What would "giving up" look like for you?

In My Humble Opinion
21

[QUOTE=tremorviolet]
Man, this scares the crap out of me 'cause I could see myself falling into it fairly easily. I’ve already pretty much given up on dating and I fall asleep on the couch way too often.
[/QUOTE]
Curling away from the world is so insidious because it masks as simple fatigue. “I’m tired! I don’t want to go out.” Sometimes you are tired. And sometimes it’s your brain knocking the props out from under you. I fight against that every day: the tiredness, the little voice in the back of my head that says “you’re unworthy”. It’s so easy to give up.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that one of the main memories I have of my father is of him asleep on the couch.

But I have discovered that taking a vitamin/mineral supplement helped me a LOT. I became less groggy and more awake. I have a theory that I was micromalnourished.

The other thing that helps is exercise, even though it’s sometimes excruciatingly-difficult to get over that hump of inertia and actually get out the door to go to the gym.

And I’m starting to be able to tell the difference between ‘real’ tireness and the kind of groggy ‘fake tiredness’ that steals the day away. I experience real tiredness after physical exercise, and I go to sleep fast and wake up alert. Fake tiredness? I can remain in a half-sleep all day, no matter how much I’ve done that day (usually not a lot), and my daily rhythm goes all to pieces. And no matter how much I sleep, I want to sleep more.

22

[QUOTE=tdn]
Welcome back to the living, and hugs.
[/QUOTE]
Yes indeed, Litoris.

23

[QUOTE=tremorviolet]

But, I’m way too vain and shallow to let my appearance go. That would be truly giving up for me, wearing crappy, shapeless clothing, horrible shoes like Crocs, and ceasingly to care about my weight and grooming.
[/QUOTE]

I once said this. Literally, I used to not even go to the mailbox without makeup, nails and hair done. Not that I was vain, but I was very much the glam-girl. Giving up is just that – giving up. I don’t think it’s something you do conciously – you know, wake up one morning and say “self, let’s just say fuck it and die a slow death.” It’s something that happens slowly. You stop caring if you get a date with that hot guy at $tarbucks. Then you figure fuck it, who cares if you ever date again at all. Next thing you know, it’s “I’m not gonna get a date, why bother wearing makeup?” until one day, you realise that you aren’t even you anymore. Or maybe you don’t realise it – because you have completely given up.

You do need to get out more.

Again, thanks guys – I am an attention whore, so ya know, I love the compliments :smiley:

ETA – Sunspace, I could have written your posts. I know what you’re talking about in a very intimate way. Sometimes, it is really difficult to tell the fatigue from the tired from the fuck-the-world. I still struggle somedays with it.

24

Giving up is when you stop putting away your porn.

25

[QUOTE=Litoris]
I once said this. Literally, I used to not even go to the mailbox without makeup, nails and hair done. Not that I was vain, but I was very much the glam-girl. Giving up is just that – giving up. I don’t think it’s something you do conciously – you know, wake up one morning and say “self, let’s just say fuck it and die a slow death.” It’s something that happens slowly.
[/quote]
But sometimes it’s because of things that happen from outside as well.

My father was heartbroken after my mom divorced him. But he eventually found a second wife, and they were happy together. Then his daughter, my sister, died. Then his second wife died. Then my mom died. Then my aunt died.

I spent 15 years rebuilding myself from that. I think it hit my father more heavily to start with. And he had no referent for how to get out of it. It’s no wonder he walled himself up in his apartment and went hermit.

Sometimes, for me, the tendency toward giving up has been conscious. There have been a few times when I was walking down the street and if a mugger had approached me, I would have just rolled over and let him kill me. But no mugger appeared, and I continued on my way.

Or you look in the mirror one day and think, “I’m 44. How the hell did that happen?”

We can all use honest, real compliments. The difficulty is believing them.

26

I’ve completely given up before. I was able to pull myself out of it though. Actually it’s not fair to have called it completely given up, because I knew that at some point in the future that I’d be back in the game again.

I was living in Copenhagen with a shit job, and no prospects. I had a lease until July, and it became apparent to me sometime around mid-February, that with my skills, I would never get a real job in Denmark. The bureaucratic process was something that nobody was willing to go through. I actually had a job lined up, and a guy who wanted to train me and do all kinds of nice stuff for me, but it turned out that it wouldn’t eventually work that way, so after that I just kept plugging along. I was working in a job that I hated, which I eventually quit.

I then decided to work from home (big mistake) and did that for a while. I drank a lot, had very few friends, and even when I did go out, never understood really what the point was.

What is the point in talking to women? What am I going to say?

So, what do you do?
Nothing really…
Oh…

I didn’t really have to go through it too often to realize that I was a loser. But I never went all the way with it. After a month of depression and realizing that I would indeed have to return home, I began to make plans to come to New York and study computer science. But there was still a lot of time between then and now, so I essentially lived the “gave up” life. I went out with my few friends but never made many attempts to make new ones.

