You had pretty much the same relationship with your dad as I had with mine. We were terrified of him as kids. He won’t respond rationally – he will only respond to threats – ones he understands that you can actually carry out.
The only way to stop this behavior is to lay out out to him – if he won’t respect your wishes about your child, he will not be seeing her again except perhaps at holdidays and family get-togethers. She will not be staying over at their house anymore, period.
Your dad sounds a lot like my first husband. He was also a tyrant, and like your mom, I was the filter for communication that should have gone directly to him. But because of his short temper, the kids talked to me, and I talked to him. It was stupid, but it was years before I figured it out.
If you want to change, it’ll take work, but first you have to pick your battles. Maybe your daughter’s hair is the place to start but probably not. Most men have no clue how important hair is to a little girl. He’ll never get why you’re “making a big deal” about it. He might seriously think that long hair is a PITA to take care of rather than something to be proud of.
Or – and maybe this is really out there – could grandpa be worried that she’ll look too pretty? Is he being protective? Doesn’t want her to grow up, look too girly?
I’ve never been one for confrontation, so I like PunditLisa’s suggestion. Pull her hair back in a ponytail. Or put it in French braids, or some style with ribbons or barrettes or pretty clips, something that puts a big smile on your daughter’s face and something that would be a shame to take apart.
How short has he cut her hair in the past? Is she able to verbally express her feelings on this?
He gets this “shit” (and that’s wnat it is) because you didn’t answer your phone for 2 days. I guess he figured that nobody could be that rude to someone who raised her and is now donating so much time on her behalf. If your father treats you like a child it may have something to do with your behavior.
He has a hobby, it’s not one he chose but life handed you a problem and he is generous enough to help. Maybe your father had plans for his retirement in addition to caring for your child.
While my original advice stands (honest communication) you need to bump it up a notch on a personal level. I don’t know where the child’s father is in all this but I see the grandfather (and presumably grandmother) stepping up to the plate. Someone who did not have this support system would see it as a blessing and not a curse.
Unless your dad is making your house payments, then you don’t owe him anything but gratitude for helping you get a better interest rate. And if you can pay for the speech therapy yourself? Then you need to crack down on him, or else he’ll continue controlling you, him, and everyone else whose life he touches.
Holy shit!!
Indygirl shouldn’t be obligated to budge on this issue. She has very good reasons for not wanting to cut her daughter’s hair. Besides, is the grandfather responsible for combing and brushing the kid’s hair when she comes over? If not, he has no business dictating anything in this matter. Him helping out with speech therapy and occassionally babysitting (which any loving grandparents would do) does not give him 100% control over all aspects of this child’s life.
IIRC, Indygirl’s daughter is autistic. Most autistic people get very upset with change. I imagine a change to her hairstyle wouldn’t be taken lightly. And the aftermath will be on Indygirl, not the meddling grandfather.
Indygrrl My mother is very similar to your dad.
Putting your foot down is only going to sever your connection to family members who aren’t worth keeping anyhow. The rational ones, the ones who know your dad, will think twice about the bullshit he tells them about you.
Don’t let your decision about the wellbeing of your daughter hang on the behavior of useless people.
ETA: Ditto what FloatyGimpy said
Have the words Borderline Personality Disorder ever been used in relation to your dad?
I’m sorry, I might have implied something that was not true.
My parents don’t even do occasional babysitting; that was the only distinction I was trying to draw.
As I’ve said on the boards before, my father is a psychopath. Normal people say “holy shit.” Especially since the diaries were largely about my nascent teenage sexual thoughts. That he got off on reading and discussing them is perverse. But my dad thinks what he did was totally reasonable. This is why I stopped ever taking anything that left me beholden to him. It’s not worth it.
Indygrrl probably has a slightly different situation. However, it sounds as though her father will never see her side of things. So I think disengaging is probably the only way to stop him. Maybe it’s worth it to put up with the haircutting, etc. to get the financial help. But it’s important to understand the trade-off and recognize that by accepting his money, you play a part in perpetuating the problem.
