Anything on thiswebsite[kinda NSFW]
One year I have my brother a cookie jar made of plastic and shaped and painted like a policeman. When you open the lid up, it says: “step away from the cookie jar”. My brother was always fond of “step away from” in real authoritarian voice thingy, and I thought it was funny. Plus, he is super skinny and can eat all the crap he might want to. He doesn’t want to. That, and his compulsive exercising are why he is skinny. Anyway, a few years later the cookie jar had made its way to my Dad’s much older brother, who got tired of it, so Dad brought it to me in a bag on Xmas morning along with gifts and says my Uncle wants me to have it. My brother is sitting right there looking really guilty, so I opened up the top a number of times to get the voice and break the mood.
Ooooh, a space age mop! Yes, that’s an easy mistake to make.
You think “Cool new gadget!”
Recipient thinks: “So, what are you trying to tell me?”
Several spring to mind:
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For my birthday, a coworker gave me a magnetic photo holder. You put the picture in it, and it stands up by itself. I don’t have many pictures, I don’t show many pictures, and since I work with computers, I never use magnets.
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After I bought my laptop, my wife got me a rolling laptop bag. I need a rolling bag because of back issues, but the laptop roller was too small. It could only fit my laptop and accessories. Anyone who’s used a rolling backpack (or suitcase) knows that driving 2 of them isn’t easy. I made her return it.
They had a string attached, I guess? I’m not personally experienced with them, but that seems to be the only obvious visual difference between Ben Wa balls and Baoding balls, which are indeed used as hand exercisers.
For our wedding, my wife and I got 8 (you read that right … eight) salt-and-pepper shakers, and 12 (uh huh … twelve) sets of kitchen utensils (wooden spatulas and stirring spoons). We can only imagine that people thought, “There is no way in Hell this marriage is going to last, so we don’t want to spend a lot of money on a wedding gift. Let’s see … what can we get for $5?”
The salt-and-pepper shakers weren’t even anything cool, collectible, or noteworthy. At least one of them already had salt and pepper in them, which meant the giver was spared the burden of actually buying us a gift. But on the other hand, hey, we didn’t need to buy salt or pepper for the first few months of our marriage.
The MrsArrgh and I celebrate our 27th year of marriage this summer!
Hot pink lace lingerie. When I was 14. From one of my best (female) friends. Who was a fundamentalist Christian.
I had no idea what the message of that gift was supposed to be. Repressed lesbian lust?
But…but…baby’s ARE chick magnets! Women of all ages flock to them to coo over them and tickle them and cuddle them! I think it’s cute!
My ex-mother-in-law once gave me a gigantic hot pink nylon house-dress type nightgown with huge purple flowers all over it. Not only was it hideously ugly,and huge, but it was the exact nightgown worn by a character on Hill Street Blues a few months before…an incredibly obese woman who was earning a living as a phone-sex operator. I don’t know if MIL watched the show, but I was insulted that she not only was making a comment about my gaining weight (I was pregnant!) but this thing was gigantic and ugly. For my next pregnancy, she gave me a men’s 3XL sweat suit. Meant for a man about 6’5" tall…I’m 5’4".
A three pack of tighty whities from my former mother in law.
I tried to look thrilled.
I’m another one who’s MIL has a real “gift” for this (har har).
She has done the give me a mop thing…twice. She’s given me a diet book, and clipped out articles about diets for me. (Thanks, C…I know I’m overweight–no need for your oh-so-subtle hints, thanks!)
Took a trip to Scotland and brought us back a statue of Mel Gibson.
Clothes that don’t fit, clothes that would look good on an eighty-year-old woman, clothes that are just plain butt-ugly.
My favorite, though, was the jigsaw puzzle of wild birds that she glued together then put in a cheap plastic frame for my birthday, along with a helpful hint of where in my house to hang it. One of those things you’d have to see to get it, but trust me this thing was just ugly and tacky, tacky, tacky. But if she’s ever noticed we haven’t hung it up, she’s never said so.
