One week update...I'm ok so far

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I had a good week: if you want the whole story here it is so far: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=19271319#post19271319

In fact in many ways it was very good. My kids had good classes at school. My band kids got a good mark. I got some compliments from teachers, and we had two music events at our school that went well this week. I kept up my exercise and I kicked butt at our dance night.

So all is good it seems. The book I read called “Mindset” really helped me alot. It focuses on two kinds. A fixed mindset where you think you can’t change or grow…and a growth mindset where you think you can learn and improve. I think I fell into the fixed mindset in some areas of my life (work…relationships). I focused on changing my mindset at work…and work went well.

But here’s Friday night staring me down. Many of my friends are going on dates. Or with their partners. I’m feeling the loneliness monster coming again. And I want to fight it off. I need some support. I don’t want to crash and nearly combust like last weekend. I tried to give blood earlier this week…they missed the vein so they sent me off. Dissapointing as I wanted to give.

Here’s my affirmations for tonight:

I keep myself healthy
I give to others
I’m a teacher
I take care of my family
I take on problems and try and solve them
I’m considerate and respectful
I like to have fun through music and dance
I take risks and explore life.

I’m a good person. I hope for company but if I don’t receive any this weekend then it’s ok…I don’t need affirmation…I can remind myself I’m valuable.

Maybe I’ll read a good book and drink coffee.

2

I’m glad you wrote in; I’ve been worried about you.

It sounds from the description of your week that you have more connections than the depression might be allowing you to recognize. You certainly sound more active and social than I am.

Keep in mind that there’s always company here (service outages notwithstanding).

3

I almost went to bed miserable, but then I thought of my book…and decided I’m not wasting my Friday. So I went to Salsa. And I had a good time. Saw some friends who invited me to come back. Thank god for social dance. It always picks me up when I feel like the walls are caving in.

4

Glad to see things improving for you and glad to see you taking the steps needed to make that happen. In fact was wondering how it was going for you all day today, as Tom said, been worried about you.

5

They are kind of improving…like this morning…I feel like I have some sadness that I’m holding back…trying to manage to keep it down. But I’m so far successful…is that good? Maybe I should just let it come and take me down for a few hours.

6

Um gosh Quasi, I dunno. This sort of thing is such a personal and individual thing in the fine details that its hard to say. For me personally, I would probably NOT let it go. Instead I would go out and do something WITH someone, sorta storing up happy feelings and memories for rumination later on in the evening. Heck a day of activities might even blend into an evening of activities that holds the good mood over till bedtime.

Seems like today might be one of those “one day at a time” days from my perspective.

7

This is where I think too much…like is being busy just distracting myself from my problems? I’m going to the gym tonight with a buddy. And am going just take of business around here today (taxes, maybe do some work). I may give blood if they can fit me in…I tried earlier in the week. They missed and sent me home. Rats. I’m going to try to get the ball rolling on a guitar that got broken a few weeks ago.

8

If it helps, this week my psychiatrist told me to focus on things that give me pleasure. It’s perfectly valid to shift your mind and activities to things that make you happy or even just keep you busy. Don’t worry about that too much. I think it’s a good sign that you can make choices and take action that “break” the depression cycle.

It sounds like you are making positive steps. Good job! :slight_smile:

9

I feel like venting a bit again…it’s an old rant but here goes. 11 years employed, fit, intelligent, reader. Enjoy dance / music activities. Hard worker…I’m always working on things. I’m good at my job. I go to church (monthly), I donate blood. I like being me and I am respectful and kind to others. I buy resources out of my own pocket for my kids. I give my carless friends rides. I gave a gift to my last dance partner. I donate to charity. I don’t smoke or do drugs. This sounds like a good resume right? I could just stay at home and play xbox…or drink…or not keep my place clean, or ignore my family…is that what works nowadays? I remember being as supportive as possible to the last person I was with and she just kept rejecting me. I bought her presents…and I listened…even when it was about me. Fuck…I don’t deserve to be alone. The world is fucked up. And the worst part is…I don’t want to change who I am. I like being me. Why should I have to change again? There’s nothing wrong with this. I made my life happy for the past three years. Societal values are crazy.

10

You’re right when you say you’re thinking too much. When you’re feeling really bad, thinking is NOT your friend. Churning, ruminating, going over and over the same territory… that doesn’t make you feel better, only worse.

Distraction isn’t necessarily the thing either if you do it constantly, but **momentary **distraction, particularly by some activity is good. For example, walking. The dance thing-- how I envy you that. There’s a dance club near me that I would love to go to, but I know I never will. You’re way ahead of me on that.

And next week, make a plan for how you will get through NEXT weekend. Don’t just let it sneak up on you and slap you upside the head. Make plans with someone or plan to do your grocery shopping then or go to the plant nursery and buy some stuff, even if it’s to make an herb garden in pots. When I was first a widow, weekends were the absolute worst! I had a message board that I visited constantly over those weekends.

What you must avoid doing, at all costs, is to judge, label, scold, beat up on yourself for all the ways your life hasn’t turned out the way you wanted it to. Or all the ways you wish things were different. Or even scolding yourself for being alone, feeling lonely, needing company, needing support. All human beings (and animals, too) need others. When I was a kid, my parents scorned me for wanting to love and be loved–they thought needing to be with others and to connect with others was a character flaw and weakness. That legacy has been my curse–I’ve spent many decades trying to scrape that off me, and I still get bogged down the way you do. When I’m a childless widow and all my friends are hauling out pictures of their grandchildren–I do not handle that very well. (That’s my personal “old rant.”)

