teens helping teens” by Richard E. Nelson and Judith Galas. (It explains the causes of suicide and has some helpful information for those who have lost friends to suicide.)
They are both sometimes available in bookstores and libraries, but are also easy to order online.
They are published by Free Spirit Publishing and can be purchased at :
http://www.freespirit.com/
Sending you and your daughter good thoughts,
-Snowcarpet
In 2000, my son and his wife entered into a suicide pact. He died, she didn’t. I’ve just recently been able to talk about it. His wife was critically ill for several weeks. When she left the hospital, she came to live with us. I think having her to care for did help me through some of it.
We talked a great deal during the time she was recovering. She told me she couldn’t think of why that day was any worse than any other. She also said they never thought about how it would effect the people who cared about them. In fact, they decided to take the cat with them so he wouldn’t starve.
I will never be who I once was. My heart will never heal. I never felt anger toward either of them. I think I’ve come to a point of relative acceptance. I still miss him every day.
One thing I never expected was how callous some people can be. Their landlord lived 2 doors away. He looked to my son for support and validation. On the day of the memorial service, he called to ask when we would get their “crap” out so he could rent the appartment. Their rent was paid, and my d-i-l wasn’t dead. They paid no heed. one week later, they put all their things in a dumpster. That hurts still. I have so little to hold him here. I have a bit of his art work, but nothing else.
A close friend of mine, who has been HIV positive for over 20 years, when I told him, his response was “Well, good for him.” He also told me about a month later that I was acting differently and to snap out of it. I told him I would never “snap out of it” I haven’t heard from him since.
Many of my friends and aquaintances avoided me for several months after. I’m sure it was because they simply didn’t know what to say. Unfortunately, I truly needed my friends. I don’t know what I would have done had Alpha (my husband, the alpha pup) not been by my side through everything.
I know this is rambling and long, and no tvery informative, but its good to get it out.
Mary
Huge thankyous to all of you, for your wise words, kind words and wonderful information. Also, for the books available. I will go to my library and see if I can get them.
Thankfully, my daughter and I have always had a very open and honest relationship. We have talked since hearing of this tragedy for hours and hours. We have, at times, simply just held each other crying. (I’m crying now, as I’m typing this).
Other than the natural worry that my daughter may contemplate similar thoughts, the hard thing I also find is the fact that I can see her hurting just so much and there is nothing I can do to take that pain away from her. I guess it will just have to take time.
Picunurse, my heart sincerely goes out to you, also. What a terrible thing you’ve had to endure.
Anyway, thanks again, all of you, for taking the time and effort to respond and help.