Lobsang’s poll on the importance of your SO’s religion/lack thereof and Dinsdale’s thread on what you and your SO disagree about got me thinking about the criteria I had before getting married. And it made me wonder if other people had lists of what they were looking for in a long-term SO or a future spouse. I’m looking for a list of criteria you had and a sense of how important it was (e.g. “wouldn’t marry anyone who doesn’t meet this” or “would be nice but isn’t necessary”) and reasons for the criteria if you want to share those.
My criteria for my now-husband:
Must not want kids. This was non-negotiable.
Must like cats. Also non-negotiable as I had two fuzzbutts who I wouldn’t give up.
Must be at least somewhat sociable. I’d dated someone in the past who has no local friends after 8 years of living in his current location. I can’t live like that. I need friends, and I need to be with someone who’s on board with going out with other people.
Should balance the sociability with some homebody-ness. I want to be out doing stuff maybe twice a week, but then I want to be home the other nights, and it’s nice that my husband’s home too and we can have dinner together.
Similar values on money - I think I balance saving and spending pretty well, and I didn’t want to marry either a tightwad or a spendthrift. And he had to be on board with NO CREDIT CARD DEBT.
Similar religious/political values. We aren’t lockstep, but I wouldn’t want to be with anyone fanatical on either side.
Similar culture. I went to engineering school so I had a lot of guy friends (3:1 male:female ratio), and a lot from other cultures. Two of them - one Chinese and one Turkish - accused me of being unwilling to date other races. While I think that’s a little unfair, I did want to spend my life with someone who celebrates Christmas and other such holidays. And someone who’d had a similar upbringing and background. Maybe that means I’m not as open-minded as someone who has a cross-cultural marriage, but this is my life. It’s not up to someone else to decide that I have to be open to marrying someone from a different culture. I have to respect and be polite to others (which I think having two friends who were close enough to make that kind of accusation attests to), but I do not have to marry them. (I’m still a little miffed about those accusations if you can’t tell. ;))
There were others too, but I’m sounding picky enough already! And I’m interested to see what other people thought was non-negotiable in picking an SO.
[QUOTE=taxi78cab;11641348 And it made me wonder if other people had lists of what they were looking for in a long-term SO or a future spouse. [/QUOTE]
I didn’t really have a list. Don’t think she did either. Don’t know that either of us were really looking for marriage. We met in law school. She went out with a couple of my friends. We started going out in October of our 2d year, were engaged by the following April, and married that August.
So in our case, it was pretty much just that once we had started going out, it was pretty clear that here was a person we could spend the rest of our lives with - as opposed to all of the relationships we had had before. And I guess we were at a point in our lives where we could actualy thik about getting married and didn’t really need to wait.
I’m not sure either of us really proposed. Instead, I remember us talking one day about what we each wanted interms of our lifestyles, family, etc. And when we realized how similar our views were, we pretty much just decided, “Well, why don’t we get married?”
But if we were to compile a list, I think the main thing would be respect for each other intellectually. We both consider ourselves to be pretty smart, and we have well-thought out and pretty consistent views on most social/political/financial issues. I don’t recall that we made a big point out of identifying each other as nontheists. But I believe such a rational approach influences many other aspects of one’s persona.
At the point we were both broke students, tho i had proven myself more financially irresponsible than she - bouncing checks and the like. We both partied - me more than she. She got better grades than me.
Hell, who am I fooling. I’m sure she married me for my dog at the time - Bowser - the best dog ever!
The only thing my wife and I had in common when we met was music. We were, and remain, big Kate Bush fans. We actually met through a newspaper ad, “Kate Bush fan with records, videos, wants to meet other fans to buy, trade.” She wrote me, I called her, we met (at a record store), hit it off, and have been together ever since - 27 years.
What is astounding is that we managed to be a perfect fit together in every other area. Our politics are the same, we both love cats (she also loves dogs, but we live in an apartment), we have similar views on religion (she’s atheist, I’m agnostic), we’re both introverts, are very sexually compatible, and our idea of a perfect night is going out to a movie or a concert. I’m not sure if we started out perfectly compatible, or if it’s the result of growing together and accommodating the other so well that we never noticed each other changing. After 27 years, who could tell? I know we’ll be together until one or the other of us drops.
I wish she didn’t want pets but my wife had us get cats a couple of times. Put a lot of strain on the marriage
wants to live in the same place I do. This is important because all the jobs I’ve ever applied for have been far from where I lived. Just the nature of the field
Kids or not? That’s up to her. Turned out we had two, but no pressure from me either way.
Pretty and happy to get dressed up to go out, but not always wearing makeup or expensive clothes at home. Not high maintenance
basically happy, only sad or angry for specific reasons on separate occasions
“into me” and vice versa in a big way
likes to travel and sight-see for vacations, not lie on the beach or camp in one spot for a week
In no particular order although #1 was pretty important
Good sense of humor-finds similar things funny that I do
Good with money/similar approach to money
Intelligent
Takes care of herself physically and mentally
Attractive/Cute
Sexual/Sensual
Caring/Loving/Affectionate/Romantic
Someone I could be comfortable around as we got older
Outgoing and not shy
In my wife I found all of these. She is a great match for me and I have zero complaints about my marriage. I often read the threads here about peoples relationships and count my lucky stars.
Kind, curious, and tolerant of me. Also, needs to be someone that impresses me and that is impressed with me in turn–but there are all sorts of ways a person can be impressive. I was never picky about which particular things were impressive, just so long as something was.
I found that while mentally trying to prepare a list that I am building a list around what I like about my SO, not a list I had before hand. I don’t see many (I didn’t say all!) people on the board meeting that special someone, but tragically walking away to sad music in the background because they did not meet “#7 must roll toilet paper with an overhang”.
That could explain why most (all?)of the people here with lists are with someone.
I agree with what ShelliBean said and also note that we’re hitting on the big issues on these lists, not “he squeezes the toothpaste tube wrong.” If we don’t agree on the kids issue, there’s no way we’re going to have a successful marriage. If we had completely different personalities (e.g. one person wants to go out all the time and the other’s a complete homebody), we wouldn’t have a very good marriage. So for me it was knowing myself well enough to know what I needed to be compatible with someone.
Also, in addition to my list above, my husband and I also
both don’t drink, just because we don’t like the taste of alcohol
both enjoy cooking
both love animals
like to travel and have balanced vacations (i.e. not lying around at the beach the whole time but not killing ourselves trying to see everything in an entire city in 24 hours)
want to live in the same general area
both have similar educational backgrounds
Sometimes you do get lucky and find someone you have a whole lot in common with. Not that we agree on everything - we have different senses of humor; we’re into different tv/movies; he’s into music and I’m not. But for me, it was really important that we agree on the big stuff, and I think that having that foundation in common gave us a good start on a strong marriage.
Must read books without pictures.
Must not cheat on me.
Must actually want to spend time with me.
Can’t smoke…would have been too much temptation, as I’d just quit!
That, pared down, was essentially it. Other bits are negotiable.
Most people without lists are lousy first dates. They just assume someone else is going to be like them without checking first. The other person of course is the same way, since they made the date, but that doesn’t mean they will have enough in common to make it past the hors d’oeuvre before they decide to get a headache and split.