I feel bad criticizing because my in-laws are so generous, but honestly sometimes I wish they were much less so.
I’ll give you an answer to this pressing question shortly.
I’ll be in my bunk…
Yup, exactly.
The item wasn’t tacky to begin with but whether or not my SIL gave it to me in good faith or not was never determined. For a long time she felt the need to give everyone a Christmas present, whether they needed it or not. Thoughtful gifts aren’t necessary, just gifts.
I received a breadmaker. I’m sure it was nice. I never used it though, I’m a celiac. WTF was she thinking? When I asked for the receipt to return it, she claimed she had lost it. I’m actually pretty sure that it was a Black Friday early-bird special that she bought because she could. Then she determined that I could use it because I like to cook.
But I’m a fricken celiac! No wheat, no rye, no yeast for me. What was she thinking? She obviously wasn’t.
When we sold the house, I left it, still in the original box, on the kitchen counter with a bow on it. I hope the new homeowners got some use out of it.
That may well be true, but it is hardly tactful to remind one’s daughter-in-law of the fact. 
Quoth Dogzilla:
I’m pretty sure my mom makes an apple-jalapeno jelly, so you’re not completely alone. She won’t handle anything hotter than that, though, so she’s probably not competition.
Back to the topic, my dad’s had some whoppers. For instance:
One year he gave my mom a hundred-pound bag of cake flour. Now, if it had been all-purpose flour, she’d have been able to use it up eventually (after a few years, maybe), but do you have any idea how few things there are you can do with cake flour? Most cake recipes don’t even use it.
One time he got me a DVD of some sort of Christian time-travel movie, about a guy who travels through time to fight the agenda of the evil secular humanists. I was able to make it through about five minutes before the terrible acting, worse script, and horrible production values in general became too painful.
Another time, my sister decided not to take the risk on his own judgment, and specifically told him what she wanted for herself (a power tool of some sort; I don’t remember exactly) and her first and at the time only daughter (a Bear in the Big Blue House DVD). Well, Dad’s the sort who’s constitutionally incapable of comprehending the notion of a gal (in Dad’s mind, humanity is divided into “men” and “gals”) using power tools, so the box containing the tool in question showed up under the tree, with a label to “<niece>'s younger brother”. And the DVD proved to be a Veggie Tales DVD that my niece already had, since Dad didn’t know what sort of values Bear in the Big Blue House promoted, and how in the world was he supposed to know that they already had that one?
That Christmas was the last time my sister ever agreed to see Dad.
Would you ship to the UK?
My mother is good for these.
Horrible brown corderoy pants. 25 years after I stopped wearing such things and threw a fit telling her never to buy them for me again. I literally stopped, said “Have you seen me wear these things in my entire adult life?” and then handed them back and asked her to return them. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, mom, but really now.
A pen shaped like a syringe. I left it on the table when I went home. I hate needles, I hate hard drugs, don’t give me something like that.
A gold running suit. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? I don’t run, I’ve never run, I certainly do not wear sweat pants or running clothing. Then a solid gold running suit? Geez, where’s the gold chain, hair gel and fake spray on tan stuff to go along with it? So not me. I ended up leaving it in a drawer for about a year until I decided that I may as well just throw it away.
If it were life-sized, or at least a lifesize movie-cutout, I’d have it prominently displayed just for the randomness factor.
I was visiting relatives in another state over the holidays and got a gift so I wouldn’t feel left out.
I was a pre teen and the small box was kind of heavy.
Wow, cool, I thought , this has to be tools!
It was a bag of unpopped popcorn.
I now have one of the most surreal images ever to be engendered by a Dope thread: a stick protruding from the ground, to which is tied a string, which tethers a kite blowing in the wind. Protruding from the lee side of the kite is a Dali-esque aquiline nose, complete with large ugly black nose hairs emerging from the nostrils. 