"I Hate": a Rant about Everything.

[matt_mcl]

@Beaucarnea

Here is where to acquire some social ease: Get a wingman. Well, a wingwoman. Find a friend or co-worker with whom you have little or no sexual tension and start taking her out. Take your buddy shopping, out to eat, movies- just drive around. Just let your friend know that you don’t plan to get between her and her pants, and that you want to be more at ease in conversation with the opposite sex. She will be grateful for a male friend to socialize with who has no agenda, and you can gradually learn to be more at ease with the opposite sex. You might find that it is easier to chat with strangers when you aren’t alone, and others will be more receptive to conversation with the two of you. The bonus is that other women will see your friend enjoying your company and they will want some of that, too.

That is a great idea. I hate, HATE going out to clubs by myself and INSIST on dragging other people along, because it’s the only way I can relax and have a good time, which is the only time I ever get remotely cruised.

(Tip, though – when you’re ready for the advanced stage, see if you can arrange to bring more than one wing-person if you’re on the prowl. That way it doesn’t make it look like you’re in a couple.)

[Bear_Nenno]

Buddy, have you heard of Myspace.com?

[Necros]

@Sunspace

I hate that there is nowhere for a forty-three-year-old who likes electronica and dance music to go and enjoy it with friends.

Hey, have you tried learning how to spin? Pick up some turntables and go to work. Then you can go out and get gigs. Chicks dig DJs.

[joyfool]

@John Mace

Happiness is a zen-like thing. The harder you look for it, the less likely you’ll find it. Don’t try so hard and you’ll wake up someday and discover that you’re happy and you didn’t even know it.

Not picking on you John, but when you’re in that place, it’s impossible to understand how not to try so hard. It just doesn’t make sense. Or at least that was my experience until I was already happy and realized how good that is as advice. YMMV.

[Eonwe]

I happen to think you’re a pretty cool guy, Sunspace, taste in music aside.

[Spice_Weasel]

Wait… you’re the guy with the cute ears and the spiffy new haircut? And you’re having trouble finding women???
:dubious:

Seriously though, your pain is evident in the OP. I suspect the way you were treated in school might have an awful lot to do with your current feelings of loneliness and your fears about finding someone. It’s amazing how much confidence (or lack thereof) will affect someone’s perception of reality, especially how others view them, etc.

I would have to chime in and agree that happiness is one of those things you find once you stop looking for it. There is no down without an up, and no up without a down, that’s just the nature of reality–wherever you are now, it won’t be that way forever. Understanding the way things change is helpful in two ways.

1. In cases of grief, it’s a great reminder that the hurt won’t go on forever.
2. In cases of joy, it’s a great reminder to appreciate what you have this moment while you have it, because it will, eventually pass.

I also wanted to put out there, for the record, that though I love my husband and celebrate the gift that he is, I’m incredibly, soul-crushingly lonely myself. Having that other person in your life doesn’t magically make troubles disappear by any means.

This is a good place to put these troubles. We’ll be here to help as much as we can. And FWIW you are a fine member of this community and I appreciate having you here.

Olives,
Christy

[descamisado]

Sunspace, I just linked to your OP here in another Pit thread, and added an “I can go you one better” to it.

I just wanted to say that it wasn’t to diminish what you have gone and are going through, and wanted to wish you well in working these things out.

If nothing else, you can read my tale of woe, and know you have my permission to say, “Phew, I might have it bad, but at least I’m not that guy!”

[Contrapuntal]

@John Mace

Happiness is a zen-like thing. The harder you look for it, the less likely you’ll find it. Don’t try so hard and you’ll wake up someday and discover that you’re happy and you didn’t even know it.

Yeah, but you won’t get to clap your hands.

[Spice_Weasel]

Yeah, but you won’t get to clap your hands.

Not worth it then.

[Sunspace]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

@Heffalump and Roo

…because when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Good things may be right around the corner. Watch for it.

While I’m not a fortune cookie, you may be closer to finding what you want than you know.

My counsellor keeps saying things like that.

@Alice The Goon

Men in their 40’s that have good jobs, are relatively healthy emotionally and physically, and are smart, funny, and emotionally available are more in demand than you might think.

One can hope. I am planning to go back to Lavalife again after a break of a year or so. There are a lot of women in their thirties and forties there.

@Spoons

Drop me an e-mail or telephone, if you like. You have the address/telephone number. I’m standing by for you, buddy, if you want. Just FYI.

Thanks. I may phone later.

@ParentalAdvisory

15 years? I’m so screwed.

