What would you do? Grandpa cuts your kid's hair.

In My Humble Opinion
1

My daughter is 12-years-old and in sixth grade. She is also special needs and requires quite a bit of extra care and services. My parents have done a lot to help me with her over the years, whether it be financially by paying for therapies and such or keeping her for me sometimes so that I can get a break. I appreciate the help they give me, but I am still her mother. I still make the major decisions regarding her care. I spend the most time with her. I’m the one everyone comes to when she has a problem.

However, my dad thinks he has a right to cut my daughter’s hair if it “needs” it. In his opinion, long bangs are tantamount to child abuse and he has taken it upon himself to cut them if they are long enough to get in her eyes. I have given up the idea of ever growing them out, so rather than have him chop at them, I get the bangs cut by a professional.

Today in an email, my mom said she thinks my daughter’s hair is too long in general. I disagree. I like it long. I also like to dress her in stylish, age appropriate clothes. To me, this is the closest thing to normal that we really get. Her exact words in the email, “Dad will probably cut her hair, if the mood strikes him. Why do you want it long? She doesn’t care what her hair looks like anyway.”

My response was, "Her getting to have long hair and cute clothes is one of the only “normal” things that she can do. If it doesn’t bother me and my husband, and it doesn’t bother her dad, then I don’t see why it should matter to anyone else. It’s not like she’s at your house every day and you have to take care of it. I make sure she looks cute every day that she walks out of this house.

Why does dad feel like he has a right to make decisions that are mine to make? I concede by making sure her bangs are cut short, but now he wants to cut the rest? That really makes me hesitate to want to leave her over there. Every time he’s cut her hair I’ve had to take her to a salon and pay $20 for someone to fix it. Then we have to wait for it to grow out so it doesn’t look ridiculous. He’s not a beautician. He doesn’t know how to cut hair properly. "

Unfortunately, my dad doesn’t see things like a rational person. He really feels like he has a right to do whatever he wants. It’s the price I pay for getting their help, but it really is a lot like extortion. He helps, but only so he can lord it over me anytime something like this comes up. And he drastically exaggerates the help they do give me. In times like this I feel like it isn’t even worth it if I, a 33-year-old woman, cannot even make decisions about my child’s haircut on my own.

This shit makes me so fucking mad, but what can I do? Take the help and let him control me or become a martyr to the cause and do it all myself? Why should it be a decision I have to make? Am I crazy?

2

I’d be really pissed off. If your dad won’t respect your wishes about your own daughter, I guess your only alternative is to not have them help you. That truly doth suck, and is not a solution I would wish for you. I suppose I would keep trying to get him to listen, up to and including a huge blow-out fight. Good luck. :frowning:

{{{Indygrrl}}}

3

You are not crazy.

There is a part of me which says “It’s only hair, it will grow back.” That part of me thinks that deciding not to accept any assistance from your parents in order to permit your daughter long hair (which she doesn’t care about) is a form of overreaction.

On the other hand, assuming that you have explained to your parents that when Grandpa cuts your daughter’s hair, it takes a month to grow out and a $20 salon appointment to look decent, for him to cut your daughter’s hair shows a serious lack of concern for your opinions.

And family dynamics are just so individual to the family.

But you aren’t crazy for thinking that you ought to be able to leave your daughter with your parents without worrying that she’ll end up scalped.

And if you feel like “extortion” is an appropriate term for some of your interactions with your father, I’m tempted to tell you that you should seek family counseling. Get a “neutral” third party involved, to talk to you and your parents about appropriate boundaries, etc.

But, I don’t know if that’s an appropriate solution–your father may not be interested in making changes in his behavior. In which case, conseling probably won’t help. Although, finding a counselor for yourself or a support group for parents with children with the type of problems that your child has is probably not a bad idea.

There is a part of me that wonders what kind of hairstyle Grandpa thinks is appropriate for the kid, and wonders whether you can come up with a middle ground. There is another part of me which says that it doesn’t matter what Grandpa thinks, his rights (with respect to your kid’s hair) are limited to saying “Ya know, I think her hair is getting kinda long, I’ll pay for the salon appointment if you need it”.