Eating? I didn’t eat any differently. I usually enjoy that. I would spend all day on the internet because there was literally nothing else to do…

Anyway, I got to experience it without feeling thoroughly worthless as a human being. I sort of always knew that things would get a lot easier once I came back to the US. New York is no cakewalk, to be sure, but the thing is that it’s easier than living in a foreign country, plus I’ve done the New York thing before so, I’m not totally new to it.

But I had a period where I was like, “I have absolutely nothing going on, and will not be able to change it for X amount of time” Thinking of the future wasn’t great, because I had so much stuff lined up in front of me. I’m just now finally getting it all together (apartment) the last thing I need to do is get a job, and I’ll be pretty happy.

But it’s been a long way from there to here. But if I were to completely give up? It’d probably look a lot like that time-period, only I don’t know how I’d get out. But that’s not in my nature to give up completely.

27

I must say, this is probably the best thread I’ve read on any message board ever. Touching, sometimes funny (Porn! Ha!), and deep. I laughed, I cried, I got inspired.

I heard a great (mis)quote a few weeks ago. Courage is not something you have. It’s not something you summon. It’s something you do. You don’t have courage. You do courage.

This summer was a bit hopeless for me. Don’t get me wrong, I had some great times, but they were empty calories. There was no nourishment from the fun.

But that was the old me. The new me is facing life from a position of inner strength. And I seem to have a boundless amount of it.

28

Merkwurdigliebe, working at home can be disastrous if you luive alone and need external social stimulus. I found that one out the hard way.
[QUOTE=tdn]
I heard a great (mis)quote a few weeks ago. Courage is not something you have. It’s not something you summon. It’s something you do. You don’t have courage. You do courage.
[/quote]
That’s …remarkable. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that expressed that way before.
:: makes note ::

Well, I’ve read some of your threads and been inspired. :slight_smile: And besides, it’s always good to read about someone making good. Weren’t you one of the ones who Got The Girl?

29

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
Curling away from the world is so insidious because it masks as simple fatigue. “I’m tired! I don’t want to go out.” Sometimes you are tired. And sometimes it’s your brain knocking the props out from under you. I fight against that every day: the tiredness, the little voice in the back of my head that says “you’re unworthy”. It’s so easy to give up.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that one of the main memories I have of my father is of him asleep on the couch.

But I have discovered that taking a vitamin/mineral supplement helped me a LOT. I became less groggy and more awake. I have a theory that I was micromalnourished.

The other thing that helps is exercise, even though it’s sometimes excruciatingly-difficult to get over that hump of inertia and actually get out the door to go to the gym.

And I’m starting to be able to tell the difference between ‘real’ tireness and the kind of groggy ‘fake tiredness’ that steals the day away. I experience real tiredness after physical exercise, and I go to sleep fast and wake up alert. Fake tiredness? I can remain in a half-sleep all day, no matter how much I’ve done that day (usually not a lot), and my daily rhythm goes all to pieces. And no matter how much I sleep, I want to sleep more.
[/QUOTE]

The thing is, superficially, I’m doing everything right. I play a sport and I have practice 3-5 times a week. I have an interesting job with much community involvement. I coach teenage kids. I have an excellent diet and take supplements (after finding out I was pretty severely anemic). I have lots of friends (tho’ not BFFs) and I generally go out or to a party once a week.

But, increasingly, I find myself making excuses so I can just go home, lie on the couch, and screw around on the internet. I come home from Saturday practice and waste the rest of the day napping on the couch. Sundays disappear and I’m often too lazy to go get food so I just don’t eat. I turn down invites for dinner and other activities. I’ve stopped studying Japanese which was once a passion in favor of more passive activities.

Urgh, sorry to ramble but this thread kinda brought together a whole bunch of things I’ve really been concerned about lately but haven’t really had the motivation to change. I don’t have any particularlong time goals and have been feeiling kinda “stuck”.

I think I reallly need to kick myself in the ass and make some major changes before I wake up and find out I’ve pissed away 25 years.

30

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
:: makes note ::Well, I’ve read some of your threads and been inspired. :slight_smile: And besides, it’s always good to read about someone making good. Weren’t you one of the ones who Got The Girl?
[/QUOTE]

Aw, shucks. :o

Got the girl? Not yet. I turned a couple of them down the other night, though. Total hotties.

That quote came from an unlikely source – a how to video on how to meet women. How did I aquire it? Long story short, oops.

It was geared towards single men, but I honestly think every man, woman, and child should be required to watch it. It’s incredibly powerful stuff. It’s an approach to self-help psychology that makes an enormous amount of sense.

31

tremorviolet, your problem might be one of two things.

  1. You’ve lost your magic. You can find it again.

  2. You’re growing older. It happens. I can’t party like I could when I was 21. I’d much rather sleep.

32

tremorviolet I’d say that you’re just going through a transitionary phase in life. We all get dragged down into the doldrums from time to time even though stuff is going well for us. Sometimes it takes a period of being in the dumps to remember how to get out.