Probably not. I went off the rails due to certain family events (way too many deaths in way too short a period of time) and that was the catalyst to dealing with deeper problems. If the deaths hadn’t happened, I’m not sure whether the rest of the process would have.

@Ludovic

Sometimes I feel the same way at 33, almost. But my problem is actually finding a place that plays actual dance music instead of non-dance rap , but that’s more of an artifact of growing old per se.

I wonder if there are any retro 80s nights: I’m sure some of them play electronica and probably have enough of an age mix that you wouldn’t feel out of place?

If not, I anxiously await the retro-mid-90s electronica clubs

I was in some store a couple of months ago that was playing eighties music over the ceiling speakers, and it suddenly occurred to me that they might think of it as “old people’s music”, like the Thousand And One Strings.

However, some friends of mine have put on excellent private dance parties with a wide variety of music and ages (from twenty-five to sixty-five). I must find out whether they will do so again, and whether they need help. I very much want to go to such a party again.

@Cowgirl

I can totally relate to this, and also assure you that in fact there ARE such places, in Toronto even… Come summer there are regularly free, outdoor rave-type parties that are super fun even if you are not a pilled-up soother-wearing neon-dreadlocked rave brat. There’s tons of good electronica in this city for geezers like us, if you know where to look.

I’ll email you tonight.

@What Exit

I know you are up on environmental issues. Take this to the next step get more involved in a local environmental group. I met my wife through Clearwater. We have been married nearly 15 years now. It is a possibility. Not just rallies, not just festivals, but actually become an acting member, go to the meetings and participate in the activities. If you have already done this, I apologize in advance. I can not tell for sure from your Op.

Do you go to Dopefests? You never know. You might get lucky and meet another person that needs somebody.

Take a night class at the local community college and if you meet a lady there you are interested in, ask her out quick before you talk yourself out of it.

Already signed up for my next course at Loyalist College (you know, the one named for the people who lost the American Revolution: the United Empire Loyalists). Matt_mcl, who I met through Esperanto, introduced me to Dopefests, for which I eternally thank him. Time for another TronnaDope, methinks. And when spring comes, I’ll be seeing my activist friends a lot more, as well as making that triangle trip to Ottawa and Montreal. Just gotta get through winter first.

Though there’s something to be said for taking art courses again, instead of deadly-serious career-building house-design stuff.

Thanks, Beaucarnea. I’d love to meet for coffee sometime, as soon as You Know Who is out of power.

Wingwoman? Work on my grin? Interesting. Hmm. I don’t know whether you saw the hairstyle disaster thread I posted on Saturday, but in the first picture I was trying to grin, and you can’t tell. I’ll have to work on that.

Saluton, matt_mcl! I am coming to Montreal, I promise. Last week of March. I guess I’d better start firming up those travel plans. Maybe we can hit some music spots as well as the Metro.

Learn to DJ, Necros? Interesting idea.

Thanks, faithfool and Eonwe.

Olivemarch4th, your words are appreciated. I think I’m coming back from that low point of feeling now. It’s true… despite all that we do, the interior realm of feeling can be so stubborn to change. And then one day, it changes, almost without notice. I now have the impression that we work for months or years without visible effect, and then one day the shift takes place almost randomly. Kinda like the way the Soviet Union imploded, if you weren’t able to see what was going on inside.

(“Cute ears”? That’s… something I have never heard anyone say before, to anyone. )

[Sunspace]

@5-4-Fighting

Sunspace, I just linked to your OP here in another Pit thread, and added an “I can go you one better” to it.

I just wanted to say that it wasn’t to diminish what you have gone and are going through, and wanted to wish you well in working these things out.

If nothing else, you can read my tale of woe, and know you have my permission to say, “Phew, I might have it bad, but at least I’m not that guy!”

I’m so sorry that happened to you, 5-4-Fighting. I guess it’s not easy anywhere…

[Sunspace]

@olivesmarch4th

Not worth it then.

I know someone who can clap one hand. He’s very annoying that way.

[Cerowyn]

I think we need to drag you out some, Sunspace. There are lots of great places to meet people! And, I know a few cute, single women who are too smart to go out with me (which is a great point in their favour even before you meet them). Drop me an email; I’m out of town until the end of the month, but I’d be really happy if you’d join in with our crowd when I’m back.

[Declan]

@Sunspace

I hate that, because of said repairs, I have finally acheved something that might approximate the social skills of a healthy 25-year-old… twenty years too late. I’m ready to go out clubbing, only to find that I am probably a Dirty Old Man. “All Ages” isn’t.

Where to start

Chances are that if you go to a club and start aggressively hitting on young chicks , you will be a dirty old man, nothing wrong with that if you can carry it off but it does not sound like it should be your primary approach.