But whatever else is true, know that these two things are true–Eureka is horrible at writing short posts, and you are not crazy–or if you are crazy, it’s not due to your belief that you ought to have control over getting your daughter’s hair cut.

4

Tell him to knock off the bullshit. He has no standing, whatsoever.

5

You said your daughter is special needs. Is she able to voice her option on the subject at all? Even if it’s not said well, he might listen to her wants.

Regardless the situation sucks and you have my sympathy.

6

My parents, espoecially my Dad, will sometimes do things like this, though not in the sort of ultra-irritating fashion as described in the OP; it’s Manipulation By Generosity, a common passive-agreesive parental move. They SAY they’re doing something just to be nice help out, but then you find later that there’s an unspoken owesies to everything. It’s a way of trying to exert control over you and make you look like an asshole if you object, because it seems like you’re objecting to someone’s generosity.

It was irritating to start with, but when it started involving our kid, it had to be stopped immediately. At Christmas we were trying to make plans, which of course involved seeing my family and Mrs. RickJay’s family 'cause, you know, that’s the way it is. When it inconvenienced my family, some of them went purely, absolutely apeshit. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she started into this: “Well, I would think after everything we do for (kid’s name)…” Because, you know, it’s so unusual for grandparents to buy their grandchild a birthday present and treats and stuff like that. (They don’t take care of her as per the OP’s case.)

Well, boy, I’m a nice guy and lose my temper maybe one in a blue moon, but I just absolutely blew a gasket on that one and went off for ten minutes on what is and isn’t appropriate conversation when it comes to my daughter. You want us to NOT see my wife’s family because… you’re doting grandparents? Her family loves her too, you know, they’re not lizards. Are you fucking stupid?

I’ve found that the only solution was to stop accepting anything from my parents; I won’t even let them buy us dinner unless we buy them dinner on the following occasion. We’ll take birthday and Christmas presents from them, but imposing on them or taking anything from them is just not worth it.

7

Gently “Dad, I appreciate how much you care about her, I really do. But, as her mother, this is something I decide. You have stepped over the line on this one and, yes, it’s that important to me. OK?”

8

In all honesty, I think she likes it long and just can’t express it. She lives for everything girly, loves to have her hair styled and to wear special dresses and clothes. She also loves to wear wigs and things like that for fun. Tell me that girl doesn’t want long hair!

9

This part jumped out at me – I presume that your parents are married and living together? In that case I would say that your mom is just as much to blame here as your dad. It’s her house too, she should do something besides just sit back and watch her husband do something she’s knows he’s doesn’t have your permissions to do. And then tell you to just deal. If you often communicate thru your mom, perhaps make sure all information is actually getting back to your dad, I’m wondering if what he’s actually hearing is “well Indygrrl said something about her hair again but I wouldn’t worry about it.” My own mom is a master sorta stuff, she’s never to blame for anything.

10

Just to be clear, my daughter lives with me, I house her, feed her, clothe her, and make sure all of her basic needs are met. My parents will take her for a night here and there, but they don’t “take care of her” by any stretch. They do give some money for her speech therapy, but other than that they don’t contribute financially. I take care of all the rest.

Icarus, that would be great advice if we were talking about a rational person, but we aren’t. My dad would just interrupt me and then scream at me for even saying something like that to him. He’s a dictator, and always has been. It’s just been awhile since I’ve had a beef with him on anything. And I hate it. I don’t want to get into it with him, especially since we’ve been getting along great for such a long time.

Sugar and Spice, my dad knows that I don’t want him touching her hair. It’s come up before. But yeah, my mom is very passive when it comes to him doing stuff like that. She won’t ever intervene and tell him no.

11

How much does your daughter enjoy the nights over at her grandparents’? The only way I can think to stop this is to tell him that until he can grow up and accede to your wishes as her mother that you can’t trust her to be alone with him for extended periods of time.