I really recommend a book for your situation. It’s called Yes Man by a guy called Danny Wallace. It really changed my life in a very interesting way. It’s almost like a religious thing, except with the simple belief in positivity. Essentially the guy says “yes” to anything people ask of him. Of course he has to keep this a secret, but it leads him to some very interesting places and it also give him WAY more opportunities. He was in a similar situation to you in the beginning. He had loads of friends, but he just kept making excuses and never went out or did anything. He started saying “yes” all the time and it changed his life!

I don’t say “yes” all the time, but…saying “yes” when it’s uncomfortable to do so, because of the possibility that you might benefit from it is pretty cool. I’ve done it on several occasions and while I’ve never gotten a whole lot out of it, it’s still always been better than I’d originally imagined.

33

[QUOTE=Merkwurdigliebe]
[I really recommend a book for your situation. It’s called Yes Man by a guy called Danny Wallace. It really changed my life in a very interesting way. It’s almost like a religious thing, except with the simple belief in positivity. Essentially the guy says “yes” to anything people ask of him. Of course he has to keep this a secret, but it leads him to some very interesting places and it also give him WAY more opportunities. He was in a similar situation to you in the beginning. He had loads of friends, but he just kept making excuses and never went out or did anything. He started saying “yes” all the time and it changed his life!
[/QUOTE]

You know, that’s actually a really interesting comment because I’ve been thinking lately how my first reaction to anything is to say “no”. I was raised to be suspicious of new opportunities and approach new situations very cautiously. Hmmm…

Anyway, I hope I haven’t derailed the thread. Even tho’ it’s not the purpose of the OP, it’s great to hear about people who have overcome ennui and changed their lives…

34

[QUOTE=Merkwurdigliebe]
Essentially the guy says “yes” to anything people ask of him.
[/QUOTE]

Interesting! The video thing I referenced above instructs you to say no to everything. I’m guessing that at certain points in your life, you need to learn both.

35

Okay, last time I’ll mention Yes Man! but it’s a very entertaining read as well. The guy goes through loads of interesting scenarios and he realizes as he calls it “The Power of Yes.” I was crying I laughed so hard. Some of the dialogue bits are great. There is a sort of side-story that isn’t terribly interesting for me, but it’s all very good.

Here’s an example of a few things. He gets promoted through the ranks because he said, “yes” a lot at meetings. He was given success because he said yes a lot!

He ranked the difficulty levels

  1. Something you’d love to say yes to (Would you like free money?)
  2. Something that isn’t terribly difficult (Would you make me a cup of tea?)
  3. Something you’d seriously rather not do (Wanna go to that 5 AM mass after a night of hard boozing?)
  4. Something you’d absolutely never do (How about you go to this party on the other side of town where the only person you know hates your guts because you insulted them the last time they saw you? Also it is going to be a terrible party)
  5. This one I won’t spoil. Gottta read it to find out.
36

[QUOTE=Litoris]
Sunspace, I could have written your posts. I know what you’re talking about in a very intimate way. Sometimes, it is really difficult to tell the fatigue from the tired from the fuck-the-world. I still struggle somedays with it.
[/QUOTE]
:: nods ::
Been there, done that, don’t want the T-shirt. Maybe it was just needing to learn how to ‘get out of my head’ and better perceive my own physical state, but these distinctions were and are very subtle to me.

tdn, can you point me to that video?

tremorviolet, it sounds like you’re doing better than I am, out there in the world. :slight_smile:

What do you mean by BFF?

I’ve found that the lack of love, if you want love, can really undermine a person, and then you get into one of those nasty circular self-referential hate-yourself loops, and start pigging out on ice cream or mashed potatos or whatever your comfort food is, and the only way out is to shut your brain off and do something else: something non-mental, like exercise.

In a number of threads here, people have vented about not being able to find love. I think that, apart from learning details like being social, etc, somehow seekers need to disconnect emotionally from the results. This can be fiendishly-difficult (“Don’t think of a purple elephant!”). It aseems to me that the best way to meet people is to be involved is something else together.

I’m starting to understand a number of posters who look at North American “dating” protocols and say, “But I never dated! I just met my SO while we were at school/volunteering/on the barricades in front of a WTO meeting/making election signs/helping build a house/whatever…”

37

Huh. I guess it’s all learn to say yes if you can’t get off your ass and do things that will get you somewhere. Learn to say no if you can identify with a doormat.

38

[QUOTE=tdn]
Interesting! The video thing I referenced above instructs you to say no to everything. I’m guessing that at certain points in your life, you need to learn both.
[/QUOTE]
Interesting! :slight_smile: Maybe it’s about making your own conscious choices from your own strength, rather than just letting old patterns of fear or giving in dictate what you do…

39

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
tdn, can you point me to that video?
[/QUOTE]

It costs $250.

I’ll let the sticker shock sink in.

Over it? Good. It’s 5 payments of $50 each, with (here’s the best part) a 30 day free trial period.

Don’t let the hard sell big red fonts throw you. It’s really a decent product.

Deep Inner Game

No! Shocked, I tells ya.

40

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
What do you mean by BFF?
[/quote]

Oh, I just meant that I have a lot of superficial friends but not “best friend forever” types. I tend to keep myself kinda removed from others and don’t confide in people (friends or family).