Go clubbing for the music and the atmosphere even if all you talk to is the staff and probably the owner(s). If your at a particular club for long enough people are gonna get curious enough to find out who you are and stuff. Leave the courting for another time.

One place that I have heard about is at kipling and lakeshore. I used to go there back in the early nineties ,but some people that I have talked with tell me that it regularly attracts people in their thirties and forties and plays mostly eighties and nineties dance music.

Blue suede shoes may be another one , if its still open.

like everything, sample the cuisine and dont hestitate to leave and try somewhere else if the crowd is not to your liking.
Declan

[Sunspace]

@Cerowyn

I think we need to drag you out some, Sunspace. There are lots of great places to meet people! And, I know a few cute, single women who are too smart to go out with me (which is a great point in their favour even before you meet them). Drop me an email; I’m out of town until the end of the month, but I’d be really happy if you’d join in with our crowd when I’m back.

Sounds great! Email sent.

Declan, that sounds intriguing.

Antigen, LifeOnWry, sorry I didn’t respond earlier…

I certainly wouldn’t mind living elsewhere for a time, but I have a suspicion I need to do some other stuff first, like get my solar-house design business up and running. I was thinking about this last week: why didn’t I move to BC way back when, like my best friend from art school, if I like it so much there? That’s a very good question.

[TokyoBayer]

Hey Sunspace, just a note to tell you that I can feel your pain. I’ve been there, grew up in a really shitty home and have been really depressed at times in my life. Hang in there. It sounds like you’re doing the right things, so it will get better.

[Sunspace]

@TokyoPlayer

Hey Sunspace, just a note to tell you that I can feel your pain. I’ve been there, grew up in a really shitty home and have been really depressed at times in my life. Hang in there. It sounds like you’re doing the right things, so it will get better.

Thanks, TokyoPlayer. I’ve been dropping on your threads from time to time, and hoping things go as well as they can for you too.

[Declan]

@Sunspace

Sounds great! Email sent.

Declan, that sounds intriguing.

Antigen, LifeOnWry, sorry I didn’t respond earlier…

I certainly wouldn’t mind living elsewhere for a time, but I have a suspicion I need to do some other stuff first, like get my solar-house design business up and running. I was thinking about this last week: why didn’t I move to BC way back when, like my best friend from art school, if I like it so much there? That’s a very good question.

Re read that thread on the worst town in Canada, some of those places sound like they could use an infusion into the gene pool, you could be the one that brings regina into the list of Canadian citys that the glitterati want to be seen in.

Seriously your solar house project can wait a bit , take a sabbatical and smell the roses, and the violets and any other girl that has a flowery name. Two or three months of the summer and your back to the grind.

Declan

[Yag_Rannavach]

If your at a particular club for long enough people are gonna get curious enough to find out who you are and stuff

How long is long enough? I seem to have the ability to go to a place, be it a mall, club, bar, class, party, literally anything, and have absolutely no one talk to me. Ever.

Happiness is a zen-like thing. The harder you look for it, the less likely you’ll find it. Don’t try so hard and you’ll wake up someday and discover that you’re happy and you didn’t even know it.

I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you. I don’t know what happiness is, but I do know that I’m not ‘happy’, and 'near as I can tell, never have been. I also know that if I continue as I have been I will never be happy, since my current goal is to die alone under a rock somewhere, having enough money to sustain myself so I never have to leave. Not that achieving it will make me happy (the staying under the rock part, not the dieing), but at least then I won’t need to bother with the rest of the world. With a goal like that, how can happiness possibly arise out of nowhere?

Oh, and Sunspace, because this is the pit…
Fuck you; I hate you.

[Heffalump_and_Roo]

@Yag Rannavach

I don’t know what happiness is, but I do know that I’m not ‘happy’, and 'near as I can tell, never have been.

Whenever I hear something like this, I always wonder how you can know this. Since all of our experiences are unique to us, one cannot look out and see what others experience when they say they are happy. So without experiencing happiness in the past, how can you know that you’re unhappy now? Perhaps your experience is what happiness is and you’re just unaware of that?

In the book “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert, the author notes that some people proclaim their greatest happiness after experiencing great tragedy. For example, one anecdote claims that Christopher Reeve proclaimed that he was very happy after he suffered his neck injury. And in several books I’ve read including “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman, external circumstances (unless the person is starving) rarely are an indicator of happiness. So it’s difficult to judge happiness objectively in that way.

Anyway, just curious as to your thoughts.

And. . .

Welcome to the Dope.