"I Hate": a Rant about Everything.

The BBQ Pit
1

I hate that I haven’t found the love of my life at work, even though I know some who have. Such as two of my best friends, and my old roommate. My current work is full of beautiful women… beautiful married women. There is no space for a forty-three-year-old single man who wants a wife, someone to come home to, someone to support and be supported by. Most all of my friends and co-workers are raising children, and some are raising grandchildren.

I hate that I haven’t found the love of my life at university or college, even though I know some who have. I came close to finding the love of my life at university, but at the critical moment, my self-esteem crashed and I just couldn’t believe that I was worthy of love, and I never asked her out even though it was midnight and I was visiting her parents’ house, staying over. She was smart, artistic, and had the perfect female figure according to my taste. I found out later that we would even have been religiously-compatible, which is a wonder in itself. She is now my greatest regret.

I hate that I haven’t found the love of my life in the Esperanto community, even though I know some who have. I have very good friends in the Toronto Esperanto scene, but the bulk of people interested in it are at university or retired. There is little chance of someone in their forties meeting someone.

I hate that I haven’t found the love of my life among the environmental activists and solar-house designers, even though I know some who have.

I hate that I haven’t found the love of my life in the Simpson Avenue community, even though I know some who have. This is the community that taught me how to break out of my shell, how to be emotional, how to find the central still point and stand my ground while all is shifting about me, and that connection could continue even through the storm. But that community served its purpose and is no more.

I hate that I haven’t found the love of my life on the SDMB, even though I know some who have. I hate that, when I got close, it didn’t work due to distance or age incompatibility.

I hate that I’ve had to spend fifteen years battering my way out of my shell, and learning social skills, and repairing the damage that was done to me by the bullying thugs and psychopaths that passed for students at school, starting in kindergarten.

I hate that those thugs and psychopaths wrecked my self-esteem and taught me to be ashamed of my skills and my talents and my viewpoints and my dreams and my body. I hate that they made gym class a hell of ridicule and rejection. I hate that I was always picked last. I hate that they made me want to abandon gym class at the first opportunity, with the result that I am much less healthy that I could have been, and I am spending more of my hard-earned money going to the gym to rebuild my body.

I hate the school administrations that let the bullying happen. I hate the school administrations that confused “physical education” with “team sports”, subjecting me to abuse and hurt when all I wanted to do was exercise my new body and get fit. I would love to sue them until their eyeballs bleed, and maybe recover the estimated thirty thousand dollars I’ve paid in counselling fees over the past eighteen years.

I hate that, because of said repairs, I have finally acheved something that might approximate the social skills of a healthy 25-year-old… twenty years too late. I’m ready to go out clubbing, only to find that I am probably a Dirty Old Man. “All Ages” isn’t.

I hate that there is nowhere for a forty-three-year-old who likes electronica and dance music to go and enjoy it with friends.

I hate that my nearsightedness is not being cancelled out by my ageing eyes, so that I have to put reading glasses on over my contact lenses.

I hate that my computer isn’t working. I’m typing this on a borrowed machine.

I hate that we haven’t found out whether we are going to get profit-sharing bonuses at work.

I hate that my hand still hurts five weeks after I smashed it, and when I mentioned this to the nurse at work today, she said, “Well, you can’t expect to heal as fast at your age.” :frowning:

I hate getting old before my life has begun.

2

I’m lonely too currently and I totally empathize with your rant.

A word of warning though: “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to… suffering”

Would you mind telling more about the ‘thugs and psychopaths’ who ruined your life? Well, I just say that because maybe talking about it would help you feel more at peace with the past? I dont know.

3

Happiness is a zen-like thing. The harder you look for it, the less likely you’ll find it. Don’t try so hard and you’ll wake up someday and discover that you’re happy and you didn’t even know it.

4

Thanks, Autolycus.

I know the words of your warning well. And I’ve talked about the thugs and psychopaths. For five years I screamed and bellowed my fear and memories and hatred and frustration into the supportive arms of my counsellors, and eventually came to some sort of peace, to some degree, sometimes. But there is always more to do.

5

Actually, strangely, I’ve been quite happy these past few months, happier than I’ve ever been. But sometimes I just need to vent.

6

I know THAT feeling.

I don’t know that I am of any use here, but I can assure you that for whatever it’s worth, I think you come across as a pretty normal, bright guy and no matter how cranky you are right now, I know YOU know that this, too, shall pass.

Chin up, buddy. :slight_smile:

7

Yeah, see. . .and your rant reflects that. It isn’t all that hateful. You sound more frustrated and impatient. And I believe that’s a good thing because when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Good things may be right around the corner. Watch for it.

While I’m not a fortune cookie, you may be closer to finding what you want than you know.

Good luck on the journey!

8

If it’s any comfort, there are millions of people all over the place that feel the same things you’re feeling. I, too, would give anything for that steady, peaceful, loving marriage experience, but am nowhere close to having that for myself. It’s frustrating, yes- it’s especially frustrating for me to see people that have all that right in front of them and don’t appreciate it.

At any rate, you’re doing well by continuing to work at it, and don’t lose hope. Men in their 40’s that have good jobs, are relatively healthy emotionally and physically, and are smart, funny, and emotionally available are more in demand than you might think.

9

I am in the same boat. Good rant.