Treat yourself with kindness. You’re hurting. Be kind. Shut down your scolding, judging thoughts with music, activity, chores, and create a personal mantra for yourself that you can play in your head over and over to drown out the useless painful thoughts. Something that you KNOW is true–no sunshine up your shorts, but something like, “This will pass,” “I can do this,” “I choose life,” or even (the one I use when I wake up in the night and can’t sleep), “I love myself.” I just say it over and over and over until I fall back asleep.

I wish you all the very best. Keep us posted, okay? And don’t be apologetic about it-- I, for one, want to know how you are doing. Hugs.

11

Thank you…so I went to Yoga tonight…met up with my old guitar teacher and we had coffee. I then went home and practiced dance for an hour…and then went out to a lindy hop dance. Somehow I channeled something amazing and all my dances were super fun. Everyone I danced with had big smiles. So I’m pretty happy about how today ended. I was reminded why I got into dance in the first place. Connecting on all levels (Mental, physical, expressive) with another human through music may be the most amazing thing I’ve ever discovered in life. I’m in a pretty good mood right now.

12

Lookin’ good man, looookin’ gooooood ::cool:: double thumbs up

13

Mindset is one of my favorite books. I tell people it changed my life. It doesn’t look changed much from the outside, but there are things I am doing with my life I never would have had the courage to try without it. I still struggle with wanting to be perfect at everything immediately, but I’m getting better. I like to think it changed my children’s lives too, because it changed how I approached the concept of learning and intelligence with them.

It’s awesome you have found something that gives you happiness and connection with others. I’m sorry you don’t have a life partner right now. Love is weird. It’s baffling to me that certain people do and perfectly lovely people don’t. Keep doing what makes you happy, avoid ruminating when depressed as much as possible and be you. Maybe someone will come along for you, but in the meantime, you are dancing and doing what makes you happy, right?

14

There are at least three books on amazon with the title Mindset. Which one are you referring to?

15

I might allow The Sad to take me just for an hour tonight. I did good today, practiced dance again with a friend, had a music rehearsal…visited with a friend I haven’t seen for years, stuck with my eating plan, bought some resources for school. It doesn’t seem to much matter when I’m alone at 10:30…thinking about when I used to have a partner. It’s like trying to fight off a vicious monster that’s always waiting for me every night.

I remember reading this a couple of weeks ago and it completely destroyed me. Just brought back all the pain like it was yesterday. https://www.stepstohappyness.com/heartbreak/

I don’t know how come I’m back there…but it really hurts. It seems like I can only fight it off so long. Maybe an hour of sad will get it out of me.

16

Here is Mindset…https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/0345472322/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d6_i2?pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_s=desktop-1&pf_rd_r=N3PW4RYWK0FP2PGTZQMM&pf_rd_t=36701&pf_rd_p=2443077022&pf_rd_i=desktop

I’m feeling pretty decimated…

17

It really makes me happy. It’s not fair that I get ribbed and bugged and judged for finding something that really makes me feel better. I fucking hate it. I hate this stupid world we live in. I’ve tried so hard to be a good person and all I get is a deep pain that I have to manage everyday. People can like me and can tolerate me but not love me. I’m not allowed to have that. I’m not allowed to be myself.

18

Still here, still listening.
Tell me more about yourself. What makes you happy, what makes you feel better, who are you really?
Here is some hard stuff, yep it isn’t fair, life sucks, etc. How do you handle it? What do you do with where you are right now? Do you look at yourself as brutally and honestly and objectively as you can? Sometimes times like this are times for self evaluation of who you are, how others perceive you, how you interact with the world outside your head and how the world receives that interaction. Sometimes that evaluation leads to positive changes in how you interact with and receive the world around you and a more realistic self image and more realistic expectations for the world around you. That in turn can lead to the happiness you seek. It did for me, maybe it could for you too.

Like I said friend, I’m still here and still listening.

19

I like music, teaching, connecting with others. I like being active and busy. I like arts and expression, I love science and technology. I like being progressive and modern. I like reading. I like visiting my family. I like animals, although dogs are my favourite. I like going out…new restaurants. I like hanging out with friends. I like going to my church. I give blood. I recycle. I donate extra money and time to my school. I like all kinds of music from classical, to pop, to indie, to rap.

I think people maybe perceive me as not a typical male. Maybe they think my dance is all just playing around. Which it is, but I work hard and deserve to have some fun time. And it’s harder than it looks. It’s no different than someone working hard at badminton or cooking. It’s good for my mental health because I crave human connection. I spent so much time practicing all alone in my 20s on practicing my instrument…because I had to work hard to catch up to everyone who was lucky enough to have music lessons since they were a kid. I wasn’t so lucky.Then I moved to a small city where everyone was conservative values…I didn’t fit in…then I moved to a small town. I lost alot of my twenties working hard and being responsible. I didn’t get to have all the fun my more well off friends were having. Everything I have I have had to work hard for…and at a later stage in life. As a musician I’m respected…I’m hired for gigs… and I teach guitar at home in addition to work. I work REAL hard to stay fit…and while I’m not a muscle-man…I am at a good body weight…can do a pull up…can run 10km, and can do most intermediate Yoga poses. I drink healthy smoothies at work so I can have 1 beer later in the week. I like my job. I don’t feel the need for change there.

20

Also when I feel bad…I exercise, do yoga, call my parents…try to do something social…or nice…or reach out here. Sometimes when I don’t have these outlets…it’s like a nightmare…seeing a monster slowly creep in.