12

I think it’s clear what you need to do here. Sneak in their house late one night and cut your dad’s hair while he’s sleeping. :smiley:

13

So they’re occasional baby sitters?

Look, you’re her mother. It’s very simple. If you tell your father calmly that you would prefer he no longer cut her hair, and if he blows up at you, then you treat him like you would any other irrational adult. You remove you and your daughter from the situation.

If he asks why it’s been so long since he’s seen his granddaughter, explain to him that since he seemed so upset about the length of your daughter’s hair, you didn’t want to upset him further by exposing him to it.

Then shut up.

Be calm, quiet, and rational at all times. If he cannot act like an adult, then it falls on you to act like one.

14

Have you explicitly stated “do not cut her hair; I do not want you to cut her hair”? (I couldn’t quite see it in the OP)

15

Wellllll…there is the nuclear option.

Older male relative - not respecting female child’s body boundries (hair is part of her body)…

Maybe you can find a neutral third party who can explain the magnitude of his actions to him in those terms?

16

If it were me I would say, “Look. I appreciate the help you have given us, but this is MY kid. I make the decisions for her, not you. Just because you have helped us out financially doesn’t mean you have the right to make decisions about what care she may or may not need. If you don’t like the length of my daughter’s hair you may voice your opinion, but the decision to have her hair cut is mine, not yours. If you don’t like that, then she won’t be coming by to visit any more. Is that what you want?”

17

I think since you expressed that you don’t want it cut it should not…

except that her hair should not grow over her eyes IMHO, it does indicate something is wrong somewhere.

18

Before I start speculating, I just want to emphasize that I am not privy to all details and of course I have no say in how this girl is cared for, that said…

  1. The dominance thing - the OP’s father apparently is used to getting his way in all things and opposing him in even minor matters might cause him to dig in harder.

  2. The false practicality thing - the OP’s daughter, it sounds like, can’t take care of many of her own basic needs. I’ve seen situations where people then insist that, for example, hair be cut short for the convenience of the caretaker(s) whether or not said nosy busy-bodies are involved in any way or not. Nevermind that caring for long hair might be treasured human contact and/or and expression of love/caring for the disabled person. Nevermind whether or not the disabled person has an opinion - according this mind set the disabled person should subordinate all their preferences to the convenience of others and just be damn happy they’re not left on the street corner or something.

  3. The disabled people should look different thing - folks with this mindset can actually become offended if someone disabled looks too cute or too beautiful or (god forbid, and not applicable in this case) at all sexy. Such people would “recommend” a bowl cut or crew cut or just hack away at the hair of a disabled person, perhaps rationalizing with one of the above reasons but really doing it out of animosity.

  4. The parents of disabled are screw-ups thing - the idea being that the parents, particularly the mother, of a disabled child did something wrong and is therefore incompetent to make decisions/take care of/whatever said disabled person. Therefore EVERY decision made by the parent is under suspicion or wrong.

I’m not saying any of the above applies, but it could be one or more of these is a factor. Just food for thought.

19

Would it matter to him at all if you expressed your emotional reasons for why you want it long? I see you trying to make a logical arguement (you don’t have any right to do this, it’s my choice, you don’t have to deal with it, It’s not a burden on you), but if, in his mind, short hair is more “logical”, he can ignore your reasons because, to him, you aren’t thinking clearly. But if you say “I know it’s not logical, I know it’s more of a PITA to me, but I need her to look cute, I need people to smile at her when they see her, and if I came over here and her hair was all short and she looked like a boy, I’d cry my eyes out. I’d just hurt every time I looked at her”, he can’t counter with any sort of logical comeback.

He’s never going to trust your logic, he’s always going to dismiss it in the way you dismiss a child’s logical arguement about why they shouldn’t have a bed time. So whatever you do, don’t play the game by his terms.

20

I think it’s a rock and a hard place for you. He’s going to do what he wants, and the only way to prevent him from so doing is to keep her away from him, at least when you are not around.