What you all don’t know about me is that I used to be known as Milhouse when I was 20.
Actual question? It’s not super interesting, or anything. Also, at this point, I’m clearly sharing to the point where these ladies will positively identify me if they read this. And then maybe they’ll scan my posting history, and notice all those posts about sheep. So maybe I should dial it back…
:eek:
Oh, well. Too late already, then.
It was probably the most drama-free breakup I’ve had. It was so benign that I didn’t even notice that it happened. You know how I said Amber always felt like the second priority? Well, as it turns out, that included in my case. Not to other girls, but to me travelling with my friends, doing other things, and, like, moving to an entirely different city. But hey, it was that time in one’s life. I had places to be, and things to do. And then she had places to be and things to do. I did inform her that if she wanted to, like, enjoy the company of other gentlemen, that was cool. I didn’t really feel like I should be the sole provider of her entertainment at that point. It didn’t seem in either our best interests. So she did.
And then I returned from some weird-ass trip at one point, and went to see her. I was really not sure what the deal was at that stage, so I asked her. And she was like, “WTF are you talking about? We broke up, remember?” And I realized that, oh right, I guess we did. Makes sense.
Then we had a cuddle and a sleepover. Hung out for a bit. And then we got on with our lives.
ETA: Hang on a minute. I think this might mean that I dumped her. I’ve always thought of it as her dumping me. That’s interesting. I didn’t even realize until now. I wonder how she sees it. Heck, it really did mean to dump her. Sorry, Amber.
Aarhg! Make that: I really DIDN’T mean to dump her. DIDN’T.
Unless that was a weird Freudian slip. No, it wasn’t! Wait, are there any “I really did lust after Milhouse” typos in this thread, where I meant to say “didn’t”?
Yikes. This didn’t inadvertently become a story about my secret crush on Milhouse, and my shoddy treatment of Amber, did it?
Because it isn’t. Amber and I were close. We were together, and later we were still friends. I’ve thought about her a lot. Milhouse is and was acquaintance-level. The time I ever spent with Milhouse without Amber being in the same room was probably seconds, and those weren’t even super exiting seconds. The total time was rather more, but that was because she was affixed at the metaphorical hip to Amber. By now, she probably barely remembers me. I remember her rather more clearly, sure. But so does everyone. She did make impressions.
This thread makes me realize that one of my life rules could use a bit of refinement. Here’s the original rule: *If you are ever in a situation where you are totally at a loss for words, probably you should say “I’m sorry”, “thank you”, or “how can I help?”
*
It’s actually a pretty good rule, but now I’m thinking the complete list of answers should be:
I’m sorry.
Thank you.
How can I help?
You’re right.
(in a tone of bewilderment) Why would you say a thing like that?
Interesting.
Mmm-hmmm.
Tell me more.
I’m guessing there are very few circumstances in life where one of the above is not an appropriate response to an awkward or emotion-laden comment. But the original list was pithier.
I use the “Thank You” response a lot when it doesn’t really fit the conversation. Throws people for a loop, and makes them pause, which is kind of what you are going for.
The response you didn’t mention is no response at all. Silence. IMHO one of the best ways to get a conversation going a different direction. Silence when negotiating has probably earned me tens of thousands of dollars over my adult life. Maybe more.
ETA and to Martian Bigfoot, a beautiful OP. Thank you 
Actually, that might have worked pretty well, as a combo, with some contextual adjustment.
“You’ll never have sex with Milhouse!”
“I’m sorry? (surprised.) Um, thank you. (confused.) How I can I help? (concerned.)”
I used to worry about that kind of thing, now I’d just respond however makes sense to me in the moment - maybe I make a joke of it, maybe I ask for an explanation, maybe I say ‘yeah, but wouldn’t it be great if I did’, maybe I turn it around and ask ‘do you think you will?’. If someone is going to make a weird comment about me not having sex with someone else, then get mad if I don’t figure out the ‘right’ answer and start a big argument that maybe goes to the point of dumping me, then I’d rather break up sooner rather than later. I’ve done the walking on eggshells thing before and it gets exhausting, plus I’m not good at those kind of dramatic games so I’ll get one ‘wrong’ before too much longer even if I try.
Yeah. Nowadays, I’d be inclined to respond “f*** you”.
But that sure as heck wouldn’t have been the right thing to say, either. Because she wasn’t looking to start a fight, was she? And I don’t think it was a test. I was just scared of triggering a fight by blurting out something dumb. And that fight would have been my fault.
And I know you’re all sick and tired of me calling it oracular. But now it seems a bit like that again. It means something. So I’m not supposed to figure out what to say. I’m supposed to figure out what the statement means.
So the right thing to say would have been: “What does that mean?”
To which she would have responded: “I’m just telling you. So you don’t need to think about that anymore. Wanna watch TV?”
But then I would have thought about it more, regardless. Not the sex part. But the “what does the statement mean” part. Which might have been constructive. Or pointless. I’m not really sure.
Oddly (no clap of thunder though) the line that came into my head was: “Maybe so. Let’s go get a burger.”
The only problem is that I would be dishonest if the topic is not actually interesting. But my conscience is perfectly clear when I say “Mm”, no matter what the circumstances.
But I wouldn’t say “fuck you” in that situation, the only reason I can see to say “fuck you” is if you think that she is just playing some kind of game. What I’m saying I’d do is presume that there is no game, she’s not actually looking for a “right” answer and just go with whatever comes to mind as a response without worrying about ‘this might cause a fight’.
Also, I wouldn’t accept the blame for a fight in that situation. Blowing up at someone for not responding ‘properly’ to a weird statement is on the person blowing up as far as I’m concerned.
That is, admittedly, a huge problem for me if I’m not genuinely interested.
I mean, it’s bound to happen someday, I guess.