10

As a 24 year old, I probably shouldn’t be commenting here, but just to give a different perspective on things:
Getting older certainly doesn’t mean you’ve run out of time to “begin your life”.
One’s chronological age doesn’t necessarily indicate the age of one’s body or spirit. I’ve met 95 year olds who were still in great health, living independently, and doing fine.
For that matter, some of my classmates here in medical school are in their 40s and 50s, embarking on a whole new career path (a time-consuming path at that).
I think a lot of people end up having to start over in some aspect of their lives late in life. Heck, a lot of people who find their “true love” in high school or college end up divorced sooner or later, which means having to start all over again at 30-40+ years old.

I bet some of your friends who have grandkids already wish they had waited longer to have kids and enjoyed their carefree single days longer. Some people who got to enjoy dancing at clubs in their youth probably regret that they spent too much time partying and not enough time studying to get a college degree. The grass is always greener and all that. :slight_smile:
So, yeah, I can see venting frustrations, but don’t let regrets about the past spoil the present.

11

That’s good to hear. Vent on, baby, vent on!

12

Drop me an e-mail or telephone, if you like. You have the address/telephone number. I’m standing by for you, buddy, if you want. Just FYI.

13

15 years? I’m so screwed.

14

I’m sorry you’ve had such bad experiences and hope things go better.
It certainly helped me to talk about my sadnesses, so do try that.

A small point - don’t expect to necessarily find the love of your life ‘just like that’. Sometimes you make a friend :slight_smile: , then later things go really well :smiley: .

Friends are good. :cool:

15

In this day and age there is no excuse for not being able to find a date. None. Take a deep breath, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on craigslist, OKCupid, match.com or whatever site is popular where you live and get busy. Answer ads, post an ad and figure it out. The first couple of dates may well be uncomfortable and awkward but that will change as you get some practice.

Do it. Now. Don’t let another year go by still being depressed about this. You have nothing to lose. There are tons of women looking for a date and the dating sites is where almost all of them are.

16

Sometimes I feel the same way at 33, almost. But my problem is actually finding a place that plays actual dance music instead of non-dance rap :mad:, but that’s more of an artifact of growing old per se.

I wonder if there are any retro 80s nights: I’m sure some of them play electronica and probably have enough of an age mix that you wouldn’t feel out of place?

If not, I anxiously await the retro-mid-90s electronica clubs :slight_smile:

17

First: stop looking for the love of your life. That never works. If you are looking you will scare her off - if you are not looking, she will find you. And yes, I know that’s easier said than done!

Second:

I can totally relate to this, and also assure you that in fact there ARE such places, in Toronto even. Just stay away from clubs unless you are sure you will like the gig. Come summer there are regularly free, outdoor rave-type parties that are super fun even if you are not a pilled-up soother-wearing neon-dreadlocked rave brat. There’s tons of good electronica in this city for geezers like us, if you know where to look. E-mail me for more info.

(Aside from that, Boystown is chock full of electronic and dance music - but you are unlikely to meet the love of your life there, unless you’re prepared to switch teams!)

18

It’ll get better. It sounds like you’ve got a whole bunch of little things worked out in your life, which is a start. Getting out of a shell is possibly the hardest thing in the world to do - the rest will come.

Then again, living in Toronto must be doing all kinds of crap to your karma. Get out while you can! :stuck_out_tongue:

19

Excellent rant and venting Sunspace. I hope things get better for you.

A few suggestions. Save up for and get LASIK done to correct you eye problems. It is wonderful and they might be able to rid you of the need for Contacts and reading glasses. I just had the standard LASIK done recently and it is wonderful.

I know you are up on environmental issues. Take this to the next step get more involved in a local environmental group. I met my wife through Clearwater. We have been married nearly 15 years now. It is a possibility. Not just rallies, not just festivals, but actually become an acting member, go to the meetings and participate in the activities. If you have already done this, I apologize in advance. I can not tell for sure from your Op.

Do you go to Dopefests? You never know. You might get lucky and meet another person that needs somebody.

Take a night class at the local community college and if you meet a lady there you are interested in, ask her out quick before you talk yourself out of it.

Jim

20

Sunspace, I’ve been lurking since 2001, and you have always been one of my favorite posters. You are always trying something new, always kind, and always open minded. Were I single and within a couple hundred miles, I would love to have lunch with you. In fact, I think the coolest conversation starter ever would be “Did you know that my boyfriend speaks Esperanto?”

Here is where you find techno: the gay club. Take some friends or co-workers, and just learn to say “No thanks- I’m straight. I just come here for the music.” And laugh when you say that, cause some of the clubbers will find that hilarious. You will find a variety of ages at a gay bar.

Here is where to acquire some social ease: Get a wingman. Well, a wingwoman. Find a friend or co-worker with whom you have little or no sexual tension and start taking her out. Take your buddy shopping, out to eat, movies- just drive around. Just let your friend know that you don’t plan to get between her and her pants, and that you want to be more at ease in conversation with the opposite sex. She will be grateful for a male friend to socialize with who has no agenda, and you can gradually learn to be more at ease with the opposite sex. You might find that it is easier to chat with strangers when you aren’t alone, and others will be more receptive to conversation with the two of you. The bonus is that other women will see your friend enjoying your company and they will want some of that, too.

And others may not share my opinion, but work on that grin. You already have such shockingly blue eyes you are bound to attract some attention, but an easy, genuine grin stops me in my tracks every time. You will seem more trustworthy and approachable if you have a friendly face.

And if you find yourself in the Eastern US anytime soon, let me know. I will be your wingwoman anytime.