You know what? I’ve been really busy the last few days doing some things that took priority over calling my dad back, expecially not knowing what he wanted. I have a life of my own and I don’t always feel like talking to my dad. I already explained how he is, and I have enough stress in my life without having him calling me incessantly to criticize me for every single thing I do. His calls make me sick to my stomach and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack half the time when I see his name on the caller ID. That’s the sad truth.
Sure, there’s a chance he’s calling just to say hi, but if you call someone and they don’t answer, what do you do? I leave a message and wait to hear back. He calls several times a day until I do answer or call him back. It just so happens that I have had a busy few days and haven’t had time to return the call. But, again, like I said before, I called him back today. I don’t see where I was rude in any of that.
And where do you get that he is “donating so much time on her behalf?” She spends the night over there a few times a month, and on those occasions my mom is the one who does most of the work wrt my daughter. In our family, that is what constitutes a normal grandparents/grandchild relationship. It’s not as if she is over there every day.
Have you even read the thread? Yes, life handed ME and my CHILD a problem and I have been busting my ass to handle the situation for the last 12 years, most of which I was a single parent. I’ve put the roof over our heads, the food in our bellies, and the clothes on our backs–no one else. She has everything a kid could ever want, and 90% of it was purchased by ME.
No one is asking my dad to care for my child in lieu of retirement (P.S. he’s not even retired yet, he’s only 55 and has his own business). He and my mom travel several times a year and do whatever they want. The help they give me with my child in no way interferes with any plans they have. You make it sound like she lives with them and they take care of her every need, which, as I’ve explained, is not the case.
You are making a hell of a lot of assumptions here. My child has two parents who care for her, and two step-parents who love her as their own. I’ve shown nothing but gratitude for the help my parents have given me over the years, but I have never asked them for anything more than babysitting like any other grandparent would do.
It’s an overwhelming thing taking care of a special needs child like my daughter. We have had a long and painful journey, a lot of which I was left to deal with all on my own. When she first got diagnosed my parents were living in their house in Florida and my child’s father was MIA. It was a nightmare.
My family might not be perfect, but if there’s one thing I’ve been taught its that family takes care of family, no matter what. My dad was happy to pay for the speech therapy because it makes him feel like he’s helping in a sometimes hopeless situation. I’ve never said it was a “curse” or anything like that. I just want the decisions I make for my child to be respected by everyone in her life.
I'm sorry that out of all the positive posts made in respone to this thread that I felt the need to respond directly to this one. I hate feeling like I'm being attacked, especially when I'm just looking for advice on how to handle something.
To everyone else, I really appreciate your comments and insight. I don't know what I'll do about my dad, maybe nothing. He would really have to do something outlandish for me to break ties with him. No matter how screwed up he is, and how crazy, I love him and would rather put up with some bs in order to have a semi-functional relationship with him.Are you sure that you love him and want a relationship with him? Upthread, you said that you feel sick to your stomach when he calls, and half the time you have a panic attack when you see his name on the caller ID. That sounds like fear, not love. I understand that he can seem like a great guy, but he also turns on you and attacks you; for me, that would probably outweigh any positive feelings I have for him. Then again, I really don’t know much about your relationship with your dad, so I could be way out of line. The situation just feels like he’s emotionally abusing everyone in his life, and it would make sense to me if you wanted to get him out of your life.
Well, we started out with your dad cutting your daughter’s hair against your wishes, and now I think we’ve gotten to the crux of the matter. You do not have a loving relationship with your dad. Meaning, you love him, but I don’t think you’re sure he loves you. You’re afraid of him. You are the mouse hiding in the grass, hoping the eagle doesn’t see you as it soars by.
Sweetie, there’s more going on here than your daughter’s hair. You’ve done an admirable job raising her and providing a wonderful home for her. Take pride in that.
Look at it this way…if your dad was not blood related, would you have a relationship with him? Say instead of your mom and dad, it’s some neighbors down the street. Would you put up with this behavior?
I’m not saying your dad can’t change. I’m not saying you can make him change. All you can do is change how you react to him.
In my opinion, this issue is ONLY about your dysfunctional relationship with your dad. If you don’t want to hear that or discuss it, I suggest you ask for this thread to be closed.